I'm currently 15 right now. Back in seventh grade I came out to a few people about being gay. As you know how hard it is to keep a secret for most people, it spread and spread, and now in ninth grade.. well, the entire school knows. That isn't the problem though. I'm surrounded by tons of accepting people in my school, no big deal. Being bullied at school has never been a problem. It's my family. Everything I've seen says to come out when you're older and able to support myself. But what am I suppose to do if I ever want to have a relationship with a guy in high school.. Am I not suppose to? I would like to come out to my parents, but it just scares me beyond belief. It's not a conversation I want to have. I wish they could just figure it out themselves and not have me have to tell them. But I know it will never be that easy. I honestly couldn't tell you how they would react if I told them. They make negative comments about gay people, during an episode of Glee or something like that. Something like "gaywad" or "queers". But I do believe they aren't Anti-Gay Marriage. But I don't know how comfortable they'd be having a gay son.* I'm not sure if I'm scared about how they'd react as much as I'm just scared to tell them. The thought of having to be like, "I need to talk to you guys about something.." FREAKS me out. I told myself that if I had a reason to come out, such as I found someone I really wanted to be with in high school before I graduate I would come out to them. It's just some times I really want to be like "HEEELLOOO I'M GAY.". I'm not sure how much more I can go about hearing my parents ask me which girl I like right now.. I mean, my facebook even says Interested In: MEN. *(My mom has made comments before about being gay. Such as one time during dinner she said if I ever joined The Real World on MTV that I should come out first just to warn her.. Or one time I spilled something on myself or whatever and she said something about a girl licking it off. I awkwardly laughed and she then said, "Or maybe you'd want a boy to lick it off". Can't say those were the exact words but you get what I mean.) I'm not sure what to ask for in way of advice.. I just needed to let it all out there. Is it normal for me to be more scared about the conversation then their reaction..? Sorry for such a long post, thanks if you took the time to read this. <3
Hey there, Eric! B here, and welcome to EC! No worries, no post is ever too long. It sounds like your parents, particularly your mom know that your gay, and that they're letting you know in the most indirect, obnoxious way. They're trying to tell you that you can come out to them, but from all of the comments they make, you can't expect them to accept it. So the only thing to do is wait til you are no longer living with them before looking for any guy.
Hi there, and welcome to EC! You've come to the right place. Congratulations on having come out at school. I'm glad that worked for you. Coming out to parents is probably the hardest. It doesn't matter how old you are either. I was in my mid 30s when I came out, and it really stressed me out to come out to them. And I'd had absolutely NO indication that they wouldn't be accepting. I knew they would be. I was just afraid of things changing between us. And then didn't. You don't need to have a conversation. You can write a note to them as well and leave it for them - or email it to them. There are lots of ways to come out if you want to come out. The fact of the matter is that if you're mom has made comments like that already, she likely suspects it. (Your mom and dad don't have access to your facebook page? They'd know based on that.) If they're not extremely homophobic then things will likely be fine.
Oh my gosh, this is EXACTLY how I feel! So apparently, it's COMPLETELY normal! It sounds like your mom might have some idea. Just try and remind yourself that it's going to be okay. They're your family. It's incredibly hard to tell them something like this. But they'll love you! I mean, your mom may know on some level, and she still loves you! It also sounds like she's trying to help you start the conversation! Stay strong man! I know you can do it in your own time!
Honestly, from the things you say your mother has said to you, it sounds like she already knows! The advice that is often given to parents who suspect their children are gay is to NOT ask them about it, but to let the child come to them. Perhaps she has heard this advice and you are both waiting for the other to initiate the conversation. In regards to the "wait until you can support yourself" thing, it isn't so much "wait until you are financially independent and living on your own," it's more "have a back up plan so you don't end up living on the street if your parents react in the absolute worst way possible." If your whole school knows and you have supportive friends there, you have enough of a support system. What it really comes down to is having someone you can talk to before and afterwards and a couch to sleep on for a night or two if you need to give your parents space. And honestly, if your mother has made lighthearted gay jokes with you before ("Maybe you'd want a boy to lick it off?"), I doubt it's going to come to that. I totally get the being afraid of actually starting the conversation. A few ideas for getting over that are either writing a letter, leaving it with them, then talking after they've had a time to process everything you had to say or telling a supportive friend (or even sibling?) when you're going to tell your parents and then have them over for dinner. It is sometimes the push you need to just do it when you have someone supporting you and holding you accountable to your own plans.
You say you're nervous about what they would think about having a gay son...well guess what? They DO have a gay son, and it sounds like they are very loving and accepting, especially your mom making hints like that. My advice is to do it sooner than later. I havn't come out to my parents yet either so I know completely what you mean about worrying more about the conversation than the reaction. Thats why I havn't either! I know they will be accepting and nothing will drastically change. But the thought of sitting them down adn saying "we need to talk" or something all serious like that is horrifying...we even have family that is gay and my mom adored them and fully supports their relationship. She even helped my cousin through coming out to her friends and hiding it from her ridiculously catholic parents who still dont know and shouldn't (you'd have to know them haha). And even STILL! I'm terrified of telling them! My dad does the same thing, stabbing fun at the gay couple on Modern Family and saying hurtful words about them but I know its all out of ignorance and I'm sure he'd tread lighter if he knew his own son was who he was poking fun at... Wait for a situation that presents itself to come out in a way you feel comfortable to them. Maybe a spur of the moment type thing would be better for you? Rather than an official "lets have a talk" kind of thing....I'm still waiting for my moment to arise, and to be honest it has multiple times but I've chickened out. Take it at your own pace and above all do it when you feel ready and everything should be fine. And welcome to EC!!
