Hey, I'm new around here(er, as of today). Anyway, I just thought this seemed like an open place to come and share, so share I will! I am 24 and began coming out last summer, to college friends first, then immediate family, and I only recently began broaching the high school network by telling one friend I still stay in touch with. I have been extraordinarily lucky in the fact that I have had nothing but incredible support from everyone I have told. I've not lost one friend, and feel like my relationships have only grown stronger as a result. As will be no'urprise to anyone here, it took me a long time to come to terms with being gay, coming out to myself-to defeat those self-loathing messages that have become so ingrained. Finally, I gathered the strength to start telling people. My friends are incredible, I knew that this would not change our relationships, as a result of hearing their thoughts on homosexuality, so I figured I was only torturing myself by not being completely open with them. A similar situation existed with my family, who are all progressive, intelligent people. Oddly enough, I knew my dad would be fine with it, but it was my mom I was more concerned about. Anyway, I have felt nothing but love and support from those whom I have told. However, for me to say that I am totally at ease with being gay, for me to say that I am completely confident about it or that I dont still try to fit the 'straight, American, masculine identity' would be a lie. I do, and as an example, I still find it uncomfortable, weird, difficult, whatever, to talk about men that I find attractive with other friends-even those to whom I am out. It still feels weird, still doesnt seem comfortable. I don't really have any gay friends either, I don't really go to gay bars/clubs etc(or any other bars for that matter-not much of a bar fly). I still find myself somewhat judgmental of more stereotypically gay men, I guess, because I think they are doing more to divide themselves from other people than building connections? I dont like this judgmental behavior I find myself in because I know it clearly stems from a lot of my own insecurity. I want to change that, I want to change the way I view myself and others, I want to love everything about myself and not be so judgmental. I know that people are only being themselves and loving themselves and I see that and it is something that I want but yet I still seem to fall into this terrible trap. Perhaps I should also mention that I was born with a mild form of Cerebral Palsy, which affects my motor skills, my speech and my gait in a very apparent way. So in a way, I feel like I have had to grow up a lot faster than a lot of my friends in dealing with some of these things all throughout childhood, and so you might think that dealing with being gay would be easy, having dealt with some of these things all the way along, and I will say that dealing with being gay IS, in fact a bit easier than dealing with CP(this is in no way meant to diminish anyone else's experience, because I know that other's experiences with being gay have not been as fortunate as mine have), but I still really wrestle with my being gay and being totally comfortable with it. I suppose it comes from a desire not to give people another reason to reject me? I guess that because of the CP, I have gotten used to being as 'likable' as possible because I know if I weren't(wasn't??), that I would be very lonely? But even this creates a problem because then you have a situation where you are not true to yourself, loving of everything you are, but only what other people want you to be? I guess this is what I am working on now. Perhaps some of you vets here have some words of wisdom for this newbie. Sorry for the novel, this turned out to be much longer than I expected and I commend those still reading.........
Welcome to EC and sorry for being late to the thread! First of, congrats on coming out to everyone and its awesome to hear that you have encountered supportive responses from the people that you love! Coming out is a process and not just one single event. Telling people that you are gay is one of the most important steps, but its also not the end of the process. Like you mentioned, even after everyone knows you are going to find that you are still not 100% okay with the whole thing, and that is only normal. We are human and we naturally don't like change. Its uncomfortable, its new and we aren't used to it. All I can tell you is to keep doing what you are doing. You sound like you are self-aware and you know what you want, so now go for it. EC is specially a great place to start talking to other people that are gay and to experience other points of view that exist out there. It personally took me close to a year after coming out to my family and friends to completely be okay with the fact that I am gay and to "bring it up" with friends. It took me a little longer to be completely okay with other people's "gayness" and to understand that they are just being themselves. And it took me even longer understanding how complex the LGBT community really is. Give yourself time and don't forget to enjoy the process
Hi there and welcome to EC. You've come to the right place. You don't need to do anything but be yourself here, and you'll find people who will accept you and support you. I'm glad to hear that you've had such positive experiences in coming out. That's awesome. You're an inspiration to others who might also have a disability of some kind and who are gay. Yes - it's more difficult to carry around these two things than just one - so good for you!
