Hi everyone, late in life to come out, but I guess not to start liking oneself. I was really bullied in school, and now I'm 32, I'm still living the aftermath of those horrendous years, that marked me and haven't let me live. I'm going to therapy, and I came out a year ago to my friends and closest relatives (a pair of my cousins) but not the rest of my family. I turned all the frustration and angrier and studied and worked a lot... But it was kind of a refuge place to hide from my own fears and self loathing. I now accept who I am, and I like being gay, and hanging with gay people, somehow I have this patent rage inside me that has turned me into a very volatile person, and criticizing a lot, my friends say that I act very self centered, and I'm not like that. I sound like an awful person, but I like to be with people, and cook, I'm a very mellow man, and I like a lot to listen to everyone else... This happened to people around here? Anyone would like to share? I would really like some advice on stopping this self beating, and start loving and embracing who I am, to finally meet someone that loves me back... Thank you people
Hey. Welcome to the forum Its good that you're here, its good that you've come out to people and its good that you're getting therapy. It seems, to me, that you're making progress. Well done and congratulations We have had many members on this forum who have come out later in life... some who are as old as 60. People, who attend Empty Closets, have a variety of different issues that they are dealing with and so you'll always find someone who can, in some way, relate to. I'm sure you'll fit right in on this forum
Hey I agree I was 26 when I came out and I have seen lots of people on here even older. I think you are doing the right thing by going to therapy. It must be really difficult but I am sure you will work through it.
Hi, welcome to Empty Closets! I'm the same age as you, and I've only been out even to myself for a couple years or so. It's good that you're going to therapy to deal with your anger. It's natural to have some anger when you've been abused like you have, but it is mostly yourself that is made unhappy by it. Aside from continuing therapy, I don't have any more advice about that. Just make sure that you are addressing the anger issues with your therapist.
I have been told that sometimes I can be a jerk and I make mean comments. Yet I always love to give advice and help people with their struggles. I have found that when I feel a very specific way is when i make my "comments", so when I am in this mood I usually just keep quiet unless I am sure about what i am going to say. Don't worry I think we all say stuff we don't mean, we just need to figure out how to correct it.
Hi, and welcome to EC. You're far from alone, and there are a lot of people around your age here. The first piece of advice I'm going to offer is to not be too hard on yourself, because all that you're experiencing is a part of the process of going through therapy and working through the experiences of your childhood. It will pass. And your friends that are real friends should understand that it's just a period you need to get through as you work to better understand yourself. When the anger starts to come up -- which happens pretty often at a certain stage of therapy -- it can feel overwhelming, like it will overtake you and one day you'll just snap. But in practice, a good therapist will help you through it in a safe way, and the very fact you're writing about it means you have strong ego defenses that will keep it from getting out of control. So one of the best gifts you can give yourself is the opportunity to let yourself feel it in safe ways. Punching bags can be really good. Going out in a remote area and yelling at the top of your lungs. Writing letters to the bullies from your childhood (which you never mail). Lifting weights and making loud noises while doing so. Lots of other things. And you'll find that underneath the anger is some really deep grief. I wouldn't be surprised if maybe the anger is a protection against the vulnerability. So don't be afraid of that either. Let that come up too and you'll find it to be very cleansing and healing. And of course... talking about what's going on here can be really helpful as well. I also like to recommend watching (and reading) the brilliant work of Brene Brown, a researcher and therapist who has spent her life studying shame and vulnerability and the things that stand in the way of what she describes as "wholehearted" living: [YOUTUBE]X4Qm9cGRub0[/YOUTUBE][YOUTUBE]_UoMXF73j0c[/YOUTUBE] If you find those videos helpful, I also recommend her excellent book "The Gifts of Imperfection" And... breathe.
so nice of you people to answer back... yes, anger is overwhelming sometimes, and specially in seasons, i don't know why... i liked a LOT the videos, and I'm look for the book!!!! GREAT!!!
I was bullied in school as well and a lot of boys and girls called me "gay" when I didnt even know what it meant, but I knew it wasnt a "good" thing. So I hated gay people when I left high school and went to University. I knew I was different and didnt wanted to admit to it. For two years in university I was so in love with my best friend and I hated him because I blamed him for turning me gay (he is straight btw, so really it was me trying to find a excuse) He cornered me one day and told me to fuss up because I had been avoiding him and that was the most defining moment of my life - I came out to him and cried~ He told me to educated myself and explore and gradually I became more aware of who I am and stop hating.
I'm 34 and only accepted being gay December of last year. Since then, I've gone to several gay mixers put on by my college and local LGBT center. Before that, while never physical, I did beat myself up a lot mentally. Outwardly I was outgoing. Internally I was a mess. This led to years of being inert in the relationship department. Just me and my circle of friends (none of whom I'm out to). Since the acceptance in December, my self confidence has sky rocketed. I'm taking better care of myself and I feel better looking into the mirror. Has it been the same way for you? Is accepting being gay propelled you towards living a better lifestyle, or is there too much anger to work through? Whatever it is, I wish you the best. We all deserve to live happy and fulfilling lives, regardless of our orientation or 'out' status. I'm looking forward to making new friends and maybe a boyfriend. It's nice to finally acknowledge that.
Welcome! We have a lot in common. While I wouldn't say I was bullied - knew I never fit in. I was a fat kid ( and much of my adult life- a fat adult). While I was a great friend if you knew me - I was a nasty SOB for no real reason- I suppose other than my self hatred and to get back at those who mocked my fatness! I threw myself into school and work and became pretty successful. But I was still fat, and lonely and unhappy. And worse - when I did make a mistake about something - I would beat myself up about it for days - sometimes weeks. I did not come out until my late 30's. I had lost a bunch of weight, was finally at a place were I liked myself - all of me - including the gay part!!! These days I am much happier then at any point in my life. To be honest - I do still struggle with self compassion and just started reading a great book on the topic - which is making a lot of sense to me. I never know what we can/can post on here so if you are interested in the book - write on my wall. Live in the now - let the past go!
Thanks a lot, the self beating is mental, yes, and it can go on for weeks, the rage is flowing in waves, there are days that are better and some that are wrong.. Sooo I think patience and work towards more self appreciation... is soooo nice to read similar situations really!!!! ---------- Post added 17th Feb 2012 at 03:54 PM ---------- I think that I have been outing myself more for the others appreciation in order to accept myself, I read to all of your messages, and I would love to know... What was the moment you all realized it all was fine? How do you wake up everyday and tell yourself you are totally worth it... Instead of tidbits of oneself?
For me, I didn't want to be married with kids and come out after the fact (as seen in the news media with select politicians, etc.). I told myself it was time to break the rules I imposed on myself (look, but never touch and always make sure no one knows under any circumstance). Once I took that initial step to talk about it, things just took off. I am actually happy and excited about accepting myself as gay. It's not something I dread and fear anymore. The boost in self esteem and confidence has been amazing.
