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Obsession

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by B733, Feb 19, 2012.

  1. B733

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    Hi all,

    I need help. I'm currently in the closet and have a massive crush on a guy that I've known for a while. Not sure if he's gay, but if you consider my other thread, I have a strong suspicion that he is; but to err on the side of caution, I'll assume that he's straight.

    For the record, this is the thread: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/56951-i-like-him-but-he-gay.html

    We've been hanging out a lot, of late. We're both currently on university holidays and for me, amongst all of my other friends, he's the one that I've seen the most, thus far. It's also the same for him. Now, he doesn't have a large friendship group, but he still connects with some of his friends from High School. Despite the fact that we've met up so often, and that we'll see each other basically every single day of the week as soon as the study semester commences, I feel physically sick/jealous/annoyed/petrified whenever he meets with his school friends.

    He's had to cancel things twice and my obsession got to the point where I was internally fuming that he had cancelled our meet-ups. Whenever he has parties/meet-ups with his school friends, I'd feel incredibly saddened and have difficulty sleeping.

    Is there a term for this? Any way to avoid this so as to not potentially ruin our friendship?
     
  2. Lexington

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    When you're dealing with a possibly-straight crush, the only two ways over it are to pull away, or to go for broke. So you either need to minimize your interaction with him, or lay your cards on the table. Tell him you're gay (in confidence), and see where that leads.

    Lex
     
  3. Ianthe

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    Well, the advice you got in the other thread was to come out to him--in your case, I think this means to confess at least that you are sometimes attracted to men. Unless you've come to some actual conclusions about your sexuality, in which case you can tell him how you identify.

    It's unlikely that anything will happen if you do not take that step. By you coming out to him, it makes it much more likely that he'll come out to you as well, if he likes guys at all.

    You don't have to tell him immediately that you are interested in him: just that you like guys.
     
  4. Gravity

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    I can only second all of the above - coming out to him will put you on the path to telling him how you feel (though I wouldn't recommend that just yet, one revelation at a time). Plus it may reveal something about him that will make you better friends, or show you that he's not the kind of guy you like after all (a less appealing result, but it will still help you get over the anxiety and such that you're feeling).

    If nothing else, he's become a good friend of yours - if you were going to come out to anyone, I think he'd be a good place to start. Is that something you'd be comfortable doing?
     
  5. B733

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    Thanks for all the replies, guys.

    Yeah, we've become considerably close friends pretty quickly. I guess I need to realise that apart from him and I, we both have friends external to uni. Sigh... It's just the sense of loneliness that I fear because really, he is probably the best friend I've ever made in my life, thus far.

    As for coming out, I'm not sure whether I'm emotionally stable enough at this point in time. I am 20 and whilst I realise that doing so would be for the betterment of myself, I have fears regarding the reactions of others. I am fairly introverted, so I guess that doesn't help, either. I accept that I'm either bi or gay, but somewhat confused.
     
  6. Mirko

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    Hi there!

    Loneliness is something that we all fear. Keep in mind though that you have friends, and from the sounds of it, you two have started to form a close friendship. It's great that you have started to have a friend that you can trust, and someone that can and perhaps is there for you, if you need to talk or just want to hang out. You can use your fear of loneliness, to move forward, and say to yourself "what is that I need to do, to ensure that I won't face loneliness." This ties directly into your coming out journey.

    Start working on becoming emotionally stable and comfortable with yourself. Try to figure out your sexual identity, and if it helps try not to label yourself at this stage. Follow what feels right for you. Explore your feelings as it were. What I would suggest is talking to someone who you can trust. Does your college have a counseling service? If so, maybe try talking to a counselor. Having that support can be of help. Often times, we talk, and we hear ourselves talking about our own feelings and thoughts, we can start making better sense of things. Things, including feelings, become clearer.

    (*hug*)
     
  7. Ianthe

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    Coming out is not an all-or-nothing thing. You can come out to one person without coming out to the whole world.

    It's impossible for you to date a guy without him knowing. If you ever want a relationship, you are going to have to come out to the guy.