I am in a very similiar situation. A lot of the time, I find myself acting masculine and such like I always had. For the most part, that is me, but not so much. I enjoy a lot of feminine things. I find myself being annoyed by the stereotypical gay guy, but for me I think it's almost out of jealousy. I couldn't do that. I know the first thing I started changing after I came out was my clothes. But to start really talking about guys and such isn't easy. Granted though, I'm not sure how much I would normally anyway. I have one older gay friend that I can talk with some. But other then that its just a few of my girlfriends. I still don't say 'I'd like to do that guy', but I enjoy talking about guys hair and what not. I don't think I could do it with guys, just girls who can relate. Sometimes I feel like I am trying to be gay, but I just remind myself that I am really enjoying what I am doing and it's just me trying to be myself. Whom is gay. Message me if you'd like to talk sometime. Having CP shouldn't change anything either, I hope you didn't feel like you need to add that. One of my best friends has CP, and we both, for different reasons, matured much faster in a lot of ways then our peers. I was actually kind of irritated when I was coming to terms with being gay, which was after high school, and was having such a problem with it. It was like, 'This should be more simple!'
I'd say im in the same situation as you guys. I'm out now for the most part and my friends and social life havent changed one bit, but I'm just not completely there myself. I do dress nicer and actually do my hair now, but i cant get myself to talk about anything "gay". When my girlfriends talk about guys they will look at me expecting me to chip in but i never do, and when Im with my guy friends I usually dont even look at other guys im interested it, let alone talk about them. Just hang in there, I think it will all come with time. Thats what I believe
First of all, don't feel sorry for writing 'novels' here. We all need to vent and unload our emotions at times. I've found these forums are a perfectly legitimate place to do so. People here are almost universally patient, thoughtful, and accepting. Secondly, I identify closely with your situation. I've begun coming out to close friends and family members the past few months...the inner circle is now 17 people! Like your case, they've all been nothing but wonderful, but sometimes I still find myself tentative and embarrassed to bring up 'gay topics' or comment on attractive guys. Some degree of hesitation is an inevitable consequence of suppressing my thoughts and feelings for so long. Being open and candid isn't going to happen overnight. I'm still a far more guarded person than I hope to become someday. I also didn't give much thought to what happens after the initial conversations. I had spent years building "coming out" up in my mind as this insurmountable mountain, and therefore didn't much consider that life continues on afterward. It's not a one-time event...learning to be comfortable and confident in your own skin is a continuous journey. You, like me, are still in the early stages of learning what it is to live as an openly gay man. Change never happens without a hitch. Occasionally I have to remember that I'm out to certain people, because my instinctive reaction is still avoidance and bashfulness, since that was the defensive mechanism I had constructed when I was closeted. All you can do is laugh at yourself sometimes. I suppose none of this is particularly useful advice for you. Just know that I, and others, are right here along with you. :icon_bigg
Many thanks for all of your responses. It is incredibly, albeit maybe a bit strangely, comforting knowing that others struggle with some of the same issues. Not, of course because I want everyone to suppress and avoid being themselves, but the acknowledgement that these issues are more common than my isolated experiences is indeed comforting. I have become a bit more comfortable occasionally bring up these subjects with a close girlfriend or two. But it still feels strange. Even though I've known my preference for ever, there is still this tendency to internalize the straight mentality, of course. On the other end of the spectrum, there are also the messages that come from those who are affirming of homosexuality to "love yourself, no matter what" and the pressure felt to just be automatically totally comfortable with it. While that is certainly something toward which I am working, there has to be a space for acknowledging that there are struggles in achieving that level of contentment. I suppose only with practice will I become increasingly comfortable with being more open about these subjects with others. Thanks again for all of the responses! Hope to be more active around here...
