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Do the thoughts ever stop??

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Fisnou, Feb 17, 2012.

  1. Fisnou

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    You know the thoughts I'm talking about right? The ever-ending ones that go nowhere?

    For the past few months, all I think about is this stuff (am I gay, bi? What if I am? What if I wasn't? etc, etc...). I hardly think about anything else anymore.:confused:
    Every morning, it's the first thing I think about. Every night it takes me ages to get to sleep because of all these thoughts. I even wake up several times during the night, almost every night, and sure enough, the thoughts come back. It's driving me insane:bang:

    When I'm out I keep on feeling like I have a big sign on my forehead saying "LESBIAN" even though I probably don't particularly look like one from a stranger's point of view. I feel nervous when I'm around girls I find attractive. I feel like an immature teenage boy who's just discovered the opposite sex and I'm bloody 26! 0_0

    My question is: will this ever stop? will the thoughts stop pestering me or will it be like that forever? :icon_sad: How can I make them stop, or at least, not let them bother me so much? And this constant self-awareness of being queer/gay, does that ever go away?
     
  2. sanguine

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    they do when you accept them, then they become one of those wtf i cant believe i use to be like that kind of thoughts, you learn quicker that you are more confident when you are able to say that yes i am a bisexual or a lesbian or straight, then not give a dam afterwards

    i know i stopped fearing i might do something gay or stupid or embarressing right after i accepted for a fact i was gay, the thoughts stop also, well the bad thoughts atleast
     
  3. JRNagoya

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    I've started doing some reading on the topic and one book I came across was particularly interesting. The author, based on his own experience and multiple interviews with only people dealing with the issue, wrote that, in time, the thoughts and worries subside as you become fully immersed in your gay identity. During the progression, the thoughts fade away into the background. Your mind and body have finally accepted being gay and has 'moved on.' Someone who is straight typically doesn't spend every waking moment questioning or hiding from their straight identity. The same thing is possible for those who are gay. It just takes time, but it would be nice to finally go through the day without those worries and anxieties and go from overthinking "I'm gay" to just being human.
     
  4. Ianthe

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    As others have said, when you have accepted your identity you will stop spinning on the merry-go-round. Stuff related to your sexuality will still be around all the time, because your sexuality is an integrated, core part of your personality, but it will no longer be something that spurs confusion or seems obtrusive. Like, you'll notice that a girl is cute, and that will just be the end of it--it won't set off an obsessive chain of thoughts questioning your identity, because you will already know what it is.

    Right now, you are still at least partly in denial about your sexuality. So when you see the cute girl, or whatever, it sets off a circular chain of thoughts where your mind is unwilling to accept the clear evidence--but then the evidence is still there.

    Incidentally, my observation has often been that, while people are in denial, whichever identity seems worse to them, or is harder to accept, is probably the one that's true. So, if you think it would be worse to be gay, you are probably gay, but if you think it's worse to be bisexual, you are probably bisexual. If often have the thought, "Maybe I'm just bisexual," for example, you are probably gay.

    It's just something funny about the way that denial works--anything but the truth is easier to accept. In some cases, your mind will resort to believing something that is objectively worse, even, to avoid facing the truth.
     
  5. Fisnou

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    Thanks for your comments, guys :icon_bigg

    So it comes down to acceptance, doesn't it? *sigh* And before I can accept who I am, I gotta know who I am, duh! So back to square 1 :eusa_doh:

    Ianthe - you're right. The identity that seems worse is probably the right one. To me, being gay seems worse as you basically "give up" your straight identity and walk into the unknown, whereas being bisexual, you can still be straight to a certain extent and keep one foot in the "straight" world, the world that's familiar to you!

    I have been identifying as gay more and more but then I think of my previous experiences I've had with men. I've had 3 serious relationships. I was madly in love with my last boyfriend. The feelings weren't reciprocated so it left me heartbroken (yet we stayed more than 1 year together trying to make it work :confused:) Could it be that I don't want to be with guys anymore because of this bad experience (and other accumulated beliefs), like I've given up on them? I've always been attracted to girls too so at least I know I'm bi.

    At present I'm thinking I'm more gay than bi because apart from very few exceptions (feminine guys), I don't find guys attractive and I have no interest in trying to attract them. I simply don't bother. But I wonder if it's possible to become more and more gay because of circumstances and personal beliefs... does this make any sense? (sorry about the rant)
     
  6. Mackenzie

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    I've been having very similar thoughts lately as well, I was happy to see this post. I don't feel so alone!

    I know that I am gay, I've accepted that and even embraced it. What I'm struggling with now is the awkward "teenage boy" phase you earlier described. I can walk up to any man in a room and flirt effortlessly, but a woman? Where do I begin!? I feel that my gaydar may be shot and I'm simply too afraid of scaring off some poor straight girl if I make any kind of advance. So I'm a wallflower.

    It's lonely and discouraging but it only can get better from here, right?
     
  7. Fisnou

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    I'm glad I'm not the only one! My problem is that I can't even flirt! :icon_redf
    I've never wanted to flirt with guys - or at least I've never consciously tried to - which means I have no experience whatsoever! :icon_sad: I usually do the opposite, that is, I try to hide the fact that I'm interested in the person, which obviously never gets me anywhere!
    I think we both need help here :lol:
     
  8. Jessica816

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    I completely understand where your coming from. I feel like I've worked so hard to define myself that when I accepted that I was attracted to women, it felt amazing! Now almost 2 years later I feel like I'm back to where I started. I'm attracted to men still, no sexual attraction but I sure do enjoy flirting with them when the time suits me (that's wrong I know). So trust me your not alone with these questions..
     
