Advice Needed, really depressed / upset - crush related

Well, I'll put it in a nutshell. I fell hard for one of my friends. I've been crushing on her for a couple of months, and for a second I thought maybe she liked me although she never did anything obvious. Recently it's become clear to me that she doesn't like me as anything more than a friend. And she's kind of being a bit flaky. It's so weird...she'll say she wants to hang out but then today I was trying to make a plan and she's being wishy washy. I don't get it. I know she's busy and stuff at the moment. If it were just a friend I'd shrug it off and do something else, probably be a little annoyed, but whatever.

But right now it's like I've swallowed knives. It's so painful I know some people get crushes bigger than other people. I'm one of those unfortunate people that gets obsessive crushes.

I feel depressed, sick to my stomach. I don't have any interest in my normal activities. I just ruminate about her and feel bad. It's SO STUPID and I can see that I have to stop!

I DO want to maintain the friendship, but I don't know what to do right now.

I wanted to come out before I met her. It's because of her that I had the courage to come out to some friends.

Now I feel like I'm left on a cliff alone and naked. I guess I was really hoping for reciprocation. But it's not happening. She's younger - 21. I'm 27. It's not huge but she is young, I know that. She also was going through a breakup when I first started hanging out with her a few months ago, that was 3 months ago. Maybe she's still not over her ex, I don't know.

Whatever the reason, I can tell she doesn't see me as more than a friend and yet I feel like my heart has been torn apart.

Does anyone have any advice at all? I'm literally pacing my apartment on the verge of tears right now. It really sucks. :bang::bang: I think I need a lobotomy. Now I know what the movie "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" was all about.

I have two choices tonight: hang out with some old friends (straight) who don't know I'm gay, or hang out with some really new friends at a gay women's singles party. I almost feel like doing the latter. If anyone reads this in the next hour, what would you do?

 

Hey thanks for the responses

I DID go to the singles party but it was kind of a flop. I met up with them after dinner but there was only 3 of them, 2 of which were drunk. Win some, lose some. I'm still glad I went though. Pushing my comfort zone.

Before that I ended up hanging out with and confiding in a good gay guy friend and he helped me put it into perspective as well.

You're right - I have about as much dating experience as a kindergartener. I've been on some dates, with guys, but it's different. I didn't really care about them.

For this girl -there's a lot about her I like. She's cute, funny, talented athlete. I know there are some differences between us that might make things difficult, which is why I'm wondering how I became so emotionally invested. One side of my brain is looking at the other, going, "what are you thinking?" But the logic can't control the heart.

I have no clue if she knows I like her. She knows I'm attracted to girls. Unfortunately when I really like someone I get super shy. I'm not sure how she reads my interactions. Personally I feel like I might be obvious, but maybe I'm not. I'm very friendly with her and do try to initiate stuff.

I think you may have hit the nail on the head though - it might be the idea of being with someone I like, and she fits it right now. It's hard finding people I like. And it's discouraging to see how small the dating pool is for us, and how hard it is to find people.

Unfortunately I get these crushes from hell - about one every year or two. And I seem to be a monogamous crusher. I like one person, and everyone else is kind of meh.

I've only started coming out since November. I'm new to it all. I guess I have a lot to learn. I feel like a second grader.

 

Well I know she is at least bisexual. Her last relationship was with a girl.

I guess it's throwing me into a spiral because of all the changes I'm experiencing in life right now. I'm just coming out to people, getting comfortable with myself, etc. And she's kinda the closest I've come so far to liking someone who could and might like me back.

I'm just depressed because I have all my emotions in one basket with her, and although I know I'm gay it's weird because I just don't find anyone else attractive right now. And it's sending me into the thought process that I'll never find anyone.

 

Maybe I should just stop looking and enjoy myself. I used to be able to do that. I guess I'm getting a bit panicky because I'm turning 28 in a bit and I've yet to have a meaningful relationship. I'm getting a bit of a complex

Also I think coming out heightened my expectations a bit. Now the pressure's on because I'm not hiding / denying anymore.

Plus I have been looking at online dating sites, and it's depressing because nobody looks attractive. It's hard for me to just look at pictures. And it's just making me more frustrated.

 

Mi Mirko, thanks for the response. I took down the other post because apparently her sister stole her computer in the midst of chatting. UGH. It's like those commercials about the dropped calls at the WORST time. So I'm relieved.

haha Christiaan. You're right. I'm lovesick. I will fully admit it. But I don't know about sweeping her off her feet just yet...

I struck up a chat with her on FB. And apparently she is leaving for her trip tomorrow. And she's going to be there a while, at least a month, maybe longer who knows. It sucks. But I kind of invited myself up there to say hi and bye, and to show her the finished version of a video project we were working on.

I'm kind of insecure about just inviting myself up, she lives an hour from me. Not a bad drive but not close either. But, well, life is too short to worry about insecurities.

Would you guys do that for a friend? I mean, I guess it depends on how close of a friend you are.

At this point, well, if she suspects I like her, I don't care. I'm not going to flirt with her, just be friendly. We'll see how it goes. At this point I just care about the friendship and was getting super bent out of shape that she was avoiding me for some reason.

But I'm still going to use her absence as a way to maybe decrease this crush. Because I really don't think she likes me as more than a friend right now.

 

Haha. well she hasn't gotten away quite yet. But I'm so useless at flirting and showing affection. But maybe I can brush up on my skills, and see where things are at when she comes back.

 

That's great advice I should implement.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to comment on this thread. It's just been so weird...I think the fact that I just recently came out, and then actually allowing myself to feel these feelings for someone without guilt or shame - and on someone who's not straight - sent me a bit into overdrive. I think that's the only way to really explain the intensity of my emotions. I guess it's a learning experience.

I did get to see her tonight, it was great, and actually one of the few times we've hung out one on one (I almost always see her in a group). I was worried it would be awkward or something but conversation flowed so good. Anyway. No overt flirting or anything like that. But it's fine. I'm just so relieved she's not trying to avoid me or something. It could be a while before I see her again, but I'll try to keep up contact on facebook and such. And try to get out there and just keep meeting people in the meantime.

 

Thanks, yeah I suppose that's the best I can do. The timing just sucked on this But I guess you never know what life is gonna bring right around the next corner.

 

also it just sucks - she's so embedded in my friendship circle that I risk making things weird with them if she doesn't reciprocate and isn't comfortable with it. Add that to the fact that my other group of friends is acting really catty and weird and dramatic, and I guess I'm gonna hang tight.

If she weren't in this particular social group then I'd probably just take the risk.