I have a girlfriend, V, and we've been together for almost a year. I love her, I really do, and I know she loves me, but lately I've been really depressed. I just don't know why I live anymore, and I've been sad and gloomy, and she just puts up with it, knowing I'm going through a rough time. So much has happened. My brother's death, my mom cheating, my dad not caring about that, the divorce, my bad school marks... I just can't take it anymore. V is the only one that's keeping me alive at the moment, I don't think anyone else'd miss me if I were gone. At least I'd see my brother again. But I don't want to put her through this. She doesn't deserve it. She deserves a nice, pretty, happy girl. Someone that can take what V gives, and can give it right back. I want to give her everything, but all I've got is pain. Right now, she's the one keeping our relationship alive, and with that, me. It would kill me if she broke up, yet I kinda want her to. She's too good for this. She shouldn't need to hold me everyday, because I just can't face the world anymore. She shouldn't need to wipe away my tears so many times. Sometimes, I just want her to get out. She should get a life. Leave me. I'm not worth the effort. But she wouldn't. Because she's perfect. She wouldn't leave someone who needed her. And I need her. But I'm afraid that I'll make her feel trapped. She said herself that it's hard to love someone who doesn't love herself. I'm afraid that in the end, she'll only stay with me because she feels like she has to take care of me, instead of because she loves me. Because she has to, instead of because she wants to. I really don't know what I'm feeling anymore. I want her to leave, yet I desperately need her to stay. Please, I need help. What should I do?
Hey, so first off, I'm so sorry that all of that has happened. Have you been talking to anyone (besides her) about your depression? Being formerly depressed over extremely similar reasons, I know how you feel. Talking over it, with friends, a physchologist, a family member, or someone would be really helpful. Having as much support as possible is really important. And positive thoughts. No one knows that I was, but I worked my way out of it. Seeing that after everything bad that's happened, it's my choice whether I want to be happy or not, and after all, you only have one life, why not be happy? Living in the past is useless. As for your girlfriend, if she's staying with you through all this, it means she really loves you, and needs you too. She wants to be with you, and wants to help you through this so you can be the "nice, pretty, happy girl" you mention. Although even if you're not happy, i'm sure you're still nice and pretty. You should appreciate such a caring and amazing girlfriend, and not want her to leave you. But it's important that you help yourself in the meantime. Being down is only going to make things worse.
Think about this: would you do the same for her? The thing about a good relationship is that you work through the tough times together. You don't split up because of the hardships in your lives. You will not be in this situation forever. Just let her know that you appreciate everything she has been doing in some way. Are you talking to a counselor or anything? Do you think maybe that would help because you would be able to let out some of your problems there?
I understand exactly how you feel and I've been in this situation myself. the best thing to do for her (and yourself) is to get resources and help. It is good to have people supporting you when you are going through a rough time and the more help you have the better. Talk to her about it, good communication always helps in things like this. If you two love each other she might not even see it the same way you do. She might be staying because she loves you and wants to help you and take care of you. Make sure you talk to her about it though. I wish I could be more help but every situation is different depending on the people
