I am trapped in the closet with no way out but to destroy my life and the lives of the ones I love. I feel it would be best if niether of my Personas existed.
Hi there, and welcome to Empty Closets! (*hug*) By posting here, you have already accomplished an important thing. You have reached out, asked to be listened to and asked for help. That's the first step in beginning to turn the corner. Even though things might not seem bright and you are facing obstacles and challenges, know that you can and will overcome all of the challenges you are facing. Why do you feel that your life is or would be destroyed? Why do you feel that it would be best if you wouldn't be around? Taking your life, or harming yourself is never an answer to anything. You are facing temporary problems, and they are truly temporary. I am absolutely sure that you have so much to offer to others. If you want, please feel free to talk to us. Is there someone in the community where you live, that you could talk to for support? (*hug*)(*hug*)
I know that my life would be destroyed because I am married and my wife can not work therefore if I come out being the conservative woman she is she will want a divorce and since she can not work she would take half my military retirement and I have a 13 year old daughter so the rest she would take in child support. Leaving me with nothing that I have spent a lifetime to build. And since they are the only family I have left I would be homeless, broke, alone and still transgendered.
Hi there! Take it slow. You are talking about the 1000th step already, bringing all kinds of anxieties and worries with it. You have realized or come to learn that you don't feel comfortable in your body and that you are yearning for a fundamental change. Now that you have started to act upon it (by joining online transgender communities) you are becoming increasingly aware of who you are, and the road lying ahead of you. It is really important that you start with the right step, that being trying to find someone either in your community or in a community close by, someone that you can talk to. Be it a counselor, be it a support group. You are not going to be homeless, broke and alone. If you take your time (as long as it might be) and put everything into place that will allow you to create the right moment to talk to your wife and your family, things might not be as bad as you fear they might be. (*hug*)
Your story has more than a touch of familiarity to it. This is something many older transgender folk face, predominantly *it would seem to me* MTFs. It may sound cold to say, but -- You have a daughter that needs YOU. As you said, she is 13 now - as bitter as a pill it may seem, you have a duty to her to ensure she has a parent until she is fully on her own. As you say, you are former military, you understand duty. As bad as it sounds, even if your life hurts, do all you can to ensure she has the best remaining child hood possible. Which, long term, can help YOU out. Raise her to be a welcoming, open minded person - if you can, she should be able to help you once she is an adult - not that far away. Also, once she is an adult, she can meet her parent properly. Taking that early out now will do her far more harm than good. It sounds cold I know. But in your situation, I think it may be the best approach to take. Good luck, and hang in there.
I already feel alone and unfortuneatly, there is no Community with in a 100 miles that accepts Transgender people the down fall of living in the rural area of Arkansas, I wish there was a place I could turn but I have looked and then nearest place is so far away that for me to go my wife would be suspicious and force me out before either of us is ready for that step
Welcome to EC! I've moved your thread to the "Support and Advice" section of Empty Closets. Hopefully this will bring it to the attention of more people who might be able to give some suggestions. Lex
Sorry to hear that your area doesn't have on the ground support for transgender people. But here is the thing. You already have joined an online transgender community. While this is of course not the same as having someone sitting across from you, it can and does offer you some support. I would suggest that you try finding someone on the online community who has experienced or has gone through a similar situation, and talk with them. I know, from my transgender friends, how hard it can be to accept oneself as transgender and also coming out as transgender and going through the process of transitioning. You will need support throughout your journey of becoming you, the person you want and need to be. You have already started to build that support. Utilize the support that you have started to built to its fullest. (*hug*)
Here I go again woke just wanting get up and put my make-up on my wig and a very beautiful stylish but functional dress and nylons and face the day as a vibrant and beautiful woman, instead had to peu on jeans and a shirt and was given a list heavy lifting that the wife wanted done today oh yay.
Mary, my first lover was just turning forty when I first met him, and he was going through a divorce related to his sexuality. You are right to feel concerned that you might lose a lot FINANCIALLY during a divorce. It caused my first love to go through considerable, painful stress, and I will not pretend that it was easy. However, he is much happier now in spite of it all. He no longer suffers from the depression that plagued him throughout his marriage. He is self-confident, and he has an awesome relationship with his kids. My first love is extremely well-adjusted, all because he is no longer in hiding and no longer lying to himself. I am sorry that coming out means that you will face hardship, Mary. It is not easy. Heaven knows it ain't cheap. However, consider the post that you opened this thread with: you are talking about taking your own life, and that is serious. Before he came out, my first love had his toe on the trigger of a shotgun, one twitch from ending his life. He came that close to dying. If he had done that, though, he wouldn't have been there to save me from myself. If he hadn't saved me, I would have still been a twisted, ugly monster who had nothing but hate for the world. No matter how hard it is, you have to face this. Somebody out there needs you, more than you can possibly know. You can save someone's soul. Please stay around. The people here are good. They can nourish your soul and help make you strong. They really are the best group I have found anywhere for people in your situation. Please, keep us posted.
