Numerous partners

Hi there. You've got a LOT to think about here. And you're not working with a very stable foundation of your own - with the baggage that you're carrying around about being gay.

(Just a small point - a lot of people don't appreciate being gay referred to as a 'lifestyle'. Including me. I'm gay. I live an honest and authentic life. It isn't a lifestyle - it's my life. I just happen to be gay.)

You are already dealing with a whole lot of preconceived notions about how horrible it is to engage in gay sex. That's not helping, and that's something that you'll need to come to terms with eventually. Talking about dating someone seriously or marrying them nad not having come out to your parents yet is quite a contradiction.

Is 39 sexual partners alot? Maybe. Starting at 17 that equates to 6 per year - one every other month.

In my case, I seriously lost count. But I was out of control and masking the guilt and shame I was feeling for being married to a woman and having sex with men by having sex with even more men. It was a pretty vicious cycle that left me feeling pretty worthless.

And now? I've been with the same guy for 4 years. We got married last summer in front of 50 of our closest friends and family. We're totally committed to each other and my sex life is only with him. People can change.

He lied to you. But he's being honest now - just 3 months in. So while you're upset, and would maybe benefit from a bit of a break in seeing him, it might be something that you'll be able to come to terms with and accept.

I would just warn you that if you're only 10 months into this (accepting your orientation) you're still likely learning about yourself, and flushing out some of the pent up emotions that you've been surpressing for years. That was certainly the case with me. When I got serious about dating someone, I fell really hard for the first guy I felt an emotional attachment to. He was totally wrong for me, and thankfully it only took me a few weeks to figure that out. Instead, a few months later, I met a guy that was perfect for me - and I would eventually make him my husband.

 

This is something you're pretty much going to have to figure out for yourself. Some people won't get into a relationship with someone who isn't a virgin, and other people won't care how many people that person had sex with previously. In short, the "limits" can range from zero to infinite. My partner guesstimated that he had had sex with thirty other guys previous to meeting me, and after hearing my number (two), I'm pretty sure he lowballed that. But that didn't bother me in the slightest. As far as I'm concerned, those thirty-plus people were practice for me, and I thank them greatly for it, because he was DAMN good by the time I showed up.

Lex

 

First off, I'll have to mention that there's nothing wrong being with who you love, no matter the gender or orientation. Secondly, I believe that the whole idea of "it's so wrong" to have a same-sex relationship is due to social stigma. Follow your own true feelings instead!

I'm probably more worried about STD/HIV at this point. I hope you guys had safe sex...if not, get tested. However, I'm not familiar with the process myself. Another thing to keep in mind is, IF you do continue this relationship, then I would highly suggest he get tested as well. Obviously there's some trust issues to clear up as well and hopefully, if you both get tested (and of course assuming he does not cheat during the period of waiting for the results) would allay some of your worries.

The next thing would be, I find it interesting that he knows exactly you're his 39th sexual partner...I am surprised he still keeps track as people whom have had so many partners (I would believe) to lose track after that many. Maybe there's some credit here...hm.

Good luck.
-Felix

 

the thing with sex numbers is that people lie. they tell you what you want to hear a lot of times if there are a lot of people involved. the truth is 39 may be a lie too. it could be very high and he is still lying. For instance, I met some guy and he said he had sex with 5 different people in one night. I know of other stories wehre peopel go on vacation adn have random sex 4 different people a day x (friday, sat, sun) and they do not even think twice about it. the point here is not to judge because everyone does their own thing.

but the main thing is how much is too much for you and what do you feel comfortable with?it sounds like the lying is bothering you. it also sounds like you went down a few pegs in your mind due to his previous background. you will either have to get over that or have to accept it or cut it off.

however, you may not find much differently out there. also, going to a club is basically like going to your online dating site. they're all the same people mostly on there that are in clubs too. people like to have sex and they will get as much as they can from whoever they can get it from.

in fact he may not want you to go to the party because his friends may make comments that would lead you to beieve this 39 number is actually higher than it is. they know his "past" im sure.

he said that's basically 5 a year. which would mean we're looking at 8 years. which would mean if he is 24 like you, he started at 16. also, if casual "relationships last for only 2-3 months, 5 a year is probably a pretty good ballpark. so he may not be lying again. but who knows.

whatever you do, testing is always advised and condoms.

