1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Continuing confusion

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by climbingivy, Feb 18, 2012.

  1. climbingivy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2011
    Messages:
    57
    Likes Received:
    0
    So I feel like I've been on this site forever. Since October '11. Trying to figure out my sexuality. Anyone who's been through both the gender and sexuality sides of it? How do they interact?

    Anyway. I have a LTR bf now, almost 4 years. I don't know that this relationship is "the one" and I'm trying to put that thought out of my head for now. But, since I'm a "good girl", it does make it hard for me to experiment, even though he's a wonderful guy (my best friend) and has given me permission to do so with a female.

    Since the age of five I've been stealing looks at every chance of naked guys (I'm physically, and probably mentally, female). I really love the male body. But I've had many more emotional attractions to women. I'd say, on the Kinsey scale (applied to sexual attraction only) I'm a 1 or 2. But if there were a similar scale for emotional attraction I'd be a 4 or 5. Bonkers, right? Like I'm mostly heterosexual, but mostly homoromantic.

    I like boobs, but once it gets beyond that I'd prefer a dude. I feel like I just need to try "it" with a woman... but I'm not interested. Instead, now that I've opened my mind, I find myself wanting to snag every semi-cute guy in sight (I can't help but picture it in detail) and lead on every girl up until the point of sex. Then I draw a blank.

    I know maybe it's internalized homophobia, but then why do the majority of my dreams and fantasies that work tend to be with my boyfriend and other guys?

    I've started taking yoga and dance classes and this feminine side that I only vaguely knew was there has busted out. I love sex with my bf, but my brain worries it's not right, even though I clearly like it.

    The fear surrounding my sexuality has subsided a great deal as I've come out to accepting friends. It makes me be like, oh yeah, I like guys way more. But then at the same time I have this way stronger emotional attraction to women that I can't seem to reconcile.

    Has anyone gone through this? I know a lot could be cultural conditioning to like guys and be wierded out by girls. And it could be that I'm totally gay and in denial since that's what I fear most. I was made fun of a lot as a kid for being gay, even though now I think maybe it was my friends picking up on my gender variance. At the time I thought "I don't think I'm gay. I know I like looking at naked guys A LOT", but at the same time I deeply feared that I was.

    Can anyone help me weigh in on this?
     
  2. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well I dont think it sounds like you are totally gay and in denial necessarily, I mean if you enjoy sex with your boyfriend I dont think that would be the case if you were completely gay.
    The problem I see with experimenting with a girl alongside you boyfriend is that sometimes you need to really get to know someone before you want to be intimate with them and so unless you know someone suitable that can be tricky. It could be the fact that society directs you towards guys and that you have never been with a girl that prevent you from wanting to go any further than dating, or it could just be that you like girls on a level but wouldnt want to go any further than that.

    I think these things are always harder to figure out if you are in a relationship because you are more tied down and you risk loosing more, unfortunately that isnt really much help to you. How do you feel if you see female couple on tv or in films?