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how gay am I

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by monty, Feb 13, 2012.

  1. monty

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    I'm a 61 y/o married (37years) man who has questioned my sexuality for a long time. I have been to several therapist that have concluded a range of opinions that include "you're not gay to yes you are predominantly gay. With this confusion I have stopped going to therapist because they are just confusing me more.
    My question is how does one go about determining his sexuality. I have lived a straight life but have always had a physical attraction to men. Did have an emotional attraction with a friend 30 years ago when we had a physical relationship. Today all my fantasies are gay related. My wife and I have not had sex in 15 years, she says I'm gay and always suspected that something was not right when we would have sex.
    I don't know if I'm gay enough to go live an "out" lifestyle because I still have a physical attraction to women when I see them in public.
    It's so confusing, I thought that if I was gay then these double takes I have when I see an attractive woman would not be happening.
    Is it just the many years of pretending to be straight that I'm still fooling myself?
    I also wonder if there is a correlation between questioning one's sexuality and having a lack of self-esteem?
    Monty
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  2. Chip

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    Hi, Monty, and welcome to EC!

    If all your fantasies are gay-oriented, and you've always had physical attraction to men, don't feel attracted sexually to your wife, and haven't had sex with her in 15 years, I think it would be hard to classify you as anything other than gay, or at most, the very gay end of the bisexual spectrum.

    Our minds can really mess with us when we're trying to make sense of all of this, in part because if you've lived a straight life for 50+ years, you've had an awful lot of time to create rationalizations for behaviors, false behaviors, and imitations of behaviors to build up and reinforce the idea that you're straight. And I suspect that's what's going on when you talk about having a physical attraction to women you see in public.

    What matters is... what exactly happens with that physical attraction? Are you saying they are pleasant to look at? If that's the case, then any gay man can look at a woman and tell which one is pretty and which one is not-so-pretty. That doesn't make him any less gay. But when he looks at a pretty woman, he doesn't feel sexually aroused by her. And that's the question you really have to look at. My guess is you already know the answer, and the answer is, you aren't sexually aroused. But I could be wrong :slight_smile:

    So I think that's probably your first step. Once you've thought about that, there are other things you can look at, but honestly, my suspicion is you already kind of know, and are starting to process what that actually means. So... tell us a little more, and hopefully we can point you in the right direction.
     
  3. Tracker57

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    Monty, welcome to EC. There are several guys here going through what you're going through. I'm 54 and have been married for 30 years--so I'm just a little behind you. You are taking a major step by joining this site talking about things.

    First, get over the false idea that sexuality is black or white. There are all sorts of shades in between. The Kinsey scale is one way to rate yourself. (My therapist rates me as gayer than I rated myself!) It's not just whether you're straight or gay, but just where you fall on the line. And also, everyone has varying levels of sex drive--from having none to bordering on being a sex addict. And there's nothing wrong with any of that. It's just who you are.

    I can function sexually with exactly one female--my wife (and even then I have problems). Otherwise, women turn me off--literally. Get me around a guy that's half way good looking on the other hand, and I can't help but undress him with my eyes. You may be more in the middle, but it doesn't sound like it. It sounds like you've been fighting yourself and putting a lot of energy into hiding--you will be amazed at how free and light you will feel once you stop. It's scary, but it's wonderful.

    My therapist cautioned me when I came out to him. He said that I need to have some time of release or expression of my sexual energy. Going for 15 years without sexual relations must have been tough. My wife has a LOW sex drive and it's been very tough for me. But I'm finding relief in other ways without having an affair or cheating on her. I have friends who are gay and are married (unhappily) to women and have let their sexuality lead them into embarrassing and humiliating situations--one was arrested for soliciting gay sex from a cop and the other was arrested for having sex in a public park restroom. Find a safe way to get off before you erupt in some dangerous way. I can't imagine how bottled up you must feel.

    And feel free to post on my wall if you want to talk. I check things nearly every day. There are several old married guys here who are all handling things differently. You'll get a good range of views!!!

    When I read your story, I saw so much of myself. I'm feeling for you. And we're here for you.

    Tracker
     
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  4. Jim1454

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    Hi Monty, and welcome to EC. You've come to the right place.

    I was married for 9 years before finally having to accept that I was gay. My wife and I had enjoyed a fairly fulfilling sex life, but there was still no denying the fact that I was attracted to men.

    Deciding on whether or not to "come out" is a personal one. Usually, the advice we give here is that you should come out when you think you'll feel better 'out' than you do 'in'. For me, I was miserable living with this secret. I was cheating on my wife and I wasn't being honest with even myself - and as a result hated myself. I simply couldn't keep doing what I was doing - despite the fact that I had what appeared to most people as a picture perfect life.

    And making that change was scary for sure. But I've come through it (with a lot of help and support) and made my life WAY BETTER than it had ever been before. That was 5 years ago, and I'm now remarried to a wonderful man. I'll be 41 this April. As my signature states, it's never too late to be what you might have been.

    So it will really depend on you - and how uncomfortable you feel in your current situation vs. how uncomfortable you think you'll be if you were to come out.

    At any rate - stick around here because lots of people have been through the same situation.
     
  5. monty

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    When I was talking with a therapist about a year ago and telling her about my fantasies are all gay when I masturbate (they were not always that way, only in the last few years as I am been going through this discovery process) I told her that I wanted to be gay. I said that when I masturbate and tell myself that I'm gay that I get so excited that I climax. If I tell myself that I'm bi or straight I get not reaction, but when I say I'm gay, my whole body tingles. What do you think about that?

    Tracker, how do I post on your wall?
     
  6. Tracker57

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    Monty:
    All you have to do is click on my name. You will be taken to my "page." There will be a white square where you will be able to write to me. I'm out of town for the day, but I can try to reply later tonight.
    Tracker.
     
  7. Deaf Not Blind

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    wow! i love it when saying a single word gets me to climax! but it is harder for me as i am sure i am in wrong gender body, and a sex change would likely let me enjoy more of that. lucky!

    i am more and more sure i am a transgendered bisexual, but i recall not long ago when i first started saying things while masterbating that were not straight, the 1st time i tried gay it thrilled me too. just the sound in my ears from my own voice saying it and feel of my mouth actually making that word i had avoided. exciting! i think it was a needed cap to release my inner true identity and longings. the word itself being taboo needed outed. but then i would clean up and say no i am straight. one day i realized though bisexual is not a slick word on my lips and so does not arrouse me, it fits, and so for me though i adore the gay word as it is cute and happy, bisexuality is not disputable as i am attracted to at least one of opposite sex madly. :slight_smile: don't know if i helped or made you more confused.