1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Need help with someone

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Felix, Feb 20, 2012.

  1. Felix

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2012
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Hi, I'm pretty new to this.

    I have always believed I was straight, and am still attracted to girls, but there has been this guy who I think I may be attracted to. When we first became friends, we got very close very quickly, and within a few months, we knew virtually everything about each other. We spent hours together, and did a lot of things together, usually stuff people would do by themselves, like going into town to get something etc. He has had a lot of girlfriends over the year, and has one currently and has had for about the same time him and I have been close. He used to be quasi-homophobic, but not as much anymore. A few of my friends think that he could be gay, but they don't know why, just a feeling, one of which is actually gay himself.
    He admits he doesn't show emotion in public and that he is very insecure with himself and doesn't have much confidence and likes to fit in with people (Maybe why he has a girlfriend). He rarely saw his girlfriend, and spent months flirting with other girls, and didn't seem to spend much time with her. It's only recently, after nearly a year that he's starting to spend more time with her, and actually talk about her when he's with us.
    We have told each other that we would be there for each other, and said that we are best friends with each other. I am the only guy that he is very close to, and possibly the only guy that he's been very close to. Anyone else who he would consider a close friend is female. He doesn't act stereotypically gay in anyway, so I can't give any evidence there, he's completely straight-acting, as am I.
    Any time I went anywhere, he always wanted to know, or who I was with. Even sitting in class, he would always poke me or steal my stuff. Or when I was getting past him to get to my chair at break or something he would make me fall so I fell on top of him. He once crashed a date of mine with a girl, and any time I try something with a girl, he likes to know about it.
    He has never been this close to any one else as he has been with me, especially not for this long.
    Like me, he is very religious, so maybe that could be preventing him from doing anything. He has a place online where he writes down all of his emotions since he finds it hard to in real life. He says about girls that he has feelings for and all, but they change quite a bit, and I'm pretty sure he hasn't told his girlfriend about this place, since it says how even though he has a girlfriend, he would rather chase after someone else.
    He said to me he wouldn't mind if I was gay, and I said the same to him, and he replied with "Good". But one time, he thought I fancied him, but I said I didn't and denied it, but he got angry at got more distant from me. Why would anyone who was a best friend do that? Maybe he is afraid of his feelings?
    In the past few months, he has become more distant from me, but I don't know why. He's been different this past year or so, less like himself and more like well everyone else.

    I know this isn't a lot to go from, but are you able to tell if he possibly has gay feeling towards me? we are going to university next year, so still in school. Please ask more questions as it is hard to think off the top of my head everything.
    I also want to know, can a guy still be gay if he has had a girlfriend for a year-ish like the way I just described? Could it be a cover-up. I know that they haven't done anything beyond kissing. He has before, but has refused to being touched by a girl, only he does the "touching" apparaently
    Thanks for all your help,

    Felix
     
  2. Filip

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2009
    Messages:
    2,355
    Likes Received:
    105
    Location:
    Belgium, EU
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well, it isn't impossible. There's guys who have girlfriends for years (even who get married and have kids) and then eventually decide they can't live with the mask and come out.

    However: from what you say, it isn't possible to definitely say he IS gay either. Obviously, there are some signs that could indicate he is, but the only really definitive proof of someone being gay is them telling you they are. And, don't take this the wrong way, but you're slightly biased in which signs you pick up on :wink:
    I think the one thing we can say with certainty is that he isn't exactly committed to his current relationship, and perhaps just keeping it going until something better comes along.

    It isn't the easiest of options, but I always found that the best way through such "what if" games is to just be open yourself. You can't expect other people to open up if you don't open up yourself.
    So maybe there is a chance here to just come out as very occasionally attracted to guys. If he is a good friend, then he can probably keep it as a secret, and then the ball is in his camp. Doesn't guarantee him coming out then and there, and falling in our arms (indeed, it is still possible he's straight after all), but it does make it easier on the overanalysing front!
     
  3. Marlowe

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2011
    Messages:
    245
    Likes Received:
    0
    I am sorry if I misunderstood, however, it seems to me like you are not out yet and have only begun to explore the idea that you might be gay or bi. I think that this is the far more important thing to focus on. Yeah, it might be nice to know, but on the other hand, what can you really do if you are not prepared to come out to him. There are probably two motivations for you to know. The first is that you might be attracted to him, and the second is that if he is gay, then he is a safe person to talk about this with.

    In many ways it does sound like he might be gay, or at least bi, BUT here is the thing, never assume anyone is gay until they tell you. That being said, that you have both said that it would be fine if either of you were gay is a really important piece here. My advice is that if you really think you are close to him, take the leap of faith and open yourself up to him, and tell him how you are wondering if you are gay. You don't have to mention your crush on him, but this will open the way up for a conversation which might make him feel more comfortable about telling you.

    Even if he were gay, and you knew this definitively, it is his choice to come out, and so all you can do is try to provide a space for him to do this. It sounds like you have the foundation, but coming out, even as questioning is really difficult as you probably know, especially for those for whom religion is important, and it is difficult to build this trust. Think of how quickly you would deny it if any one asked if you were gay or bi. One of the few ways to bridge this strongly is to yourself say that you are questioning if you are totally straight.

    One thing i might want to hear more about is your interaction about him asking if you fancied him. This seems a little weird considering that from what I can understand he doesn't know that you are gay. But I think that him being put off is a natural thing if he does have feelings for you. Anyway, I hope it goes well. At a minimum you are lucky to have a friend that close. Let me know if you have any questions.
     
  4. insidehappy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2012
    Messages:
    346
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Closetville, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    not sure if the kid is gay or not. but he said he didnt mind if you were gay and that came out of nowhere. instead of denying it if you were interested in him you should have said, what if i was gay and was midly attracted to you, would that be weird for you? he already told you he was ok with your potential gayness. he may have liked you and thought by saying you liked him, it would open the door. anyways, there's now noway to know for sure unless you ask. not sure if it is that important to you to know or not. but if you do want to know you have to either tell him you are gay or ask him if he is. since you denied, do not think he will be upfront with you.

    maybe you can talk to him and just say "hey remember when u said u wuldn't mind if i were gay, welll there's something i didnt tell u becauase i wasn't sure how you would take it. i'm not sure if i am gay or not gay but sometimes i have thought a few guys were really cool and attractive. but i didn't want to tell you because i didnt want you to think i was weird or something or coming on to you."

    then if he asked if you thought he was attractive, you could say something like,

    we'll honestly, yea i do but i like our friendship so i didnt want to ruin that or mess it up and plus i didnt think you were interested in guys so it didn't matter, well unless you are ???