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in a straight relationship, but wanting gay experiences...what to do?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by 1900ante, Feb 10, 2012.

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  1. 1900ante

    1900ante
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    Hi all,

    I have been lurking on this forum for a few months, and really learning a lot from the posts that I have read. Now I figured that it might be time for me to actually get on board and seek some advice myself....

    Some background, for starters: I believe myself to be basically gay. I am 28 years old and have not had any gay sexual experiences yet, but for as long as I can remember my "active" attractions have always been directed towards other guys. I have recognized these feelings right along, yet it has only been since age 20 or so that I have been willing to apply the "gay" or at least "bi" label to myself; prior to that time, even though I knew what my feelings were, I for some reason could not associate them with those terms--and everything that the terms meant to me before I was fully accepting of my orientation. I believe that I would have pursued a gay relationship before now had an opportunity presented itself to me, but due to the places in which I have lived as well as simple life circumstances, I have not really found myself around many other gay people. The straight relationships that I have had were never begun at my initiative, so part of the issue may be that I simply do not know how to start relationships, whether potential partners cross my path or not.

    For the past six years, I have been in a straight relationship with someone who is also my very best friend. She and I are very open with each other; she has always known of my attractions to guys, and is completely OK with the way that I am. This is the only sexual relationship of any kind that I have had; my relationships with a couple of previous girlfriends were more platonic than anything else. The sex feels fine, but I am not passionate about it. I feel attracted to my partner, but I think that it is much more an emotional attraction than a physical one. She initiated the relationship, and I feel at this point that if she had not come along, I would almost definitely not be interested in pursuing a straight relationship--whether actively, at my initiative, or passively, at the other person's initiative.

    For the first few years, I was excited enough to be in a loving and physical relationship to put my same-sex attractions on the back burner; I was not trying to make them go away per se, and I certainly realize that I cannot "change" myself, but I was not paying them as much active attention as I could have done. As time has gone on, however, those urges have grown much stronger, to the point that I am quite depressed much of the time and have regular bouts of sobbing over what I am doing--or not doing--about these feelings. My partner comforts me during these sad times, but she is in a tricky place: she realizes that her role in my life (not WHO she is as my best friend, but what she represents) is a large part of what I am battling with, yet she loves me and our relationship, as I love her and many aspects of the life that we have built together. I do not want to leave her for something that is still so unknown, but I do not think that we can go on in this way indefinitely. We have both begun counseling in an effort to figure out how to proceed from here.

    There are many questions that I pose at this juncture, and I may well come back to the forum with more! For now, though, I will stick with one issue above all others...the fact that I lack gay physical experience, and crave it. I have kissed a couple of guys, one on a "date" several years ago that went nowhere, and another who has been a love obsession of mine for a very long time, yet seems rather unattainable (this may be an issue to raise separately on the forum...he has been a real thorn in my side in many ways, but yet the kiss was SO satisfying...hahaha!). My partner has graciously encouraged me to go out in search of the sexual experiences that I desire (and our counselor agrees) as long as I am safe about it. I feel quite fortunate in a way to have her support and encouragement, yet I still feel that I need to be discrete in pursuing anything, so as to not hurt her feelings any more than I already have. I do not want to end this relationship in order to start a new one that would include gay sex; rather, I feel a real need to test the physical waters as I am trying to decide what to do with my present relationship.

    This is hard for me, as I have always associated sex with loving, stable relationships; after all, while I could have had some opportunities to have sex before I entered this relationship, I waited until the conditions felt right and meaningful, and am glad that I did. While part of me wishes for similar circumstances surrounding my first gay sexual experience, I also realize that I am nearing 30, and cannot wait forever for the "perfect" opportunity to come along. I have recently been opening up to some friends about these issues, and they have encouraged me to place less importance on making every sexual encounter a sacred one; in some ways, I am shocked by their cavalier attitudes about something that is to me so special, as well as by their stories of this hook-up and that hook-up, but at the same time I am intrigued to know that sex CAN be treated with less reverence--and has been treated in this way by friends whom I admire--and at this point in my life I am starting to think, "screw it, let's just get laid, because in another ten years it'll be that much harder to negotiate."

