Howdy! newbie here

Hullo, everyone! This looks like a great supportive group ... hope to make some real friends here.
I apologize in advance for any lack of brevity or coherence in the following post.:eusa_doh:

Introductions first, I presume? I'm 36 y/o, gay and have known it forever, married to my BFF (a great gal ... story to follow), father to 4 children, active (for the moment) Jehovah's Witness (more story to follow). Those are the biggies, but other personal trivia: I'm a voracious reader and have JUST (like 2 weeks ago) discovered M/M romance (great stuff! and how come no one ever told me about it ... oh wait, yeah ... closeted ), self-educated pianist of no mean talent playing all things classical and no things jazz :icon_wink , speak multiple languages, (spanish and the international language of love!) accomplished cook (and eater!) and just in general a great guy to be around! (haha @ self-interested self-promotion)

Here follows the maudlin meanderings: (feel free to skip to the end, there's no sex till then anyway! ha)
I was born in a VERY small town to a VERY active Jehovah's Witness family. Hopefully I'll be able to talk with someone else who is or was a Witness, because there are some very individual problems associated with that. I look back and realize how early an age I knew I was gay, but my big epiphany came in the 3rd grade ... such a cute brunette boy I had a crush on, and I wrote him a secret note in class ... and then belatedly realized what a blunder I had made! Of course, between the small southern town and my uber-strict religious upbringing, I had NO exposure to any gay culture at all. In spite of this, when I finally came to a full realization of being gay, I did what would be now be called a coming out to my mother. "Mom," as I cry and weep (and gnash my teeth), "I think I might be gay." I can't even look at her. Yawning silence. And then, finally, "no." that was it ... haha! Just "no" ... and after a bit, "you're just confused because of being abused." Which of course I wanted to believe too. So, I began repressing as much as I could, reading about the sin of homosexuality in Witness literature and eating everything in sight! (Did you know that pushing food into your pie hole makes you forget your feelings?? It doesn't really, but don't say I didn't try it :bang: )
Witness literature of course condemns homosexual acts as an abomination and expressly forbidden by the Scriptures. As advice to those who have those aberrant feelings, one article recommended marriage as being the only way to ultimately conquer those emotions. So, being a good and obedient boy, I looked around to see who I'd want to spend my life with and chose the girl who was really my BFF. (see?? old people can use cool acronyms as well!) We both agreed that when we were ready we would marry, she was considerably more excited by the prospect than I was.
When I was nineteen, the family moved to a larger metropolitan area, and the Waldenbooks in the mall carried Playgirl magazines. Yay! penises! er ... penii! (that's the plural right?) It was really my first exposure to anything even approaching pornography. Of course, my conscience was anxious to flagellate me, so to cure my aberrant behavior, I also shoplifted some Playboy magazines (yes, I'm ashamed to say I didn't purchase the magazines, I shoplifted them right out of the store due to my own embarrassment) thinking that maybe if I jerked off to naked women it would cure me. Well, I had trouble getting it up ... that's when I knew it was really serious.
At 21, I was finally obligated to marry even though by this point I was not at all interested in her sexually -- I just had no way to get out of the situation I was in. I literally made myself sick the week of wedding worrying about the sex. Cut to wedding night -- Me: let's not do anything until you're completely ready. I want you to be completely comfortable. There's no rush. Her: Now! hahahaha Anyway, thank goodness she was aggressive about it and that I was able to perform. And funnily, all those years of reading romance novels fantasizing about the Scottish brawny barons stood me in good stead: I know what to do to make her happy sexually.
After marrying, we got the internet and omg there are soooooo many penises on the internet!! (again ... why did no one tell me about this?? lol) So, 4 children later and many many many hours of internet pornography ... here we are. I'm woefully depressed (on meds) in pain (from back injury compounded by emotional issues) in therapy (the ONLY person that knows I'm a 'mo) and trying to figure out how to move forward.

Thanks for reading.

(!) <--- I just put him here cause this may be the most awesome emoticon of all time! plus ... bananas look like penises ... did I mention I like penises? **sigh**

 

Thx for taking the time to read and respond all. I appreciate very much the support and kind words of welcome.

Jim -- It's amazing knowing that others have gone through the same things and figured out a way to the other side. Congratulations!

Inside -- Yup ... horny and repressed pretty much sums it up! and if I can't laugh at my problems I'm definitely gonna be crying ... I thought humor was healthy? I have been with a man ... just to be sure it was what I wanted, and... oh boy was it! I think I'm just trying to figure out how and what to do with the minimum of pain to all involved.

Nycguy -- wow! I was hoping to talk to with someone else about the Witness experience ... were you raised as a JW? and you said ex ... do you have unresolved feelings about it? I can't wait to pick your brain!