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went to an lgbtq center

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by dreamcatcher, Feb 14, 2012.

  1. dreamcatcher

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    Hello everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful Valentine's Day (or at least one that wasn't so terrible). So I recently found out there was an lgbtq resource center on my campus and feeling brave, I decided to pop in and see what it was about. It was the first time I ever tried to do anything related to my sexuality so I was extremely nervous to say the least. I walked in and asked the coordinator there if he could just give me some information on what they do and what sorta resources they provide. And he did, but then he asked me the one question I don't want anyone to ever ask me "So what do you identify with?". And I could feel the dread but I sucked it up and told him I was gay. And then he starts asking me about my out status and I could just feel the anxiety increasing and I'm thinking, why is he asking me all this?!! I just wanted some information. When I told him I wasn't out, I kinda felt like he thought I was strange for not being out at all. I don't know... he gave me a very confused look that made me feel... awkward.

    So continuing, there was actually this one other guy in there who is in the GSA at my college. He was telling me about the GSA, and how it's a great place to socialize, meet other people, and more importantly, find dates. So I'm thinking "oh oh, this is too much information overload" but then... he invites me to go this Valentine's Day party that the GSA is throwing, which was going to have about 100 people... so I asked him if I would be expected to tell people what I identify with and he gave me this very unsure "well, not really"... I told him I would go but then when I got home, I started panicking and freaking out about telling people that I'm gay... Especially since my cousin is most likely going to my school next year and there is this girl that goes to my college who is the daughter of one of my parent's best friends (who is also very anti-gay). So I kept thinking what if people find out? What if my parents find out?? (By the way, I live at home and commute)

    So basically I just want your feedback here. I do want to try to go a GSA event just so I can feel more comfortable with myself and maybe meet some people that I can relate to, but I'm super worried (about my parents finding out or that girl that I was talking about) and I feel like I'll be the only person who isn't out, at all.This is all so new to me and the GSA at my school is so huge and overwhelming. So what do I do? Should I forget about the GSA and just try getting involved with the gay community in two years when I move out? Or should I join anyway? Pros, cons, and decisions would be greatly appreciate.
     
  2. insidehappy

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    i think it was weird to ask you what you identify with. it seems like you were nervous, they could have asked something more like, "have you been here before, or what brings you by this afternoon?"

    sounds like you are nervous about the gsa event. basically, its up to you if you want to go. i dont know about waiting 2 years becasue in 2 years there will be some other reason why you push it off to come out to yourself.

    however, im not suggesting you should or shouldn't go.

    let's look at pros and cons:

    pros: you may meet some other gay friends that you identify with.
    you could see some people that you feel..."wow, im not alone'
    it could be fun
    if you see a gilr you think if cute, you can check her out without feeling like she is straight
    you can start to build a network of friends

    cons:
    everyone there will assume you are gay and will likely approach you as though you are gay and not "undecided".
    you could see some peopel there that eventually know people that you dont want to know you're gay and there's a chance they could unknowingly out you.
    if your'e not ready to go, you will be really nervous

    my suggestion is to go at your own pace. if u want to go, go., if not dont.

    it sounds like right now u want some exposure to the gay community without necessarily putting yourself in the position of "hi, my name is jane doe and i'm gay". you need a good transition experience. i think possibly can you volunteer within the gay community somewhere (aids walk, youth shelter, etc) doesn't mean you're gay, just means you support the community. then you can meet people from all walks of life which automatically throwing label on yourself.
     
  3. Ianthe

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    Well, first of all--good for you! You went in to check it out. It was hard, but you did it anyway. Good for you!

    I think you should possibly consider that your anxiety about the situation might be affecting the way you interpret other people's responses--in particular, you may feel like people are judging you, when they aren't, really. Pretty much all gay people were in the closet at some point, so we aren't likely to judge you for it.

    I guess the guy you were talking to might have been a little confused, because you readily identified as gay but then said you weren't out at all. If you didn't appear as nervous as you actually were, it might have seemed incongruous to him. (I know that I often think that I am very obviously nervous, when in fact it is not very apparent at all.)

    However, I really think the most likely scenario is that you are simply projecting your insecurity and fear of being judged onto him so that it seems like he is judging you.

    It's perfectly normal to freak out a little bit when you take a big step like that.

    The person you talked to was probably trying to assess what resources you should be directed to--you, as a very closeted lesbian, need very different kinds of support than, for example, a bisexual woman who has been out since she was twelve, or someone who has just started to question their gender identity. He can't tell which of those you are by looking at you, so he has to ask some questions in order to know how to help you.

    Does your LGBTQ resource center offer any support resources for people just coming out, or struggling with self-acceptance?
     