  9. secretguyX

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    I'm so glad I saw this thread, I've been wondering if these thoughts will ever stop too! So thank you :slight_smile:
     
  10. Peregrine

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    I think this is true to an extent, I'm learning it myself as I struggle with identity issues. But I also know from a history of OCD that just because a thought is unwelcome or scary doesn't mean you should assume it's the absolute truth. During times of panic, I've been terrified that everything I've ever done or said has been a performance, that I have no core identity, and would never be a complete person. There's a kernel of truth to the first part of that, but in a state of high anxiety, the intensity of the thought was cranked up to 11 and played on repeat for weeks. I couldn't separate the true part from the associated fears of failure and being broken, it was all mixed up together.

    We most need clarity and peace of mind during periods of questioning, and unfortunately, that's when we seem to be least equipped to interpret the signals and feelings our brains send our way. Some part of what we deny about ourselves is usually true, but fears come with a lot of baggage and assumptions and it takes time to sort out what's real and what's not (and to what degree). At least, that's what I'm finding. :confused:

    Also, Fisnou: It's possible to be bisexual and have a preference for one gender over the other. A lot of people who are questioning (myself included) find comfort in the idea that for many, sexuality is a spectrum, not a binary value, and sometimes where we fall on the spectrum is more of a fuzzy area than a single point. But it's hard to accept what you don't yet understand, I totally identify with that.
     
  11. gleek

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    I too have this problem, especially in the middle of the night. Something that has definitely helped me is roaming around this site and reading about other people my age who are going through the same thing I am. I still question myself, but it's a totally different feeling now knowing that i'm not alone and not crazy.
     
  12. yourillusion

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    Same here... Felt like I obsessed over questioning for so long... Now I've finally admitted that I am... Now the thought obsession is that I am... and what does that mean... What will change... That sort of thing. I just want to live and not be constantly trying to figure out every last detail. I think it is overwhelming.
     
  13. em11

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    I can relate so much to these posts!! I am sort of just now admitting to myself that I'm not straight, and it feels like such a relief to be flipping through a magazine and notice the GIRLS that I think are hot, not the guys (and admit this to myself). It's a struggle trying to figure out my identity because I really thought I was straight until a few months ago. As I think more and more about it though I am realizing that I really don't have a sexual attraction towards men. Reading threads like this really helps me to know that there are other people out there going through this same thing!
     
  14. kylegf2011

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    same thing is happening to me, I cant stop thinking about it, everywhere I turn I see cute guys.... literally everywhere, I dont mind seeing cute guys, I wonder if I might be bi all the time, which takes time away from studying and stuff :S I hope they do stop
     
  15. Fisnou

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    Em11 - Welcome to EC! (!)
    I'm glad other people can relate. Just knowing that other people out there are going through the same shit is comforting in a way, even though I don't wish this to anybody!

    yourillusion - I think I'm slowly reaching the stage you're talking about. It's still a long road ahead of us, hopping from one obsession to the next, but we'll hopefully get there one day!
     
  16. LailaForbidden

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    I feel/have felt the same thing. It actually caused some panic attacks... but its gotten better. i still question like mad on occassion, but it has improved a bit. i hope the same to you!
     
  17. Fisnou

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    Ha ha, same with me, I see cute gay-looking girls everywhere and every time, I get nervous and can barely look at them, even though I want to :bang:
     
  18. Chimera

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    I can totally relate to the teenage boy phase right now! This is especially awkward since I have zero dating experience, all of my friends are getting married, and yet I am 26 and just now noticing… girls!? Shouldn't I have hit puberty 15 years ago!? Similarly, I can't stop obsessing over my orientation, but it does help to know you are not alone with these thoughts. *Hugs* At first I fought it hard, but I found that allowing myself to privately explore these feelings helps me sleep at night. Watch queer films and documentaries, check people out, lurk on emptyclosets, etc. Looks like you're open to someone. Are you close enough to let them know your thoughts? Hearing yourself talk out loud to a sympathetic listener can do wonders. The thoughts will calm down in time, or at least shift to something new :slight_smile:

    Right now I feel like I have a big sign on my forehead that says, "Under Construction" LOL!
     
  19. Curly

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    That is exactly it! I am being more and more out each day and I am going through the emotional puberty as well. I find it so weird to have these feelings for girls that I have never felt before for guys the way I was supposed to. I never had interest in dating before and now I have no idea how to. I feel so nervous, especially around girls who I know are gay. The comfort I take from the experience later is that at least this time I don't have to deal with hormones and high school and teenage drama.
     
  20. Greg92

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    I kept myself up night after night trying to figure myself out a few years ago, the thoughts repeat themselves night after night, the same questions with a million different ways to look at them....I still sometimes get caught up in it, but ever since fully accepting my incredibly diverse sexuality I just allow myself to go with it without ever trying to dissect it as much at night and whenever I can...I'm sure it gets better the more in tune with yourself you become as the need to analyze yourself becomes less necessary