    So, how can I get some experience that will give me at least temporary physical satisfaction (if not lasting physical and emotional satisfaction, as in a relationship; hopefully that can come later after I have tested the waters and figured out what I want for myself), that will also not be dangerous? There are NO gay bars or clubs, bookstores, community centers, or other similar environments near me in which I might be able to meet like-minded people; I live in a city, but it is a smallish and somewhat conservative one. Besides, I have no local gay friends--or even straight friends who would be game--to go to a club with; I am really on my own in this little adventure. I have set up profiles on hook-up sites, and feel a bit trashy for doing so...but I just need to get over my hangups! I also have tried dating sites, but folks there seem to be more relationship-oriented than I want to be while still figuring things out. A hook-up app is operating on my phone...hahaha...but none of this has led anywhere. What else can I be doing? Is anybody who uses these networks going to want to "hook up" (which I guess is basically what I am wanting) with a 28-year-old gay-sex novice who looks reasonably OK? What am I missing here?

    Thank you for bearing with my rambling. I would love to hear any advice that you might have for me!
     
    #1 1900ante, Feb 10, 2012
  2. flymetothemoon

    flymetothemoon
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    First off, know that you are not alone in your desires. I was in a VERY similar situation a few years ago where I had been with a man for 3 years, and I was happy, but I wanted to know what was going on with the feelings I was having toward women, mostly one in particular in my case. Like you, I was given permission to explore my feelings, and I did so and now am engaged to that woman. In the end, things did end with the man I was with, and though it was difficult for a while, we are able to all be friends now, so know that it is possible to remain friends if things did change in the future, especially as she seems to be so understanding.

    As for if people are going to want to hook up with someone who is a gay sex novice at your age, certainly there are people who will. You just have to find them, which is unfortunately the hard part. I know you said there are no community organizations in your town where you could meet other gay men, but are there any in a surrounding city that you might be able to venture to? That would be my suggestion if possible. Others may have better ideas on that front, though, because I did get lucky and already know the girl I ended up with, so I didn't really have to seek her out.
     
    #2 flymetothemoon, Feb 10, 2012
  3. 1900ante

    1900ante
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    Flytothemoon, many thanks for sharing your similar story, and congratulations on finding a situation that works better for you! It is a relief to hear from people in positions not unlike my own, and to know that progress toward my desires can in fact be made...and that friendships do not HAVE to end as a result (something that my current partner and I are really wanting to work out, regardless of details).

    I do worry that at 28, I may have missed a certain boat. What little I know of the hook-up culture seems to skew younger, closer to college-age...and while I would not be opposed to testing the waters with someone a few years younger, I have some doubts that the average early-20s hook-up-seeker would view a late-20s seeker in a similar light. It strikes me that more people in my demographic are to the point of wanting long-term relationships--which I would ultimately like to have (and from the past six years' experience, I know that I am capable of successfully having), but not yet! I wish that I had seen about all of this several years ago when it was first dawning on me...but I did not. However, I feel that the clock is steadily ticking, and am eager to not continue letting time pass without action and exploration on my part...we'll see whether I can get anywhere, though.
     
    #3 1900ante, Feb 10, 2012
  4. insidehappy

    insidehappy
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    you are 28. you are in your 20s. you are young and probably look like you're in your early to mid 20s anyway. i do not know about hookup sites but what i do know is that if something is purely sex related, you will definitely find someone that would "hook up with you". its sounds as though that's all you want right now anyway.

    i think what i did not quite understand is if you plan to discreetly hook up while you're in a relationship with the girl. it sounds as tho she and the counselor gave you permission to do so but it also kinda sounds like that would be hard on teh person you're dating no matter how supportive they are.

    have you thought about ending the relationship right now in order to really get a chance to see what you want. i guess its a catch 22 becasue if you end the relationship and try to "hookup with a guy" and then you dont like it and realize that you would rather be back with teh partner, then that may not work out. if you hookup while you're with her, that may also not work out.

    personally it seems like she is a great friend who you love but you are really not "in love" with her and you have a burning desire to focus on your true attractions but dont know where to start so having her as a crutch is a good "transition" for you.

    what i can tell you is that i do not think the sex will give you anymore clarity that what you already have. you may love it, you may hate it, but you know you will still be attracted to guys. if you hate it, you will think, 'ok maybe i did not like it beause i was not emotionally connected to this guy and i would like to be emotionally connected with teh person i have sex with". then you will start on the hunt for that type of connection. my point is, all roads seem to lead to the girl beign out of the picture.
     
