I know that a lot of people say not to focus on labels, and that labels don't matter, and while I kind of agree with that, being able to label myself would help a lot in figuring out what I want. When I was little, I remember noticing and thinking how attractive people were, both male and female. For example, I loved the Professor on Gilligan's Island because I thought he was so cute (haha), and I only read the Samantha "American Girls" books because I thought she was the prettiest. I had a "crush" on a boy in second grade, and another one on my closest male friend in fourth/fifth grade, but other than that, I didn't really get many crushes in elementary and middle school. I remember thinking that was really weird, and picking a boy at church to pretend I had a crush on, in case anyone asked. Around middle school, I started to notice how hot women's bodies are and that I could be turned on watching the lesbian scenes on late night Cinemax. However, I was kinda a little horndog, so I watched the straight scenes all the time too, and was turned on by those, maybe to a slightly lesser extent. However, it was around middle/high school that I realized that the male body itself doesn't turn me on. Like, shirtless guys? Nothing. Shirtless women? Oh hell yes. However, I never had any kind of crushes on girls. I wasn't really social with friends or interested in dating in high school. I started to get really into music, though, and developed crazy crushes on these celebrity musicians (all guys). This lasted until college, when I started meeting guys I was really interested in. I had one major infatuation that didn't end up going anywhere, but I was so hung up on him it ruled my life. I then started actively seeking out boys because I wanted a boyfriend so badly, and when I finally got one, I felt like my dreams were answered. From the moment I met him, I wanted him. I thought he was attractive and I wanted him to ask me out so badly, The courtship was so much fun, and I felt like i was floating all the time on cloud nine. When we did get together, I was thrilled. I wanted to spend every second with him; I wanted to touch him and kiss him and make out with him forever, and I was so physically turned on by him. This is what confused me, however. I had always known that the female body could get me going and the male body couldn't, but here I was, super aroused just sitting next to him. It's like his whole entity turned me on. I remember being slightly concerned at one point that his body didn't turn me on, but I felt like it was such a miniscule issue at the time because I was so into him in every other way. I couldn't wait to have sex with him, and I really enjoyed it for a few months. It started to get a little boring after a few months, but I still enjoyed it and desired it because I loved him. After about a year and a half, I stopped getting turned on as easily, and started worrying if its because I'm gay. We're still together at this point, but I'm not sure I still love him. I do usually still enjoy (sometimes very much!) having sex with him, but I very rarely am the one to initiate anymore. Now, when I think about women, I feel so warm and fuzzy. I felt warm and fuzzy about men too, but not as completely as I do with women, and I know it's because of my attraction to the body. I have no experience with a woman, but I imagine it would be so much more intense and intimate than with a man. I very rarely masturbate, but if I do, usually imaging the female body is what does it for me, though imagining a specific man I have a crush on doing things to me can work too. I feel like a lesbian because my arousal to the female body seems so powerful and immediate, but my feelings and attractions to certain men felt SO REAL I can't imagine they weren't. Is it possible to be so in denial that you can fake incredible infatuation feelings, serious arousal, and the feeling that you're so happy with a man? I know this was unbelievably long, and I apologize. If you got through it and have any kind of insight, I'd really appreciate it! I just can't seem to decide if I'm bisexual or a lesbian with severe denial.
Hey, I have a few thoughts not sure if they will help but I will throw them out there. I didnt realise I was gay until I was in my mid 20's and I didnt date all through school and college because well I never found anyone I liked, I always thought it was because I was fussy and shy. There were a couple of people who I thought I liked but looking back I think I was just really good friends with them rather than attracted to them. At the time though I desperately wanted a boyfriend, and I think if someone I liked had asked me out I would have enjoyed it, I think this would have been because it is exciting to get to know someone and flattering for them to like you and have that courtship and interaction. Having that attention and the feeling that that person has chosen to be with you over others can be really awesome. I dont know if maybe this is a little what you are feeling. I would say it certainly sounds like you are at least bisexual, and as others here will tell you sexuality can be a bit fluid and so sometimes you might find yourself more into guys and other times more into girls. All that being said I think the most important part of your post is that you put 'but im not sure I am still in love with him', I think first and foremost you need to decide if this is the case, because bi, straight or gay if you dont love him then for both your sakes you need to end things with him. Once you have done that (if that is the case) then you can more easily explore your attraction to girls and see what happens.
At first I thought my crazy feelings for him in the beginning of the relationship was because I was so excited about the idea of having a boyfriend, rather than him himself. However, during my "I NEED A BOYFRIEND!" phase before we got together, I went out a few times with a friend of mine who I thought I liked, that is until I actually went out with him. I couldn't stand to be around him, and I was horrified at the idea of kissing him. When I got together with my current boyfriend, though, there was none of that. It just felt so RIGHT. I remember lying in bed with him and just thinking how right it felt and how he's what I had been waiting for. So, I mean, I knew what it was like to have someone give me attention and like me from with the first guy. Also, if the feelings were just excitement at the prospect of being wanted, would I have gotten as aroused as I did? My body was INTO my boyfriend!
Yeah I get your point, I think you are probably just bisexual, perhaps at the moment slightly more into girls. It is perhaps the fact that you have yet to have any experience with a girl that sparks your excitement so much. I definitely dont think that you can fake the right feeling a relationship can give you or the arousal your body had.
If you don't mind me asking, how did you know you were gay? Did you ever have any relationships/experiences with guys beforehand?
This sounds so much like my post yesterday, it always seems clearer as an outsider. To me it sounds like ur bisexual, a lot of what u say is how I've felt in the past. However, do you think that maybe youre just interested to see what a relationship with a woman would be like rather than you not being into guys? (does that make sense) I say that because, I'm sort of in a flip side situation in that I'm with a woman I love very much and who still umm caters to my desires shall we say...but that doesn't mean I don't wonder what a relationship with a man would be like. Sometimes that interest can build to the point of distraction, but that doesn't mean I'm any less attracted to her or want to be with her. I've rambled a bit there, but maybe there's some similarities in there that you might be able to relate to
Hey I dont mind at all, my attraction to girls was never obvious to me, I never looked at girls and thought oh my I want to kiss her, or jump in bed with her, and I guess that is why it took me so long to work it out. I used to look at guys and wonder why my friends went so ga ga over them, I mean I could tell which ones were more attractive but I was never so interested in one I would want to pursue him, and I always think oh well there are always more boys. Looking back now I can see where I probably had crushes or attraction to girls but at the time I mistook attraction for admiration. I used to think oh I wish I was her, not oh I wish I was with her. I was never consciously in denial of my gayness I just whole heartedly never realised, until I was a bit older and was watching a program on the tv with a couple of girls together and suddenly I though hmm you know what I think I like this more than the average straight girl, it was still a long journey from there, most of which I have to thank EC for but now im happy in a long term relationship with a girl and it feels right,
