neverending guilt

So if you've read my previous posts, I came out to one of my friends (more like my only friend really) and it went super well! After writing a couple of letters to each other, we decided that we wanted to see each other so I'm gonna go visit her over spring break. I was super happy about it because it's been a long time since I had anyone that I could really talk to about things or even just spend time with. So I mention it to my parents since well I live at home. Instead of asking for details or being supportive or anything my mother goes off to say "Why are you going there? Who even wants you there?" in this really rude tone and my dad starts telling me to go get a job at walmart, despite the fact that I was working about a month ago and that he is ALWAYS telling me to not work at one of those stores or fast food places as they will not add to my resume and will prevent me from doing well in school (seriously, contradicting much?) And then he goes on to tell me that I shouldn't waste my money on something as stupid as visiting a friend. So I ask him "why does it upset you that I wanna visit my friend?" And then he says "Because it pisses me off that you don't have your priorities straight. You should be visiting you grandmother not some friends".

And maybe I'm just being sensitive but it really upset me, especially when my mom said who even wants you there because I feel so out of place and unwanted all the time. Ever since I've moved, I've been dealing with my sexuality as well as adjusting to a new place and don't really have any support except for the several times that I go to see my counselor. But now my sessions are running out and my counselor said that she's gonna try to get an extension with me since we still need a lot of work to do, but even that's not guaranteed.

I just hate how my parents are making me feel so guilty about not wanting to visit my grandmother instead. They always make me feel guilty about wanting things or even wanting to have any friends. Like it's some sort of crime to want to be closer to another person that isn't related to me. I just wish sometimes that I could tell them things and have them be happy for me or just be supportive instead of being so critical or discounting my feelings. They're the only people in my life now to talk to but when I do, they just make me feel like shit about myself. I really hate how my only two feelings ever seem to be guilt and loneliness.

Anyways, just felt like venting. Sorry for the long post Ecer's.

 

Thanks you guys. I was just really upset at how my parents are always critical about things I do despite the fact that I'm a pretty good kid who pretty much just does her homework and does what she's told. It's like I never win... Anyways, thanks again