What sexual advances? But seriously, I just act really cold and basically just let awkward silences occur and give short dismissive answers to any questions. Never been touched in a particularly unwanted way or anything like that though.
I have given that response and thought it would work for him to lose interest but last time it happened the guy went further and to sexually abuse me.
well it was an guy who is an friends friend and I knew he was trying to hit on to me and I avoided contact and acted I was not interested. he started touching me on the leg an little and I did not think of it as I have friends touch me and I dont give it an second thought of the hitting on to me. He offered me an lift home and he started to touch me more, even touching my crouch even though I was wearing trousers. He kept saying that he wanted to do me and go over an quite place to do it but I said I was very tired and wanted to go home. Then he unzipped his zipper and exposed himself. He took me home but it could have got worse. I should have made it more clear and assertive such as pushing his hand away when he was touching me and saying stop or no.
Its not really your fault. Misunderstandings like this happen all the time. Its easy for it to happen. Its hard to stop people thinking you're up for it without sounding like an asshole.
If you really aren't interest just tell him to fck off.. honestly, theres no reason to be nice with that sort of behaviour.. this has happened to me too, and its best not to have any interactions unless you are comfortable.. you won't enjoy it and will regret it later if you go ahead.
Assholes like that tend to specifically go after people that either don't have the strongest physical boundaries, or have difficulties being self-assertive. It's an acquired skill, but you have to learn to be assertive in each situation where this sort of thing happens. The short-answer-and-awkward-silence approach is a great start that will work with people who have reasonable social graces. But for the clods and arrogant jerks who don't have the common sense to pick up when someone isn't interested, or who don't take no for an answer, you need to physically assert your boundaries. And that can be hard for some people. The thing you may have to remind yourself is that your body is yours, and NO ONE is entitled to touch it unless it's touch you've welcomed because it's someone you know, or someone you feel safe touching. It's not a reasonable expectation that someone can walk up and grab your butt, put their hand on your upper leg or crotch, or anything of the sort; a friend wouldn't do that, unless it was in a joking way, and in that case, you would both have an understanding going in. The clod has no interest in that sort of social subtlety. The very first time someone touches you in a way that isn't welcomed or appreciated, directly tell them. Remove their hand, look them in the eye, and say "Please don't touch me." If you're feeling really charitable, you can repeat that warning if they do it again. But if not, punching them in the stomach will usually get the message across. If someone does something really inappropriate like pulling out their penis, I would say something to the effect of "I'm not sure what part of "NO" you don't understand, but this needs to stop now. I'm not joking. Do I make myself clear?" In all but the most sociopathic people, this will get the message across, and they will stop. If they continue, physically protecting yourself by hitting them, or calling the police may be necessary.
You did not do anything wrong. He was wrong to presume that he could touch you. A willing partner would have responded to sexual advances--such as by touching him in return, or leaning into his touch, or giving some kind of sign. When you did not respond to his initial touch, he should have stopped touching you. An unresponsive partner is a non-consenting partner. Consent is not passive. You do not say "yes" just by not saying "no." Your consent should never be presumed. And you did say no. He asked you to go off and have sex with him, and you refused. And then he kept touching you anyway, and exposed himself, despite your clear non-consent. That is not a misunderstanding, or even an unwanted sexual advance--that is sexual assault. It is very common for the victims of sexual assault to feel guilt and shame, as if they had done something wrong or it was somehow their fault. But the responsibility lies with the person committing assault, not the person who is assaulted. There is nothing you should have done differently. He disregarded all the social signals that you sent that you were not interested. The reason people above suggested just ignoring advances and being cold and unresponsive is that these are clear signals of disinterest and non-consent. Giving those signals is normally enough to get the other person to stop, and it SHOULD be enough. When he continued without regard for what you wanted, you did not know what to do. He acted as if what he was doing was perfectly normal and okay, and especially the first time it happens to you, it's very confusing. You think, "He seems to think this is okay. I must have done something to make him think that this was okay." But you didn't. He just didn't care very much how you felt about it. You had already done everything you would normally have to do to deter an unwanted partner. It shouldn't be necessary for you to be more forceful or "assertive;" it should be