When I was 13, maybe 12, I thought about suicide day in and day out. And it seems like once one has those thoughts, they never fully go away. I no longer think about it so much, but little things can remind me so easily and make me feel awful again (though at no point any more do I want to commit suicide). In Religious Studies at the moment, we're learning about euthanasia and reasons for and against it and all, along with forming our own opinions. Part of the topic requires us to see it portrayed in media, so our teacher is showing us A Short Stay In Switzerland, about a woman with a progressive genetic disorder that will incapacitate her and eventually kill her. RS is once a week, and this Monday (the 20th) we watched a chunk of the film, including where the main character tries to kill herself at home. It is shown in full detail, and is really horrible for anyone to watch. I've seen a video of someone dying at Dignitas, but that was a "good death"; this was just awful, even though she was rescued. It made me start shaking, feeling unsafe, and I couldn't look. The feelings of, of, I can't really describe them, persisted through the next break. I couldn't get it out of my head. It doesn't trigger the feeling of wanting to kill myself again – not much. I think the emotions are closer to being angry and horrified at my past desire to do so. I wonder why they're showing us ways to destroy our lives. I'm ashamed that I used to want death, when so many people have it worse. I am scared, I don't know why. I think I'm weak because I never had the strength to go through with it (thankfully). I hate the thoughts that went round my head after seeing the film; they were bad and negative and unhealthy and I want to get rid of them, but I felt like I was trapped in them. I'm finding it hard to cope with the feelings, both from this particular lesson and the previous ones. All the lessons so far have been horrible to me, even when I should have been fine with them – they all caused the feelings that I can't describe. This one was especially bad, though, and I felt so awful afterwards. I know I should probably talk to my teacher about if there is a way to do the lessons differently or something, but what could I say? Are my feelings irrational and unfounded? Should I tell him that I find the lessons hard in this way, the way they trigger the thoughts? I don't want him to ever let it get out that I used to feel suicidal – might he have to say something, although it is in the past? Mr P is known for being a "cool" teacher; one time at a different school, a girl punched one of her classmates in the face for the insensitive things he said, and they talked about why as a class, rather than her getting into trouble. So I could probably tell him. But... if I did manage to get a different arrangement, then the rest of the class would probably know and wonder why. I could probably manage the material somehow if I just didn't have to watch the film – then again, we've watched most of it already and apparrantly it doesn't get worse. Should I tell him? I just want to get rid of the thoughts...
I think I watched this exact same video in my RS classes, so I can fully relate to how raw it is. (*hug*) I didn't find it easy to watch either, I got pretty upset watching it. I does sound like Mr P is really approachable, so I would, in your shoes, try and talk to him privately - perhaps in a break, or email, or letter in his pigeon hole, however best you think - and outline your personal issues with it. Whilst he shouldn't need know specifically why you don't wish to watch them / have the topic taught in a different way / be excused from watching the videos, you could say something along the lines of: "Can you please teach the topic another way/excuse me from watching the rest of the video. As much as I feel that can manage the topic itself, I do have personal reasons and experiences that mean that I've gotten quite upset after watching this video." You should not have to go through those feelings again, particularly if they unsettle you so much. Your feelings are far from unfounded and irrational.
It does sound upsetting, and I can understand you not wanting to watch it. I don't think it would be a bad idea to talk to your teacher, and I don't think he needs to know all the details around why you think you feel so bad about it - just that you do. At the same time, if the movie is almost over, then you've probably seen the worst of it. It's a very serious topic to cover, and one that requires a great deal of maturity. Try to not obsess over it, but to take it in stride and busy yourself with other things. (easier said than done I know)
I would have to say the worst thing you can do is talk about it... sorry, that sounds bad. But in my experience, your average teenager reacts strangely to any mention of a suicidal classmate, and you'd most likely end up being told to kill yourself, and teased about it. Do your best to ignore the movie, and remember it will be over soon.
