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How to come out to religious mom and dad?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by gleekfanatic, Feb 15, 2012.

  1. gleekfanatic

    gleekfanatic Guest

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    I know my profile says out to all but family, but the only people in my fam that doesn't know are my mom and dad, and their brothers and sisters. I just want to know the best way to approach them with this subject. I'm now 21 years old, and I'm out to all my friends and all of my cousins. The problem is that my parents are both religious, and I've never heard themm say how they feel about gays in general. Any advice?
     
  2. Greenly79

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    I don't know if this might help any, but you could first broach the subject in a general way.. there are a lot of news stories about gay marriage and things like that that you could use to feel them out a bit before you figure out how to tell them. Even if their reaction to the subject isn't exactly positive, you might get a better idea about how to approach them in the future. Have your cousins been supportive? Maybe they have an idea of how your parents/their parents might react..
     
  3. Christiaan

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    That's a good question. I would try doing some research on the attitudes observed by their church if you can. Being religious doesn't necessarily mean they will think less of you over homosexuality, but it would help matters if you knew more about what you are dealing with.

    I've never really been in that situation, though, so there's relatively little I can do as far as advising you on it. If you were to get hit with scriptural arguments, I wouldn't rise to the argument. They have more knowledge on that score than you do, whether they are interpreting it wisely or not. You wouldn't be able to win on perfectly intellectual grounds. It would leave you frustrated, and you would end up saying angry words that you shouldn't.

    Be candid. Disclose your feelings. Be honest. Show them the pure human being underneath all of your defenses and barriers. In the end, you are their son, and that's all that matters to any sane human being, in the long run.
     
    #3 Christiaan, Feb 15, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2012
  4. JohnnyBoy

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    ....I have very Catholic parents and they both have spoken out about things like gay marriage, etc, and I just straight up told them. It took me a while to gather the courage but I'm so glad I did. My dad took it way better than my mom. He said as a straight man he could never truly understand how I feel the way I do about men but I get that, because I don't understand truly what it's like to be straight. I'm not sure their views have totally changed as Im trying to show them that I'm a perfect example of how stereotypes arent true 100% of the time....and they still accept and love me.
     
  5. Fiddledeedee

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    When I came out to my religious mother, I spent weeks first sending out "feelers"; that is, I would bring up homosexuality, gay marriage, etc. and ask her opinion. I do this on a lot of things, so she didn't consider it unusual. By the time I had gotten up the courage to tell her about my sexuality, I had a good idea of what she thought of gays and such.

    During the Coversation, I asked her straight up what she felt as a Christian, and I think that helped; I didn't have to infer anything, and we were both being open. We also both knew that then was not the time for a debate on morality and all, just a stating of beliefs and some reasons.

    I can't know what coming out would have been like if Mum wasn't religious, but I don't think it made too much of a difference. It made it more scary for me, but she didn't react overly badly. I guess I'd say to be honest and not confrontational and always communicate.

    Of course, I am merely two-thirds of your age, so my situation is different. And my mother is not your parents – everyone has different views.
     
  6. gleekfanatic

    gleekfanatic Guest

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    Thank you guys for responding. Um, it's still going to be a bit of a problem because I haven't talked to my mom in years (she basically disappeared, and no one knew what happened, until she pops up out of nowhere, saying she's married now); at least not since I was 2 1/2 years old, when I was put into foster care for a year before my dad got custody of me. As for said dad, we don't really know each other really well, despite him having to raise me basically for my whole life. Okay, here is what I know: One of our biggest problems is communication and honesty, but not on my end (at least not the honesty part). My family on my dad's side tends to keep secrets from one another instead of telling all immediate fam members, so being completely honest with each other has always been a problem. I used to have that problem, but it took awhile to overcome that. Another thing that I know is that my dad wants me to "carry on the (Left out last name here; against forum rules) name" nto the tradition. So I know he wants me to have kids, but who says gay men can't have children of their own? There are some options, like adoption, or fostering, or surrogate parenting, right? I remember he once said that he knows that gay men can't have kids, that GOD made woman for man, and that is how it should be, and he said that he wants me to be a "man", and he doesn't want me to "put an end to the (again, I' leaving my last name here) line, just beause you like men...that alone told me that he already knew, but doesn't want to accept it? How do I get my dad to accept that I'm into men and not women? How do I get him to accept me for who I am, not what I like or what I can or could do for this family?
     
  7. Ianthe

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    Yes, he's wrong, gay men can and do have kids, by various means including those you mentioned.

    And you are a man, or you will be. Unless you say otherwise, of course.

    Have some general conversations with them about gay people--that's the best way to find out what they think.

    If there is any possibility that you could be harmed, or sent to ex-gay therapy, or kicked out of your house, you might need to wait until you can support yourself before coming out.

    The best way to change people's minds about gay people is to be openly gay and noticeably a decent fellow. But don't do it unless and until you are safe doing it.
     
  8. gleekfanatic

    gleekfanatic Guest

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    I'm not living with them anymore, I haven't since they kicked me out when I was 18. I'm living with a friend, and I'm soon going to my mom's for awhile, before I go to Tennessee to live with my best friend. No the problem is beingg able to call them without any awkwardness regarding my sexuality.