sufficient that you do not consent. It's common in stories about sexual assault that the victim didn't really respond in any way. The perpetrator is often someone they know, and what he's doing is such a violation of trust and normal social expectations, that it's very confusing, and it's hard at first to understand what's going on. The perpetrator acts as if he has consent even though he doesn't, and the victim tries to figure out how to make it clear that they don't want this to happen. But it was already clear, and the perpetrator did what he wanted anyway. You say that you should have been more assertive, pushed his hand away, and so on. But you had already been clear that you didn't want to have sex with him, you wanted to go home. That is a refusal. When you refused him, he should have stopped, and most people would have stopped. Most people would have stopped even before that, when you were unresponsive to advances. You say that it could have been worse. That is true--but it could almost always be worse. Rape victims can say that it could have been worse, they could have been murdered, but that doesn't mean that they were not really violated, or that what happened to them was insignificant. The fact that other people have worse things happen to them does not mean that what happened to you was not serious, or that you do not have something valid to be angry about. You were not able to respond to the situation effectively at the time because you didn't recognize it for what it was. If you had recognized what was happening to you as sexual assault, you would probably have responded differently. But at the time, the situation was too confusing. He was someone you knew, although not well, and you didn't expect him to disregard your feelings so completely--so you kept thinking there must be some kind of miscommunication happening, and you didn't react immediately with anger. I guess my answer to your original question is that it needs to be rephrased to "How do you deal with sexual assault?" I think that you dealt with the original unwanted advances very appropriately. Any reasonable person would have understood that you were not interested. If it happens again, you will hopefully recognize what is happening for what it is, and realize that whoever is assaulting you is doing something wrong, and that he should reasonably know that it's wrong. Then you will be able to respond to the situation as you would respond to any situation where someone is knowingly and purposely doing something to you that is wrong. But whether you do or not, sexual assault is always 100% the responsibility of the perpetrator. He is the one who did something wrong. You did not. Here are some websites with resources for male sexual assault survivors: For Male Survivors of Rape & Sexual Abuse | Pandora's Project male sexual assault Male Rape
Thank you for the responses Ianthe and Chip. I did flirt with him before he kept on touching me but I was with some of my friends and I can flirt an bit with friends and it does not mean I hitting on to them and the friends do the same to me but the guy that sexually assulted me saw it an different way. Even after he touched me and I did not respond he asked me several times to take off my pants while he exposed himself. I just kept saying I am really tired and want to go home. I already told an friend that knows him what happened and my friend said he is an idiot and next time I just want to avoid this guy. Next time this guy shows up I will just walk up and leave. I hate telling people in the face to leave me alone as I hate conflict. I even as an child was sexually assulted in an very similar matter. Even though I am an adult I did not recognise the assult until he started to touch me on the crouch.
I suspected the second part, based on what you said, because people who have difficulty feeling ownership of their own boundaries are almost always those who have been assaulted or abused as children. First, I'm sorry that you had to go through that. It's a difficult thing that can have a lasting impact, and many people don't even realize the subtle impacts it can have. But more importantly, it's all that much more important for you to listen to what Ianthe said... that your body is yours, and that no one has the right to touch it without your permission. For trauma and abuse survivors, that is a message that is hard to really absorb -- it's much easier to say "Oh, it's not that big a deal" or "Oh, I don't really mind"... but that isn't true. And the abuse makes it hard to tell people not to touch you or leave you alone, in part because for many of us, we learned as a child that we didn't have that choice, and objecting didn't make any difference. So as adults, we have to unlearn that behavior. Contrary to what you learned, it's not rude, confrontational, or unsafe to have boundaries about how your body is touched. It takes time, and it can even be scary the first few times you open your mouth, or take someone's hand away. But it is also incredibly empowering to do that. I encourage you to at least think about it and try it out in small but meaningful ways to you.
The only thing I want to add to Chip's suggestions is to mention that, if you have never had any counseling to deal with the childhood abuse, you might find it very beneficial to talk to a therapist with experience dealing with male survivors of sexual abuse, or with a support group of survivors. It really can make a big difference.