 

This is the sticking point. Why don't you think it is ok?

People enjoy having sex, it's a natural thing and without knowing his exact background I wouldn't want to speculate. When I started dating my first boyfriend my number was 6. A month after we broke up I was at 12. People have sex for all sorts of reasons, be it depression, low self esteem or something completely innocent - they enjoy it.

 

there's an old saying...."you can't turn a hoe into a housewife". and i would imagine the same applies for men..."you can't turn a hoe into a househusband".

im not calling your love muffin a whore, but he even said himself when you asked if he would go on a dating site to hookup, and he said "i can't say if i would or i wouldn't." so that means to me that he sees nothing wrong with casually having this brains bonked out by random strangers.

is this really someone you want to be with? i think you have to ask yourself a couple of things. if you are going to keep holding him to his past, just end the relationship because you will never move from this. if you think he is no longer hooking up and you are both in a committed relationship, then forget the past and stay with him...but i think you said he models and he is big into gay life and is a pin-up boy for gay parties....mmmm ok. look the dude has ez access to sex and he is a sex pin-up and you met him off a hookup site and he said he may or may not go back to hooking up if you all broke up....ok, what do you think all signs are pointing too.

if someone no longer hooks up, they dont say, yea once we break up i may go back to screwing random people. he may be cute but to me he sounds like he is one drunken night away from cheating on you with some random person at the gay bar he proomotes for.

 

>>>so now that i learn that my guy has had a large amount of sexual partners, i view it as he is one of those girls that guys talk about and i dont like that. i also think that if i meet some of his friends that hes had encounters with in the past, that they'll think things of me like, little does he know, or 'nice! bagged himself a straight naive boy'.

And honestly, I think this is something to start getting over. Not just here but everywhere. Because people think things. All the time. And many of them aren't pleasant. But you know what? It doesn't matter. I know people think shit about me all the time - I dress crappy, what the hell is up with my hair, why do I always look sullen, and what's this guy doing with me? Guess what? Don't care. Busy living my kick-ass life, and not caring what the hell they think.

One day, after my partner and I had been together for a few years, my partner got a call from an old friend-with-benefits. They hadn't seen each other since we had moved in together, and had contacted each other only rarely. This FWB was quite drunk, and more or less yelled "I just want you to know how HAPPY I am that you and Lex found each other...you fucking SUCK!", and hung up.

I wish I were a better person, and could say my main thought was how sad this old FWB was, and how I could help. But honestly, my first thought was "Heh."

I think that was my second thought, too.

Lex

 

Yes - I used to agonize too over what people would or do think of me. It's based on an insecurity that I carry around - perhaps rooted in the fact that I've questioned myself my whole life about my orientation and how well I 'fit in' with others.

Perhaps you've got that going on too.

So maybe all this isn't so much about your boyfriend as it is about you and how you need to see yourself reflected off other people - rather than being able to see yourself for yourself. Your worth isn't based on what your parents think of you or what your boyfriend's friends think of you. It's based on what you think of you.

You need to make decisions based on what you want out of life - not what you think others want you to get out of life. But that's easier said than done. I'm likely still learning how to do that. But I'm better at it now. Seeing a counsellor certainly helped.

 

I can relate to where you're coming from. Your honesty and integrity are both rare and admirable. And I have the same views regarding casual hook ups. Truth be told, I've had gay sex exactly zero times. I also believe it's an invaluable part of a meaningful relationship.

With that said, I think you have to look at how many gay men sexually develop. When other young men hit puberty and become sexually charged, it's natural amd even expected of them to "sow their wild oats." This is not so for young gay men. We were forced to repress ourselves sexually out of fear, and did not develop sexually in a normal way. So fast forward to when we actually come out, and all of a sudden some of us feel a need to "catch up" with our heterosexual counterparts. At least that's my take, and I'm not condoning it, just trying to explain it.

As far as your boyfriend is concerned, I believe that people can change. We can't change our past but we can determine our future. The big question is if you believe your boyfriend, and if you do, what does that mean for your future together? In the end you have to do what's best for you, and you're the only one that knows that. Good luck!

 

Nice to hear. Does that mean you're more at peace with it all?

Lex