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What am I?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by HarleyRider, Feb 21, 2012.

  1. HarleyRider

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    Hello all, I am brand new to not only this site, but to talking about the topic. I cannot decide what my sexual preference is. I am a 24 yo male. I have been with many women and have been married for 3 years, next month. Since I was about...umm...12 I have been curious about boys. All of my girlfriends and my wife have been and is extremely hott. I have done nothing but fantazised about men up until I was 22. My wife and I were going through our divorce (we stopped it) and I finally got my courage up enough to go to a gay bar and I was there for about 15 minutes until ALOT of men started coming up to me, hitting on me or wanting to buy me drinks. I finally met a guy who made me laugh and was really cute (I'm even ashamed of saying that). We eventually left and went back too his house. We sat around and talked until he eventually made a move. Without going into much detail, we had sex. I thought it felt great. After it was over though, I felt really ashamed. I left pretty quick but after about two days I was wanting to do it again. I have not been with another guy since that night. Since then, I've thought about guys and what I want to do with them and even after I touch myself to them I feel ashamed. What is that about? I still have sex with my wife (alot) and I always think of her during. On those nights where I am alone (business trips) I think about guys. But like I said, I always feel ashamed afterwards. Is that a way of my inner-self telling me that I should stop thinking that way or is it something I need to over come? I want to be with a guy but there's no way in hell I'm telling my wife or friends that I might be gay. Am I gay? Bi? or just a mess? Any advice on the matter would be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. Paper Heart

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    Hey there, welcome to EC!

    You seem to have been through a lot recently. I personally think that you have a lot of hangups when it comes to your sexual attraction to guys. It is undoubted to me that you are most likely bisexual; you have an attraction to the woman in your life, as well as your attraction to men. I personally believe that this guilt may be from the "big, scary idea" of what it means to be gay in society today, as well as from guilt regarding your wife and your newly awakened sexual preference. I say newly awakened because although you have been curious, you haven't acted on it until now, which makes the idea seem sexy and taboo, which is why you are obsessing over it.

    People get excited over new things in their life all the time, driving for the first time, first day at a job. But just like these, it will soon just be a part of who you are. You may be bisexual, you may be 75% gay and 25% straight, or vice-versa. But the thing to remember is that you are not in any way a mess. You are a guy going through an identity crisis, which is undoubtedly scary for anyone to go through. Best of luck!
     
  3. HarleyRider

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    Thank you for your reply! It helped me out alot. I do believe though that I am 25% Straight and 75% gay. I feel like in my heart, I want to be completely open and gay. Until that actually happens (if it does), I will just have to try and overcome my fears. I have gotten so close to telling my wife, but obviously backed out right when I was about to say something. Once again, thank you for your words.
     
  4. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC!

    I'd second the vote of bisexual. We tend to daydream and fantasize about the stuff we don't have. I can't recall daydreaming about the job I have or my current partner...or if I did, it was about us doing things we've never done. :slight_smile: That's just human nature.

    What should you do? That's up to you. Laying out all the options:

    1. Stay with your wife, and remain monogamous.
    2. Stay with your wife, open the relationship, and see men on the side when you get the urge.
    3. Stay with your wife, and cheat on her occasionally.
    4. Break up with your wife, and date/sleep with whoever you want.

    The only one I always argue against is #3. It simply isn't fair to do that to her, even if it's tempting to "save her from the knowledge that I like guys". The rest is up to you.

    Lex
     
  5. HarleyRider

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    Thank you for your advice. I want to leave my wife because I know that when I move back to the US I am going to want to pursue this more. The only reason I havent left yet is because I am afraid of how she will react. I want to meet someone who has similar interests as mine. Like I want someone that I can go out rock climbing with and can just have fun with. I know that I don't really need a partner to do that with, but I feel like I owe it too myself to try and date a nice guy. Do I sound dumb?
     
  6. IanGallagher

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    I think you're on the gay part of being bi. A kinsey 4 or 5. The thing that caught my attention was - when you're away from your wife you think about men instead of your wife. That, to me, just doesn't sound quite right if you were leaning on the straighter end of things. And now seeing the above message - for you? That definitely sounds like the best idea since it doesn't sound like you think about her that much - the divorce, then even with the divorce over going to gay bars, and not thinking about her when away... just doesn't sound like a 'healthy' relationship.
     
  7. TruffleDude

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    HarleyRider...

    Lex and the other posters really nailed it. Opening up an exploring is a good idea. It can be hard at first, really hard.

    I agree with Lex that cheating should not be your first option (or really an option at all since it can cause so much pain).

    I just read one of the best coming out books I have found to date, and i think it really hits your issue on the head. Check out "Finally Out: Letting Go of Straight Life".

    It is on Amazon/Kindle if you are too shy to go buy this at a store.

    You do not sound Dumb.
     
  8. Lexington

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    It's the 21st century. If you want to find a guy to go rock-climbing with, or a guy to wrestle around with in a wading pool full of vanilla pudding, you can do that fairly easily. You go online and go searching for one. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  9. HarleyRider

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    Thank you for your insight. I agree with you, our relationship isn't that healthy. Like I stated, I am wanting to break it off, for good, I'm just scared about actually telling her. Also, like I stated above, I believe that I am more 25% straight and 75% gay, now that I am realizing that, I need to work on telling her, or at least a friend. It's also pretty hard for me to talk to other guys because I am extremely shy. Hopefully on eday in the future, I will be able to overcome this stupid fear and start living free. Thank you for the book refferal. I am seriously going to check that book out. Maybe it's just what I need to see.
     
    #9 HarleyRider, Feb 21, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2012
  10. TheAMan

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    Well it definitely sounds like you're bi. You love girls but you still have a passion for guys. Once you accept that's who you are, your life should become a little easier.

    As for telling your wife, I think she deserves the truth. It will be hard to tell her but she has to know.
     
  11. TruffleDude

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    The advice the author gives in the book - and he went through a long marriage, kids, and all that before coming out - is to slowly introduce the idea to the opposite sex spouse. Nearly everything I have read talks about being careful to not "let the floodgates loose" when divulging these things to the spouse. I have no experience here, but I have to say the book will probably help answer some of your questions.

    Best of luck, and keep us posted.
     
  12. Ianthe

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    I think that, ideally, you would have discussed this with her as you were processing it yourself. Like, you would have expressed your uncertainty, and let her go through the process with you as you figured it out yourself. Then, you and she would have been on the same page about what was going on, and she would never feel like you've been deceiving her.

    Since you didn't do that, she is going to be really behind, compared to you, in terms of dealing with this all and accepting it. So you are going to have to be patient.

    You might want to start by just at least letting her know that you've been questioning.