After a few attempts I finally got my mom to actually say something about what she felt and I have no idea what to write back: Honestly the fact that she can't be more open makes me really angry. My best friend's mom has said that if he were gay, which is he is not, she would be totally supportive, and I can't stand that my mom is like that. That she intuitively has to find someone to blame, makes me feel like something is wrong with me, rather than merely different. Secondly, all of the second paragraph is bullshit. I hate my brother when I was young and didn't learn to love him until well after I knew I was gay. I want to laugh and cry and tell her to get her self together and get over it. I said initially that I understood that it would take time for them to understand this, but clearly I do not have the patience for this. Also, I love my mom and I think she and my dad did the best the best they could to raise my brother and I, even if it was not perfect.
maybe u can tell mom that its not her fault and that you have felt like this for some time. also your bro is not gay so you're just different. tell her that its not important now to figure out how or why this is, but just to undertand this is what it is. there's noone to blame but you definitely need her love and support moving forward as in the past.
Well, that last paragraph is already a good start for a reply! Make it clear that she didn't fail at "raising a straight kid", but that you feel she did a wonderful job at raising you just the way you are. (Maybe avoid the "even if it wasn't perfect" qualifiers. If she's anything like my own mom, she's sure to latch on to just that one remark, even if it's drowned in an ocean of supportiveness). If you want to defuse the second paragraph, maybe you could stress that this is exactly what everyone tried to teach you. Parents often talk out loud about "when you get married" or "when you meet a girl you like". Movies, songs, books... all of them stress that "straight is normal". Even among friends, there's often some pressure to confirm to the "straight mold". And if all of those influences combined didn't teach you to be straight, then it really must be proof that you were pretty gay all along (And, of course, as insidehappy mentions: your brother was raised in the same family and he isn't gay, so that already proves it isn't that simple). Fundamentally, I do think patience is what's needed, though. She's evidently working through a combination or bargaining and anger (even if she focuses the anger on herself). Good news is that those are steps on the road to acceptance. Bad news is that walking that road takes time. So the best thing you can do is not involve yourself too much in specific rationalisations, but keep stressing that you're happy just the way you are, and that you think they really did do a good job as parents.
Thanks for your advice. As much as it is not what I want to hear, it is a good reality check. I'll try to get that point across in my response about the socialization of the heterosexual norm. I guess one of the big problems I am having now is that some of this is getting under my skin. Not just from mom, but from a few things my dad has said, and an off handed comment from my counselor about the complexity of human sexuality. The problem is that I am not entirely happy the way I am. There is nothing inherently good about being gay, but I was able to move on and be content with the underpinning that I have no other choice because it is fundamentally biological. But all of these conversations have served to undermine this notion, and plant the seed that it is psychological as well as biological, and since I believe psychological states are not fixed, i.e. people can change who they are, I have begun wondering lately if I could change. Of course I know this is not true, but I am really unhappy and angry that they can't move on and just accept that this is the way I am. I don't need/ can't afford to open that pandora's box after all of the progress I have made in the past eight months, and I feel myself slipping.
It's natural for you to be upset and even angry with your mother for what she told you, but I'd like to put a positive spin on it. Your mother loves you enough and trusts you enough to tell you how she feels, without whitewashing it, or pretending to be 100% supportive when she isn't. This demonstrates, to me, a very strong and healthy relationship. Your task is to use this to your advantage. Like Filip said, she has been socialized to treat heterosexuality as normative, I recommend you show her that you are happy being gay, and that millions of people lead happy, fulfilled lives while gay. Organizations like PFLAG are your friend here.
