Coming Out - Need Help

Hi,

I really need to get this out now: I'm 26, I live in Berlin Germany and I'm gay. The last thing is only known to me. In over 12 years since I first showed an interest in guys I have not yet found the courage to talk to anyone and come out.

When I was 13 or 14 and started watching guys differently I was already bullied for being fat and a nerd and did not have many friends at school or anywhere else so I just put off being gay and never taled to anyone about it. I got into sports when I was around 16 and lost a lot of weight and became a little less socially awkward but still did not have any real friends to talk to. Thus, all through high school I never told anyone about my feelings and kept mostly to myself.

I had a few more friends (some of them very good friends) than when I was younger but still I was pretty shy due to being bullied before and never wanted to risk any of them by telling them the truth about me.

After high school I started working at a hotel and gained a lot of self confidence there. Never enough to tell anyone I was gay though. On the contrary I even told stories about former girlfriends that never existed and spun myself a pretty web of lies. I made some of my best friends ever during that time who I never had the courage to come out to. One of my colleagues was gay and he introduced me to other gay guys who I was pretty eager to meet. But whenever I was thinking about coming out to them I found myself telling another lie.

In 2010 I left work to go to university and moved to Berlin where I met a lot of new people some of them gay. Here, I was beginning to realise I couldn't live on like this. Out of old habit I told all of my new friends the same fake stories I used to tell before.

Lately I'm feeling more and more depressed and I know I have to get this out somehow but I don't know how to start.

Oh yeah, my parents: when I was 16 or so my mother accidentally (really - she's not the sneaky type) read my browser history (no porn just some gay news pages and such) and asked me about it, telling me she'd be completely okay with me being gay which I believe she would. I denied however and told her it was some research for school which she seemed to believe as we were always honest to eah other. I don't know if my father suspected/suspects as well. What I know is that both my parents and the rest of my family would still love me unconditionally.

I am sure most of my friends and family would be completely okay with me being homosexual and still I can't find the courage to talk to anyone. Some of them even suspected already and I kept denying. How should I start anyway?

"oh, by the way I've been lying to you for the past 12 years /since I've known you." Not a good thing to tell friends and family... What is it that I am so afraid of losing by coming out? My friends, my integrity? I know I won't lose my friends for being gay then why can't I just come out?

Please guys, how can I handle my situation