Simple but still so frustrating

Hey. I guess I could appreciate some support right now.

In all honesty, I'm not exactly sure what to call myself at the moment. To just about everyone, I'm still straight, to my few good friends I'm bisexual, to myself ... I'm not sure. For all I know, I'm subconsciously just using the term "bisexual" as a crutch since I'm not able to fully accept myself as a lesbian yet. And notably, too young to do so. Still, while I find some guys somewhat physically attractive, with girls I tend to show more affection and "attention" to. And in this case, a specific one.

I'm well aware about how adolescence tends to make you go crazy. Even with the occasional thought about another student or two, I thought the whole "boy crazy" phase that all girls apparently go through was just plain silly. But then of course, she happened.

It's not all that complicated to follow. We were friends for about a year or two, had some common interest, talked to each other regularly, but we definitely weren't best friends. Just a normal friendship. One day though, during some theatre rehearsal, we were just messing around with our part and then suddenly she started coming on to me in a way that I was shocked by, but still didn't seem to mind. She was obviously just joking around, I know that, but something in my head just clicked together. Like some "on" switch got pressed. After that, whatever she did, whatever state of mood she was in, I thought she still looked beautiful. I found myself enjoying her company a lot more and loved making her laughing. Every opinion or argument she brought up became all the more intriguing. I began looking for every little opportunity to be as generous and chivalrous to her as possible. Every hair I brushed away from her face, every arm I placed over her shoulders, I wished would linger just for a little bit longer. And she just seemed so kind, and helpful, and intelligent, I didn't feel like I deserved any of it. It's stupid, its silly, it's probably just my hormones loosing it, but I couldn't ignore the fact that I really liked her.*

To add to corniness of it all, this is probably the first time I've ever felt so strongly for anyone. The fact that it was for another girl just solidified some things and yet at the same time, made them all the more confusing. First and foremost, while cool with quite a few people from the LGBT community, she herself is straight as a nail. So that completely shatters any chance of me ever even trying to ask her out without coming off as extremely awkward and destroying our friendship. It just adds to the growing sense of jealously I feel whenever I see her with someone she's probably dating while she has no clue that I've been beating myself over the head for her. And now all I'm left with is a stupid little fantasy and dull ache in my gut. The fact that we're still friends makes it harder to get over it.*

So I'm here now, still wrangling with my more and more confusing sexual identity, oppressing my feelings for a lost case- and hell, while I'm at it, trying to figure out what I would actually even do if a nice lesbian/bisexual girl stood before me right now and told me she was interested as opposed to just freaking out.*

It's trivial, it's cliche, but it's still just damn frustrating.