Friendship after Dating - Is it possible? I am currently doing that with the person I dated before. We don't exactly see each other all that often, but every time I do I go home thinking "Do I still like him?" or I ask myself "Why are we friends?". I would then go off on a tangent asking myself WAY too many unnecessary questions :bang: Whats wrong with me? Is been 6 months (since we stopped dating) and I am so happy to be his friend, but this ambiguous "don't know" if I like him or not drives me insane sometimes. I ask myself am I his friend because... 1.) Sex - I only want to use him in that way? (we did it after we stopped dating, and it got weird so we stopped) 2.) Emotion - I still like him? 3.) I care for the sake of caring? Is clear is not platonic, since I am on here telling everyone....oh no lol (I should turn off Selena Gomez "Love You Like A Love Song"....)
It seems to me like there are two questions you're asking here: Is dating after friendship theoretically possible?, and Should I be friends with this particular person who is causing me some emotional confusion? The short answer to the first question is yes. I, and many others I know, have had successful friendships with people after dating them. It's not for everyone, and some people are dead set against the idea, but given the right circumstances it can work. As for the second question, I guess it depends whether the frustration you're experiencing around your confusing emotions outweighs whatever positives you get out of the friendship. From the sound of things, and given that it doesn't sound like you're particularly close friends, it might be a good idea to take a break from the friendship for a while until you sort your feelings out. Then you can either let go of the feelings and continue being friends, or let him know that you still have feelings for him and see how that goes.
Hi there! I agree with Chandra. Friendships after dating can work but it depends on the individual as to how they best deal with breaking-up or finding out that nothing more will develop beyond dates. You have a couple of options as to how you can deal with being friends with him, and with your feelings for him. That said, if you do want to be friends with him, maybe you do need to create sufficient emotional distance from him, for you to be able to be a friend to him. If you still like him and fantasize about being with him maybe it's time to talk with him, and as Chandra mentioned, letting him know that you still have feelings for him, or alternatively asking him to give you space and time to move on, before continuing the friendship. Caring for others, is totally fine. But the question you have to ask yourself is: "how much do I care about him?"
Hi Mirko and Chandra, Thanks for your insightful comments! The way I care about him haven't changed, except the fact that I dont sleep with him nor do I have romantic feelings for him. I think is the "residue" feelings that still lingers. It comes and goes, I am sure is an universal feeling(?) "How much do I care about him?" Answer to that question - I care enough to invite him to meet other gay friends of mine (he told me he's unsatisfied about his relationship life and I guess being a good person I took it upon myself and open up my friendship circle to him) and maybe he will find a suitable partner there(?). - I care enough to be his friend if he ever wants me to be there for him (never happened yet, is always me reaching out) I am the dumpee and hes the dumper it makes sense that I am "all over him" in caring about him. That said, I have my reasons to not want to be with him as well (relationship wise) and I guess being a 22 year old with an unfortunate high standard on "rules" and "principles" (things that I was taught to believe) I am at times struggling in keeping my physical hunger in place with him. I keep telling myself I care too much about him to turn him into "friends with benefits". So I guess the root of the problem is my sexual energy that is conjuring up these feelings(?) Is it really that simple though? Get laid then, done. Hmm...
I'm very good friends now with my ex, whom I dated for 8 years, so I would say yes, it's possible. However...there are a lot of issues you run into along the way, as you've noticed, and I heard from my counselor at one point that in her whole career she only knew five long-term, cohabiting (I think) couples that split up and managed to stay friends. I think a lot of it has to do with why you got into the relationship in the first place and how the two of you were affected by the relationship. In general, the more positive the experience as a whole (including its ending) was for both of you, the more likely friendship will happen afterwards. I think what happens immediately AFTER the breakup has a lot to do with whether or not you become friends, too. Even some fairly rough events during the actual breakup can be forgiven after a while - you both know what it was like, and how tense it was, after all. But if one person stays mean and vindictive for too long afterwards, the other person will remember that. The other thing is, once you've broken up and decided to remain friends, it's inevitable that part of you will continue to invest in the other person emotionally, and vice versa. Until someone else comes along, your ex is the safest place to demonstrate that affection that you're used to expressing. It doesn't mean you're using them, it just means it's what both of you are used to. It can become confusing, but as long as you keep track of the real nature of the situation, it shouldn't back up on you too badly.
Hi Gravity, Thanks for sharing your experience. Giving you some more details: We met through volunteering and he was older than me by 15 years, so I didn't think much about it due to the age gap. That said, he was quite persistent and made it very obvious he was interested in me. We talked and I told him that no matter what happens I want to stay friends with him because he is a great guy relationship or not. So we dated for about a month or so and slowly I become the one that liked him more (I guess) and that's when he stopped dating me. The week we "broke up" was also the week of my birthday. I thought it be mature to "face the music" and see him 48 hours after the break up (we made plans to do so). And things were great, I got to say all the things I wanted and so did he. I learned now that was a really bad move. I forced myself to be his friend too quickly and we hanged out on a weekly basis for 2 months. And the day he told me he started "online dating" was also the day I drank 4 shots of "insert very strong alcohol" and I wasn't myself. I realized that very quickly and called him and told him I was happy for him and I didn't want him to think I was not open in being his friend. Just typing all this and thinking about it I realized I am extremely good to him. He probably doesn't deserve my friendship haha Although there are moments I want to grab him and just let my temptation take over, I know I work too hard to screw up for a few minutes of "pleasure". And living with that feeling and thinking in black and white is...challenging~
I think you need to focus on the thing you typed in the last paragraph. Friendship and relationships are both two way streets. I think that the added emotions just bring about an inner power struggle between whatever you desire and how much you value yourself. Be free to give in to your temptations, but at the same time recognize it for what it is and expect no more gratification than what a prudent and reasonable person would return under the circumstances.