  4. sguyc

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    I am pretty nervous about getting involved lgbt events at my school for similar reasons. I just started coming out to people and am not really used to being "out". I don't know if I can readily have conversations with people about gay stuff without it just being awkward. And I would have a similar answer as the OP to whether or not I'm out. I identify as gay but am only out to some close friends.
     
  5. Greenly79

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    I would say to do what feels right, but if what you're feeling is fear, you can't let it hold you back. I started with volunteering at Pride, because I got some exposure to the community in a structured role that made me feel less awkward.. and am considering going to a coming out group at the community center this coming week.. but I'm so nervous about it I want to pull the covers over my head, so I understand where you're coming from.
    I get that same "look" from other gay people sometimes when they find out I have kids from my (extremely brief) marriage, as if I'm not REALLY gay. lol.
    The first step I ever took was joining the LGBT group when I was in college. And I don't know what it's like where you are, but where I went you didn't HAVE to be gay to show up to the events :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: So, just going to an event doesn't mean you're wearing a "gay" sign on your back, and if you don't like it you can always leave. But some people that are very open about their sexuality may just expect you to be open too because they've always lived in an accepting environment, have gay friends, and don't consider it a big deal. But I think the majority of people would understand.
    It's hard to put yourself out there and I totally applaud and support you for having gone in there to check it out!
     
  6. dreamcatcher

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    Thanks for the replies everyone!

    InsideHappy- Yeah you're definitely right about what I want. I really just want some exposure and maybe just to see where I fit in all this. And I'd like to have some people I can relate to. I have EC for that but at the same time, it would be nice to have that in person. I do also worry about putting it off until I graduate. Sometimes when I'm with my family and everything is good, I find myself thinking that I don't need to come out. I can just live like this or get married to a guy and nothing will ever have to change. So it's definitely tricky. And I think that's a good idea about volunteering so thanks.

    sguyc- Ahh I know. I worry about having conversations about gay stuff too. I feel so awkward just saying that I'm gay, I can't imagine actually talking about it out loud.

    Greenly- Yeah, what I'm feeling is fear but it's also paranoia. I am extremely paranoid about my family finding out I'm gay. Right now, I can just sail through my life without anyone ever noticing or being suspicious about me being gay so I don't have to worry about my parents finding out at all. But if I do join some gay events or organizations, I worry that the people in the organizations are gonna ask me what my orientation is and then if they see me in passing, that it will come up or something like that. I could lie and say that I'm straight but I would hate to lie to people who are supposed to be my allies. No one has ever asked me my orientation before since people just assume I'm straight and I don't bother correcting them.

    Ianthe- I think what you said makes a lot of sense. He probably just wanted to figure out how to help me which is why he asked me. It's just I've never said it out loud to anyone but my counselor so it made me edgy to do so. And I did sound more confident than I actually felt. Before walking in there, I mentally prepared myself so that I wouldn't cry if anyone asked me about my orientation and managed to make my face as brave as possible. All the activities he told me about seemed to be for people who are out. Some of them are groups were people discuss lgbt events and organize to do something about it. There are groups where they talk about politics and lgbt issues. They have a lot of transgender and gender identity groups there but that doesn't apply to me. I really just want to get a glimpse of what it's like to be out as lgbt,

    He did give me his email if I had any questions. Should I send him an email with more details about my situation?
     
  7. juniorx3

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  8. thevedman

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    This might be a good idea, it'll reassure you and even just writing down all the things that concern you can help you to think about them in a new way (I find that anyway). He also might have some other suggestions about things to do, or groups to join.

    Before I went to the LGBT group on campus, I went to this support group that was being run. I just didn't feel ready to walk into the LGBT group, because exactly like you, the thought of walking into a space where I could readily identified as gay scared the crap out of me! The support group was for people who were out, and some who were completely closeted so it was a great way to get used to the idea of being gay, without necessarily being thrust right into the deep end. It's made the biggest difference in my life; I've got gay friends now, and it's so great to be able to hang out with other gay people and just chat about stuff. Does your university have anything like that? Maybe you could go to that and then work up to going to the main LGBT group? Or you might be able to see if the LGBT society might set something like the support group up?

    Send me a message if you want to know anymore about the support group.

    Also well done for going!! I think it's awesome you went along to the centre, and I hope things go well :slight_smile:
     
  9. dreamcatcher

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    Thanks thevedman! There is a support group that I was going to go to but unfortunately, it conflicts with my schedule. I decided to take your advice and I sent him an email explaining my situation. I told him I can't go to the support group but hopefully he can give me some other resources. I'll let you guys know what he says once I get a response back.