    #4 insidehappy, Feb 10, 2012
  5. Filip

    Filip
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    First of all, Welcome to EC! It's good you're taking the step to explore your sexuality, and I hope we can help with it! :smilewave

    It is probably easier to get a hook-up the younger you are, but the truth is that when it comes to gay hook-ups, it's not too hard to get a bed-partner at any age. I don't have any personal experience with hooking up, but a cursory scan over EC turns up a lot of people in their late 20s or older who had no problem exploring. If anything, most of them seem to be complaining there's too many people interested in just hook-ups...
    And while I don't make a habit of prying into my gay friends' lovelifes (all of them my own age (28) or thereabouts), I do get the distinct impression they're not exactly wanting for companionship when they feel like it.

    I guess I'll start with a disclaimer: fundamentally, I do agree with insidehappy. If you are already shocked when hearing of friends having casual sex, then whatever data you'd get from hooking up with a guy is going to be limited. If it's awesome, then you have your proof, but if you end up not enjoying it and/or feeling dirty or violated, it might have nothing to do with whether or not gay sex works for you. It might be more you not being OK with any kind of casual or unemotional sex, doubly so if you somehow feel like you're jeopardising your current relationship.

    So: do be careful you're not (intentionally or unintentionally) setting yourself up with a disappointing experience in an effort to bargain yourself back to straightness. I've done the bargaining game with myself long enough to know it is a risk.


    However, if you want to proceed further, I do think some more initiative on your part might be needed. Hanging around on sites, waiting for someone to take the initiative is all good and well, but if everyone did that, those sites wouldn't exactly do a good job :wink:
    So if you see someone who might be interesting, is somewhat nearby and doesn't have "long-term relationships" listed as a requirement, you might want to send that guy a message, instead of waiting to see who happens by your profile.
    Even on dating sites: strike up some form of communication! If it doesn't lead to anything because of mismatched objectives, then you don't lose a lot, except the time it took to talk.

    And maybe even some superficial flirty talking with guys on hook-up sites might already give you an indication. In fact, if just online talking of the more flirty and erotic variety seems like an interesting experiment, then you can find that on a lot of places on the internet.
    (though, as a disclaimer to anyone reading this: EC is not one of those places, and in general they are cesspools of older guys trying to hook up with younger people, so don't ever use an unsupervised system if you're underage, and generally don't use it as a way to hook up even if you're an adult).

    In any case: don't ever get desperate. 28 is still young enough to have all your options open (then again, being 28 years old, I would say that :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:). Taking the first guy to come along just out of fear of not getting anyone better is the surest way to disappointment. Even if it's "just" casual sex, always make sure it's on your own terms!
     
    #5 Filip, Feb 10, 2012
  6. alex1170

    alex1170
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    First off, let me say that I think you are going to have a hard time comparing intimacy with a girl you have been with for 6 years and are in love with, to a guy you most likely have just met. Hooking up with someone you are already comfortable around and especially in love with is much more satisfying, and anyone can tell you that. Now, I am not sure exactly how you can solve this problem. Perhaps you could try to pursue a relationship with a man, while at the same time still being with your girlfriend. You mentioned that she is very open, and you could always ask her if this is an option she would be willing to explore. Hopefully she would be ok with it, because in the long run if you stay with her when you are meant to be with a man, things will be even more difficult.

    To address another point you brought up, about being 28 and not being able to hook-up at your age. I am actually 20 years old and I have just recently begun a relationship with a 28 year old man. This is the first ever gay relationship for both of us, and neither of us had ever even really hooked up with another guy before. He has always hooked up with girls before me. There is actually a thread all about how our relationship developed on this site if you are interested, just go to my profile and look up posts I started. I am not suggesting that you have to do exactly the same thing, but rather just trying to point out that 28 is not too old at all. As long as you find the right fit for you.

    One last thing I just happened to notice in your writing. It sounds like you have a string feeling that you would be happier in a relationship with a man. Not that you are not happy with you current relationship. And I can see how you are probably feeling like you do not want to lose what you have, but at the same time you are thinking "what if". It is a tough predicament, and because you are already so honest with your girlfriend, you may just be able to avoid losing her while seeing if she is even the right fit. And as far as finding other guys to hook up with, I would suggest being a little bit more proactive on the internet, there are plenty of guys on dating and hook-up sites looking for the exact same thing you are, you just have to find them.

    Anyways best of luck man, this is a tricky one for sure, but I have faith you will get through it alright.
     
    #6 alex1170, Feb 10, 2012
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