Well I guess I won't be telling Mom anytime soon...

For a little bit, it felt like we were getting closer. She doesn't beat me for stuff anymore, I'm allowed to read again, and I was even allowed to be out of the house for a whole 20 hours straight to stay the night at my friend's house and go bowling the next morning. Doesn't break my previous record of 21, but it was close. She let me talk to her and even let me hug her without getting mad.

But of course I went all stupid and screwed everything up. I'm failing a class, have a C in another, and my AP stats grade is teetering on a B almost due to my being stupid and lazy like my father. She lectured me about it and demanded everything be fixed by tonight. If I don't, she'll pull me out of all my classes and put me in a special needs remedial class. I promised it would be fixed, handed over all electronics except this computer and went to my room.

I'm desperately trying not to start cutting myself again, because I don't want her to get mad at me like when she found out last time, and I've already been threatened once today. I'm lucky she was nice enough to spare me then. But I feel so stupid and horrible I want to.

Not only did I screw that up, but Mom isn't as accepting as I thought. Other than the fact that she gets furious whenever I'm not strong enough to be healthy and I'm awful to her with the back talking, she would kick me out onto the streets if she found out I'm dating a female behind her back. If I tell her myself, she'd just say I was a liar who just wants attention and tell her husband who would harass me about it.

I worked so hard trying to get her to love me again and I effed it all up. It took me months to get this far. I'm tired of this, but if I start feeling suicidal again, bad things will happen like last time and I don't know if I'll be able to handle it.

Sorry for whining, but I wanted to say it somewhere before I take it out on myself and ruin her life further...

:bang:

 

Don't you apologize, you deserve to whine...I don't know your mother or the situation other than what you have wrote about, but you seem so desperate to have a certain kind of relationship that she may very well be unable to have with you....I am sorry if this is rude/blunt and I am soo sorry you have to go through this, maybe a school counselor could help you out a bit?

 

Honestly I've given up on being less of an idiot so I don't think she could help.

 

I'm going to be blunt and quite possibly rude here...but your mom sounds like maybe someone you should only try to please to make your life easier, but I don't think affection would be coming from her, or at least the type you are looking for. Cutting does nothing but bleed and scar, believe me thats all you'll get out of it, I've been there too. You need to focus on making your life better, not on what you may be doing to ruin HER life further. And if she is physically beating you then maybe you should notify school and I'm sure they would help you out...

 

Heheh, I doubt I will be able to stand living here anymore. Honestly, she's done nothing but yell at me for doing exactly what she tells me, yell when I get upset my brother made me fail a quiz (in homeschooling online), yell at me for buying a chai latte with my own hard earned "fun money", and threaten my life if I kill her son. Oh yes, she's accused me of having murderous intentions and said she was uncomfortable with me around him. Of course that doesn't stop her from forcing me to play with him, change his diaper when he has stomach flu, give him medicine, make him a new costume every freaking day and cook for him meals he won't even eat! And what do I get in return? Sometimes I'm allowed to leave her house and have friends! But wait, I forgot. THEY FORGOT ABOUT ME. Well I might as well stay inside then.

I swear to God, these death threats are getting on my freaking last nerve! I'm not even her daughter anymore. She's been accusing me of plotting to kill her and my brother for 3 years now. I'm sick of her beating me up and calling me a bitch when she can use PMS as an excuse. I'm also sick of the fact that I feel the need to get really low grades JUST because changing them back to A's is the closest to a compliment I'll ever get. And even if I got a 4.3 average, like last years first semester, she'll effing ignore it because I DON'T MATTER. I don't want to hear that she loves me ever again. It's NOT TRUE. You don't beat someone you love into a concussion and leave them to heal it over a few unfinished chores!

I stay up here all damn day, locked in my stupid room doing NOTHING but school and she still screams at me that I'm a failure. I GET IT. I, Remy, am a failure. I'm also a murderous, stupid, lazy, disgusting, vengeful and impulsive brat who causes suffering where ever I go. Happy Mother? I hope you are! Thank you for being kind enough to make me feel like a worthless burden, and driving me into spiraling depression that leads to suicidal thoughts that you punish me for!

