Hi, i've come out to myself over the last few weeks. i've been aware of attractions to girls since i was about 18, but pushed it to the back of my mind. i was with a loving man who i was really happy with for this year so it was quite easy to ignore. recently however my feelings towards girls have become stronger, i tend to find myself checking out every girl that passes me and wondering if they are straight or gay and it's really doing my head in! i do tell myself that i'm as deserving as anyone else to be happy and everything. sometimes i wish i only purely liked girls as then i would be able to just concentrate on them. but being into guys aswell (i've had two long term relationships but they haven't known i like girls aswell) makes things more confusing for me! soo yeah i've been accepting to myself that i'm sexually attracted to girls although this is very difficult. If a thought of being with a girl enters my head i do get abit excited you know, but i'm ashamed to say this disgusts me a bit (sorry i don't mean to be offensive to anyone). i've never even kissed a girl and know it's a part of me i need to explore, but with the fact i also like guys it is just easier to go with them and ignore this other part of me. i know having lesbian tendencies is normal and everything but when i get turned on by thinking about women i do feel disgusted with myself how can i come to terms with this? and i was thinking about joining my uni lgbt group, but i'm so scared to actually give in to my feelings for girls.. need some courage. i feel like i kissed a girl or did anything, i'd be disgusted with myself and run off, and not be able to handle the feelings i'd have. sorry this post is abit rambling, i'm abit confused!! any advice from anyone who has felt similar things and now feels much more comfortable with it would be much appreciated :icon_bigg xx
It's quite normal to experience a period of confusing emotions when you're starting to accept your sexuality, but you have negative feelings about it as well. This is usually due to internalized homophobia - meaning that you have picked up on society's negative attitudes towards LGBT people, and your mind hasn't yet figured out how to reconcile these internalized negative feelings with your own self-image. Often it just takes time to continue getting used to your new identity and slowly chipping away at the negativity. It can help a lot to make some friends in the LGBT community, and talk to them about how you're feeling. Many others will have probably been through the same thing. Is there an organization in your community that you could join? As for feeling scared about being with a girl, this is also perfectly natural. It's always scary to think of being in a situation you've never been in before, not knowing how it will go or what exactly you're supposed to do. A lot of people find, though, that once they meet someone that they really click with, everything falls into place, and it turns out not to be so scary after all. So I'd say don't try to rush anything with any girl just for the sake of having the experience. Wait for someone to come along who you really connect with.
thanks for your reply. i read another post that said homophobia comes from within with fears you have yourself rather than problems people actually have with you and i totally agree with this. i guess i have just identified as straight for so long, it's scary to have my feelings just change literally in front of my eyes and there's nothing i can do about it! i am clinging on to the fact that i still like men, but as my feelings for women have grown stronger literally since december, i'm worried that my feelings for men will disappear completely. i don't know how i'd deal with that.. my best female friends from home get changed infront of me, if they have a heavily padded bra on they'll be like go on poke it see how thick it is. this doesn't turn me or anything, i've known them since i was 4. but i'm worried if i tell them how i'm feeling they will feel wierd about the past or will behave differently in the future.. i don't want them to feel they have to act in different ways around me and i don't want them to worry about me checking them out!! cos i just don't see them like that. there is a community i could join at university, however, the president of that society happens to be a housemate of a few of my close friends, i'm worried he would tell them about me or they would find out, when i'm not ready to tell people yet until i'm comfortable with it all. also my ex boyfriend from when i was 18 is in my friendship group still, and i don't want him to know either. so i am finding it difficult to find a group to open up to..
I can understand your concerns about joining the campus group. Is there maybe one off-campus? You could try googling "<your city> lgbt" and see what comes up. The concerns about telling your female friends are, again, quite normal. And it really depends on what type of people your friends are. It is possible that you might get an awkward (or worse) reaction from some of them. That's just something you should be mentally prepared for. But try to keep in mind also that anybody who has a real problem with it probably isn't that good of a friend to have after all. In my experience, I'm lucky enough that I haven't had any really bad reactions from anyone. A couple of people seemed a bit awkward for the first while, but they have gotten used to the idea and now it's really no big deal.
