Long story short, my sister just outed me to my alcoholic parents (who were drunk at the time). Earlier we had an argument and so she spilled my secrets (she didn't know I could hear her from outside) out of what I believe to be spite and spirit of the moment anger. Obviously I'm upset. Because not only am I not ready, I wanted to tell them myself when I was; AND since my mother is so drunk she also has it in her head that I'm transgendered (I'm andro so I present myself as a bit boyish however I'm happy as a female). BUT to make matters worse, my sister realized that what she did was wrong and so went against her own words and said she was lying (which I can tell they haven't bought). So now, my parents (mother in particular) are harassing me about it, telling me to cough up and admit it. They're not anti-gay ... however would not/do not know how to treat a lesbian daughter. I'm out to a few friends but not my closest so I don't have a great support network. More or less, I'm asking for advice on what to do next as I don't want to come out yet but have been pushed into a corner. [I lurk these forums but now I'm the one that needs help.. so noob member lol).
They already pretty much know. You're basically already out to them. Just tell them. There is no other way. The questions will just keep coming otherwise.
I think unless you think it will be unsafe for you to do so you should confirm it to them. It might feel like the hardest thing to do now but it will save you having to go through the whole process again in the future. As for your parents knowing how to treat a lesbian daughter, well that should just be the same as they treated you when they thought you were straight. If you feel you absolutely cant tell them, then you can deny it but it will probably take them a while to believe you and means in the future it might make it harder to come out. Perhaps if you tell them you are a lesbian but you are not transgendered then you will find some middle ground.
I maybe you should just come out. I would think that no matter what you say now to the contrary, there will be this little voice in their heads saying, "What if." Why prolong the agony and be dodging it forever?
Wait until they are sober, and then come out to them. Do NOT continue to discuss it with them while they are drunk. If you have to, tell them that it's a very serious thing in your life, and you just want to be sure that they are clear-headed when you discuss it with them. When you talk to them, make sure to include both that you are a lesbian, and that you are not transgender, even though you have every intention of continuing to dress in masculine clothing. And let them know that this was not how you planned on telling them. That is a very serious betrayal by your sister. How old is she?
I absolutely understand why you are upset, I would be too if my parents found out in such a way, and pretty angry too. Now that your parents do "know", it's probably best to talk to them about it, particularly if you are still living at home/dependant on them. It's a difficult situation - I couldn't help but think that the choice of how/when to come out has been taken away from you through your sister's actions. Have you spoken to your sister about how it's made you feel that she told your parents? If you do speak to your parents, wait until they are sober, that way they will have a better chance of understanding, and particularly if you want to put your point across that you aren't transgender. If they are sober they'll a) be more likely to really "listen", and b) be more capable of having an adult conversation with you about it all. Wishing you lots of luck with this
Thanks for the advice. I think you're all right in saying I pretty much have to, and I will tell them if they ask while they're sober. I tried saying to my mother when she was drunk that I'll talk to her only when she was clear headed but just got some verbal abuse (she doesn't like it when people confront her problem) so I'm just going to keep quiet when they're intoxicated to avoid any arguments. As for my older sister, she's in her 20's however very immature and self centred. I asked her why she would do such a thing and she started blaming me for her actions, saying that I told her to do it etc. etc. (I've told her in the past that being out would be nice, but I want to do it on my own terms in my own way). Her conceited personality tends to mean she ends up meddled in other peoples business for her own pleasure without even thinking of the other party involved. All I can say is my trust level with her is absent now.
ugh - I'm sorry this happened to you.. I'm sure a lot can relate here.. alcohol and its deamons.. sigh. Just remember that its not your issue, its theres. Unfortunately, due to their addiction, you may have to confront this one yourself. Wait till your mum/or dad are clear headed and in a low stress setting (whoever you think is easier to deal with).. and just say you are really upset about what your sister did as you would have liked to tell them you are gay personally and it was not her business. But most importantly, don't stress.. what your sister did was not her place. I would also talk to her and tell her you are very upset with her.. like you have already done.. But all this aside, remember this is about you and your sexuality.. its not about any one else and you don't owe anyone anything. Once again, I'm sorry this happened on these terms.. it stinks, but life throws curveballs like these from time to time, so stay strong and good luck!
Well, day after and they're all acting like nothing happened (including my sister), so I really have no idea whats going to happen.
I know my father probably has no clue what was going on during the night and the morning after, so I'm not worried about him. My mother on the other hand I think she knows what happened just isn't bringing it up as she obviously feels bad about harassing me and stuff. So I'm sure she knows about my sexuality and it will just be a matter of me confirming it; which in a was is good because in a sense I'll be able to reclaim my coming out and do it the way I want.
Hi, I won't say that I know how you feel, since I'm not in your situation, but I do know what it is like to have family members with drinking problems and I know how though it can be to have any kind of normal conversation with them in such a state. So I'll just say hang in there and I hope you come across a day when you'll be able to have a clear and understanding talk about all that and good luck
Yeah, being outed is painful. Not to make light of your situation, but at least your parents were drunk and might not remember. My then husband told my teenagers and they were not drunk. Needless to say, my what I thought was wonderful, relationship with my 20 year old son is pretty shattered. On the upside my 16 year old daughter has given up glaring at me and seems to be coming to grips with it all. I wish you the best with your parents. Believe me, my parents will be the last to know.
