Hello everyone. I really need some help. I'm not entirely sure where to start here so please bare with me if I seem like I'm rambling. For starters, I am really confused when it comes to my sexual orientation. Let me give you a little history first. I'm 22 years old and have never had sex. To be completely honest, I've never even had a girl friend. The reason that is the case is mostly my fault. I have Schizophrenia which makes it really hard for me to have a normal life. Besides my Dr. appointments I almost never get out of the house so I guess you can say the reason I've never been on a date is self inflicted. Anyways, that explains that but that doesn't explain the reason why I'm so confused. Like any guy, I've seen my fair share of porn. Ever since I was about 14 to be exact. This is where things get complicated. When I was younger I was really into the girls but as I got older I lost interest in them and found myself being turned on by the guys. In fact, I stopped fantasying about having sex with women and started thinking about doing it with men. Now if this was the only case I would just assume that I was gay but it isn't so black and white. The thing is is that I still find women to be beautiful even though I don't want a sexual relationship with them. Again though, it isn't that simple. I might not want to have sex with them but I still want a relationship with them. I grew up in a very religious household (Jehovah's Witness) but I have since left and am no longer one but I had been conditioned my whole life to think a certain way and I am finding it hard to think otherwise. So I don't know if I'm just going through a weird phase or if I'm Bi or Gay or if this is part of my schizophrenia. I really need some input. Thanks a million for your help
you've deffinately come to the right place. I was in ur position not too long ago. I started off with watching girl on girl porn then it slowly devloped into guy on guy. This was my first sign of being gay. my second sign was that i began noticing my male friends a lot more and began to fantasize about them. Then i began noticing just any hot looking guys i met. I am gay not just because of those reasons, but because it feels right and i can smile when i look at myself in the mirror. I have also never had sex, nor a long tsrm relationship. I certainly notice an attractive woman when i see one, but i just dont feel the same as wen i see a hot looking guy. As far as ur religious upbringing, i never had that but society certainly puts the concept of 'boy meets girl' into our heads from a very early age. It certainly took me time to come to terms with the decision, but i am not out to anyone just yet. Hope my story helpw a lil.
First of all, I wouldn't describe problems with your social life as "self-inflicted" and "your fault" - you're being treated for your schizophrenia, and while it's certainly a difficult place to be, you're dealing with an extra load that many people are not. It's just part of who you are right now, it's nobody's fault. (*hug*) And also, I don't think you need to worry about schizophrenia causing a sexual orientation shift - I'm not exactly a professional, but I've never heard anything to suggest that this could happen. Secondly, as far as orientation issues, it does seem like you're developing an attraction towards other men, which could mean a variety of things - bisexual, pansexual, gay, and so forth. Some people even split orientation descriptions between sexual and romantic attractions - so, maybe biromantic and homosexual. In your case, if I had to put a label on you, I would probably think of you as gay. Describing attraction to, and even thoughts about being in a relationship with, a woman but not wanting to have sex with her (thoughts I have from time to time, despite thinking of myself as attracted exclusively to men) sounds like a person I wouldn't think of as just bisexual or something. Then again, that's just me, as sex and relationships go hand in hand for me; for that matter, it's also hard to predict one's orientation from porn. I know gay people that watch gay porn, gay people that watch hetero porn, hetero people that watch gay porn, and so on. Though, again, if it's the men who are drawing your attention, maybe that's something to think about. The religious upbringing throws another wrench into this, as it might be easy to suspect that you've been "programmed" somehow to think like a hetero man. I get the impression, though, that you're pretty honest with yourself and capable of acknowledging your own feelings no matter what people around you are telling you to think. And for that, you should be proud - it's not easy for everybody to do. So I would say to just keep being as honest with yourself as you can. Aside from what you see in porn, when you think about your ideal relationship or ideal date or whatever, whom do you see in the situation with you? Use labels to acknowledge what you're currently feeling, and not as a tool to direct your future behavior, and you should be good. You might also mention this to your doctor - even though (I'm assuming) he or she is a psychiatrist and more specialized in pharmaceutical issues, they might be able to offer some thoughts or direct you towards a helpful counselor for a few sessions.
