I'm afraid this is gonna be a long post. But I'm really confused right now and I really don't want to be one of those ridiculous "he cheated on me but I love him" guys. He's my boyfriend, we've been together for some time now and we've been through a lot but finally this whole last moth has been amazing, I've never been so in love and so proud of being with such a wonderful guy. The thing is I got really drunk on Saturday 11 (last week) and I started flirting with an old friend my boyfriend doesn't know. This got out of hand but before even holding this guys hand (not even kissing) I thought to myself "dude, what the hell?" and I backed off. Still I felt awful and on February 14 (St. Valentines) I was really down. I felt as if I had been all the way through with this other guy and I thought I'd die if my boyfriend ever did something similar to me. He started asking me what was wrong with me and this last week was really bad. I was depressed, confused. Yesterday we had a huge fight and after we talked and fixed things, he sayd he wanted me to be able to trust him and tell him everything, so I went ahead and told him what happened. Instead of being mad about it, he confessed he made out with my best friend on St. Valentines. He was really drunk and my best friend too. One of the things that hurt the most is I was able to back off and think about my boyfriend and how much I care about him and avoid an affair and I couldn't live with myself afterwards. By the other hand, he couldn't do the same for me and he went for my best friend. I feel like he didn't even care, and now things are gonna be akward with my friends 'cause I love them too much to tell them about that affair. I don't know what to do about my boyfriend but one thing is for sure: I don't want to see my best friend now. And I won't divide the group, I don't feel it's fair to make my friends choose between him and me 'cause it's my desition, my problem and not theirs. And those guys have been like a family to me. Every time I hang out with them I feel like I belong there and now thanks to my boyfriend I'm gonna lose that. After talking about the whole thing he promised he wouldn't ever do that again 'cause he wouldn't want to lose me over something meaningless and I agreed what I did was wrong and from now on we were both gonna stay focused and move on. But it's really hard. I really feel I can't trust him. We talked about it last night 'till 2am and I woke up today at 8am 'cause I'm worried. He's going out with his friends (from school, I don't know any of them) but I know one of his friends is kinda bi-curious and he had a fling with my boyfriend once (before we even met). And I know it sounds paranoid o jealous but I really don't know where I stand. Please, help me on this one, guys.
First off, nobody can tell you how you're supposed to feel right now, but it is okay for your emotions to be all over the place. That's pretty normal in this situation. It's okay to feel hurt and worried. The good news is that he did come clean about what happened. Unfortunately, if you and your boyfriend do really want to make this work, you are both going to have a lot of work to do to rebuild the trust that was broken down through this. I think sometimes it's harder being the one who was cheated on than the cheater, because while it's hard to work on rebuilding trust, it's almost harder in some ways to allow that trust to be rebuilt and to not keep worrying and thinking what could be going on. It will take time, but try to think of all of the reasons why you do trust your boyfriend and all of the reasons you want to make this work when you start to worry instead of snooping or thinking of what could be going wrong. I'm not saying ignore things if there are genuine signs of a need to be concerned, but try not to make a big deal out of little things by worrying about it. Let him go out and tell yourself over and over again that it's okay for him to hang out with friends and it doesn't mean there is anything going on. Maybe even try having friends over yourself while he's out with friends so you worry less. That's really the best advice I have in this situation as someone who's been cheated on and had to work to allow trust to be rebuilt.
I agree with flymetothemoon. A psychohlogist recently developed something for things like that...I don't know if this helps since you don't have a therapist to talk to about it, but let me see if I can find the link... Working through stages can mend betrayal, UT psychologist says ยป Knoxville News Sentinel If he doesn't start fixing his behavior, though, you may have to end it to prevent more pain.
trust is one of those things that sometimes when it is lost, it's lost. and sometimes it can come back. i think the thing is whether he fully made out with the other friend or if you only held someone's hand, you both felt guilty about it. sure you stopped this time, but what about next time. you coudl have easily done the same thing or may do teh same thing in the future and your bf could be wondering about that as well. the fact is both had the intention to cheat on some level. one pulled back (you) and one didn't (him). i also feel like the friend i would have a problem being friends with. i think that what u have to do is just realize that you still want to stay in teh relationship. i think that you need to voice your concerns with your bf and tell him that you need a little more assurance from him now that there wont be cheating until you both get over this and that you'll give him the same. then you have to move on if you decide you still want to be in teh relationship.