I seriously can't do this for another year. This isn't even me. I've let my self become a hateful monster. I can't even draw or write it out anymore. My free time has been dedicated to school, an occasional break on here... and that's it since she's taken the few things I like back away. And now my girlfriend's concerned again and I'm just so worried.

Godzilla I want a hug right now...

 

My gosh, I really can't believe I flipped out like that. Gramma is supportive, but she's having a rough time right now and she doesn't need my drama. My dad is an option, but his wife doesn't like me and (though he wouldn't care) I'm not out to him. My other grandparents are so far away and I can't leave my girlfriend. I'm scared I'll lose contact with her.

I'm really scared of my mom. What if I try to get away and no one believes me and I get sent back here and bad things happen?

 

I appreciate the thought and the soothing purple font but my dad's kind of... well, he couldn't afford me there. He struggles enough now. And he's a little... off... Like schizo affective disorder, hallucinating, mood swingy, prone to drinking off... And he only started communicating with me again like a week ago. I've not seen him in a year. Moving in with him is a bad idea.
:icon_sad:

 

....EMANCIPATE!

except your 17 so you only have one more year till you can get the hell out of there so maybe just wait it out

 

It's just so strange. This has only been going on for five years. Before we were so close and loved each other and I could tell her anything. Then she got married and I just wasn't there anymore. I still remember the last moment of togetherness we shared, because someone snapped a picture just as it was happening. I don't even have that photo anymore. Sometimes, when she's yelling, I wonder if any of those good memories ever even happened. Maybe I just imagined it all. Our trip to Yellowstone, watching The Crocodile Hunter on the ratty old couch, going to the Pride Parade every year, reading Harry Potter... is that all just something my mind made up to keep me going?

It's hard to believe that 12 years ago, we climbed a mountain up and down together. It's like her spirit just wasted away. I guess I just want my old mom back. I keep thinking if I stay a little longer, she'll turn back to the woman who raised me to love life...

She really has only seriously hit me about 5 times in the past year (as in 2011). The threats are what I can't handle. I never thought I would be in this kind of situation. As a child, I always thought abused kids should run away and their parents should be locked up. But now I know it's not at all like that. Maybe I'm just being childish.

I might... call my dad. Just to talk. He has a tendency to speak his mind right in her face when I discuss my mom, so I can't risk any of that. But I need someone. Even if it is my crazy old man.

 

Good timing. Just as I'm planning my premature death over an incident that just happened today, she tells me good job for getting a B- on a test. Because the A+ I usually pull aren't worth a Shi'ite. But still, I nearly fell down the stairs hearing her tell me something nice... and yet I still feel like a worthless piece of carp.

 

You all are too nice to me. I'm thinking of telling my therapist, sometime in the future. She made me do my silly Pinkie Swear since she's considered about the suicidal thing.

This may take awhile. I'm turning my back on my family, and in my family blood is very thick. Being a disgrace almost bothers me.

I will try, though, at least to stand up for myself...

 

I have not forgotten the wise words of Master Yoda. And yes it's stupid as hell lol, but I stick by them and wouldn't break one.

I'm trying to be patient with her, but she makes it very difficult. Every two seconds it's "Do this! Do that! Why haven't you done this? I told you to do that! Clean your brothers room! Why haven't you changed everyone's diaper? And stop failing your classes! I don't care if you study stats for hours trying to get it right, you need to do something like clean! PUT THE DAMN BOOK DOWN! And don't you DARE roll your eyes at me you little brat. I'll make you do MORE WORK. Oh wah, you want to kill yourself? BIG DEAL. Maybe another concussion will put you straight!" (most of this is not said aloud, just constantly and heavily hinted). I have never rolled my eyes at the woman! She makes it up as an excuse to scold me. I mean, she's not as bad as David Pelzer's mom or anything, but GAH!

Today, I started being a little more assertive. I let her throw her fits, and the next time she tries to attack me, in Godzilla's name I WILL defend myself. And I even got the courage to ask for 20 dollars. Mind you, I have NEVER asked my mother for money, and I had a good use for it: I seriously need new notebooks, folders, erasers and pencils. I explained this to her maturely and calmly, but naturally I was cut off with "Buy it yourself." Because why bother saving for college or a bike, the ONE thing I want most of all?