Met A Guy, Neither Is Out, Any Advice?

Hey there - and welcome to the site, by the way.

First off, it seems like maybe he's a little nervous about meeting you. I don't know why that would be, but when someone cancels on the first meet-up that always seems to mean something. He could be nervous just because of the idea of meeting a guy, or he could be nervous because he knows you have expectations about where things go if it goes beyond friendship.

What was the context of the first meeting? Were you going out for coffee or something, out for a movie or food or something fun, or were you going to go over to his place/have him come over to your place? The scene could make a lot of difference.

On the other hand, it sounds like he's very taken with you - the texting good morning and good night is very cute, and skype time is always nice, especially if you're both liking what you see.

I would say maybe suggest something neutral or relaxed for a meet-up next time. As in, a low-pressure situation where you don't have to constantly focus on each other. If you want to stay in touch, stay in touch and see where it goes!

 

While completely closeted relationships can work, I strongly advise against them. There are several reasons for this.

First, when you really like someone, and even moreso when they like you back, it hurts not to be able to tell anyone. Humans are social creatures, it's in our nature to want to share our triumphs and failures (more on that later) with those who are close to us. Having the giddy energy that comes from being in a new relationship and needing to conceal it is not pleasant.

Second, if one of you does start to come out, it's likely that the out person will resent the other. Rather than being a shared secret, your relationship is now in a precarious position where only one person wants it to remain a secret. When I was dating B he was in the closet and I was coming out, largely because being with him gave me the courage and desire to. I respected his right to remain closeted, but it tore me up like nothing else not being able to tell people why I was coming out.

Third, when no one knows you're in a relationship, there is no reality check on it from your friends and family. When I was dating B there were warning signs that the relationship was not healthy, and that he didn't like me nearly as much as I did him, that I was oblivious to. None of my friends were able to point out these warning signs to me. Had he been abusive (and anyone you meet, no matter how nice he seems, has the potential to be an abusive partner), that would also have remained a secret, completely hidden from my friends

Fourth, if the relationship ends before you are out, you will have no one to go to for emotional support. That is crippling and dangerous, especially for a first relationship. When B dumped me, not only was I wracked with pain, but I could hardly tell anyone. I had to hide that pain so that they wouldn't know I was gay, or in the case of those who knew I was gay and knew B, that I'd been dating B. That left me with three people to talk to. It wasn't nearly enough, and I suffered for it.

 

Okay, great then! Meet at your own pace and enjoy just hanging out with him and getting to know him.

I will, btw, second Mogget's advice, although personally I think that two people in the closet can be good for each other in certain circumstances. It helps deal with the psychological pressure and may, in some cases, help both people come out. Or it just might make them happy and confirm for them who they are. Do, however, look into getting some kind of support network - no relationship, gay or hetero, private or public, can survive with just two people alone. You'll need, at least, some friends to talk to about it.

 

For sure try to meet him in person on campus or other public place. Meet for lunch or coffee maybe. If it goes well you can keep doing stuff together. There's nothing unusual making new friends while in college so his and your other friends shouldn't suspect anything romantic is going on. Maybe you'll both find that you really enjoy the relationship and take it to serious dating. At which point you can discuss coming out to other friends. You can always talk to us on here about how it's going so you do have an outlet. Good luck

 

I'm in a closeted relationship and I think that the reason it works is bc we have a mutual understanding and desire to stay in the closet forever. It probably won't work as well if either one of you ever decide to come out and the other doesn't. I'd say have fun and be honest with each other. Also, if you decide to come out to your friend, make sure that ur guy is ok with you discussing your situation with your friend. Since he's not out he may not be cool with it so talk to him first. I'm in a similar situation and know how tough it can be not having someone to talk to so feel free to hit me up.

 

my advice is to set up a meeting sooner versus later.

here's why.

1. people sometimes unfortunately do not send you their actual pictures so he could be doing a "bait and switch" on you. imagine talking to this guy for weeks and weeks only to find out that when you meet, he is not actually the real person. this has happened to me on one occassion. Also, even if he is the real person, meeting someone on teh internet may seem nice but when you are together their may or may not be chemistry or you could notice things in person that turn you off or vice versa. so its best to meeet sooner to see if you really like this person that way you to invest all your time and energy in him being "the one" only to be disappointed weeks from now.

if you do meet, meet in a public place, etc. and do not go alone with him to places and for your own safety its always good to tell someone what you're doing and where you're going or leave a detailed note.

as far as you telling your friend, that's up to you. i think you need to meet him first to see if there's going to be anything there or not anyway.

 

Hey man, I am also in a closeted relationship with someone I go to college with. Have been for 3 months now. My advice for you is to do it if you think you are going to be in the closet for a while. It can be a great experience, even if you don't have anyone to talk to about it in person. I find that sharing my experiences here on EC can actually be quite helpful. I considered telling one of my closest friends, but decided against it. I would definitely check with your guy first to make sure it is okay with him if you do decide that is something you want to do. Just remember, some people are not very good at keeping secrets. Anyways, best of luck man. And if want someone to chat with, feel free to post on my wall.

 

sorry that happened to you. it is however a classic story with internet dating. people often use fake pictures because they are just "testing the waters" then when its time to meet, they chicken out. the pics could have been real but there could have been some other lie going on as well. also, sometimes the real person can be posted up there watching you at the "meet up" spot while you're waiting around looking for them. sounds creepy but people do it. they want to see who you are and if you were really like the person on the pictures. everything just depends with internet meet ups.

sorry again that happened but it was best anyway and now you see what type of person this really was. do not answer any communication from him and block him.

 

yea that is weird since u had skype and all. but like i said, some people are just flakes. basically dude he got chicken shit and got nervous and he bailed. he was more closeted than you so he probably at the last minute was like "omg, wtf am i doing!!!!" had a panic attack and didn't show. no matter the reason, cut him off like a tag on a pair of clothes you bought from the store.

 

Sorry richie for the late post, but I've read all the posts and they're all good, except for the above...I actually have to disagree with Insidehappy on this one. I say give him one last chance, and make sure you send him a text. In the text, you should say something like, "If you are so afraid of meeting up with in person, since I'm a guy, then why bother 'gettiing to know' any guy if you'll just be too afraid to meet them in person. There's nothing weird about making new friends in college, everyone does it, it happens all the time, so no one will think anything when they see two guys talking. (I'm guessing you two are straight-acting? It sounds like it, right?) More than likely they'll just think, "Two best friends" and go on with their business. As for his friends, they wont know about you until you can come up with a lie( or partial truth) as to how you guys met.

 

i dont know about this post above. i mean, you guys both skyped, you talked on the phone, you were scheduled to meet and then he had to reschedule. ok then you both reschedule and then he doesn't call, doens't show, and doesn't text and you're just sitting there waiting for him alone and he doesn't respond to your text messages regarding what happened. personally i think that is disrespectful and someone that woudl do that to you obviously coudl care less how you felt, so why send him yet another text to try and rationalize something. he obviously could care less. and i wouldn't waste my time following after some guy and making myself look desperate when he could care less. even if he says "ok you're right, im sorry let's meet" i personally wouldn't want to meet him again because I wouldn't trust that he would show. also, someone that would do this do you clearly isn't even ready for a relationship or a friendship with you anyway, so there's really no point of going back and text stalking him. it just honestly makes you look weird in my opinion to do that and like someone that is pissed off. i wouldn't give him the satisfaction to let him know he pissed me off.

i stand someone up, im making the choice in my head that says: ok screw them i dont want to meet and on top of that, im not going to even tell them im not going to show up and i'm just goingo to let them stand there waiting for me.

so for someone like that, why waste your time. its only going to make you look desperate.

 

He may not be doing this on purpose. It sounds to me more like this guy is scared, of what I don't know, but scared of something. The best thing to do is send that last text, then leave it alone. Once, you've done that, the ball's in his court. If he takes you seriously, then he'll do something about it. If not, then oh well. It won't look desperate, you'll just be giving him a piece of your mind without all the cursing. There is absolutely nothing weird about trying get to the bottom of why he stood you up twice, when it's clear you two had a connection. InsideHappy may right in that you could just give up, but I would rather come out of it knowing what went wrong, rather than having unanswered questions, and posibbly regrets, later. I've been in that situation before, and I still don't go one day without thinking about this particular person and wondering what happened.There's more than one reason that would explain his behavior, and it would do you some good (not bad) to find out why.

 

Good advice from Mogget.