This thread is a two-part deal. Basically, the last person in my household at school is pretty religious (or at the very least sheltered). Grew up a Mennonite, still follows through with church and all that despite being at school, etc. etc. He isn't exactly publicly vocal about his faith, but he's been pretty damn sheltered for most of his life. Point of reference: he wouldn't kiss his girlfriend in public for fear of it being inappropriate. So, of course, he's got some reservations about homosexuality. I don't care too much what he thinks of this to be honest, but this is the first time that my coming out would (potentially) have an adverse effect on the rest of the household. As an absolute worst-case scenario, he might decide he can't live with us and bail on our lease. At the least, he'll probably make things awkward for a while. Because of the ramifications my telling him would have on my other friends, I was pretty set in that I wasn't going to come out to him until after our lease got signed. Now, we're mostly there (and he did sign, though it isn't set in stone), but it appears as though it isn't going to be all wrapped up for another month or two. It sounds selfish, but I'm getting tired of waiting; he's the last one holding me back from just being 'out' at university. So, do you think it would be unfair to everyone else to come out to him soon, putting the stability of the household at risk? And secondly, like I said, I really don't care a whole lot what he thinks of my being gay. I'd probably be a little hurt if he couldn't deal with it, but we weren't super close to begin with, so I could get over it. That being said, I think I'm going to go in with the 'this is what it is, no big deal' attitude when I tell him. Good idea? That way I can avoid the whole 'this is against my beliefs' conversation, hopefully, since I don't think I can even argue about my being gay or not. Oh, and if anyone has any tips or advice on how to handle this, it'd be much appreciated. All I know (from help of his now ex-girlfriend) is that I need to make it very clear I'm not hitting on him.
Hi there! If you don't care as to what he thinks, and if you are getting tired of waiting, why not just treat everything as if he already knows? When you talk with your other friends, just be open about yourself. If he can't deal with it, that's his problem, and this is something he has to come to terms with. And should he bail on the lease, just get someone else in there, who would be willing to share. An ad on campus will do the trick. Be out at university.
...that's a good point. For whatever reason, I guess it never really crossed my mind to not formally tell him. I suppose it's just because I decided from the start that I was going to sit down and tell my close friends, and then he fell into that category because he's living with all of us. To be honest, I think he's probably oblivious enough that he wouldn't pick up on it if I'm being subtle, and I probably won't be super forward about it since I haven't gotten that comfortable (publicly) with it yet. Also true. Like I said, I really don't care much what he thinks, and by that I mean if he were to disagree with it, it's not really any skin off my back. The lease bit gets a little more complicated... long story short, we had 2 rooms to fill since December, still have 1 left since January to fill. We split the cost of the last room 5 ways so that we could re-sign, but we'll all need to sign again once we find a last person (so we can pay our normal rent instead). So, even though it's kinda done, it still kinda isn't. Not to mention he has a friend who's interested in the room, and though he seems like a chills guy, they're also from the same small town, and met through school and church. Big assumptions, but it could lead to leaving us stuck with his room and the almost guaranteed filled last room. Point of that was is that in my typically considerate nature, I see it like this. My friends/housemates have been nothing but awesome through all my coming out worries and stuff, so if this is the one part of it that might genuinely affect them, I feel obligated to be equally considerate of their concerns. I'll probably ask them, but I know they were excited to get the lease all done and over with. I figure it's the least I can do (a combination of reciprocity and showing my appreciation).
Hi there! Given what you have mentioned... .... why not talk to them beforehand, and inform them as to what your plan is. Maybe ask them as to how they would feel, if you would either talk with him, and let him know, or act as if he already knows. Like this you let them know, and also you give them a chance to have some input. You already know though that you have awesome friends and who have accepted you for who you are. My guess is that if he responds negatively, or tries to make life difficult for you, your friends would probably not stand for it.
I probably will, I just need to work up the nerve to do it. I know they don't have any problems with it, but I feel like a whiny teenager whenever I irrationally worry about things like this. They've already jokingly told me before that I'm being silly for asking things like that. I just don't want to step on any toes; I made it clear when I came out this wasn't going to change anything, but I've been looking to confide in them more and more, and worrying irrationally more often (or at least more visibly) too. Yeah, they also made it clear that they'd stand up if needed. One offered to sit in when I told him if I wanted, which was nice. I have no doubt that no matter which way it ends up, I'd be fine and they'd have my back... I just don't want to screw them over in the process.
So, I gave in and just asked them (with my tail between my legs a little bit...), and the results were pretty much 'you should be the one to decide' and 'we'll support you either way, doesn't matter too much to us'. I suppose that's good, and I suppose I'll tell him soon. Just to get it all over with. That being said, anyone else got tips on what I need to say? So far all I've got is: - I am NOT going to be hitting on you just because I like guys and you're a guy - I've been gay the whole time you've known me, you just didn't know. This doesn't change anything, you just know a little more about me now. I'm going to be the same person.
Has the roommate ever made any anti-gay comments? Have you seen him react in a negative way when gay people are around, or represented on tv? Is there a chance that you are not giving him enough credit? I have had teachers that are Catholic and gay, and open about both. Not all religious people are anti-gay, those folks just make the most noise and sell the most papers (so to speak, i know there are no newspapers anymore, but you get my meaning) Also, what do you hope to gain by telling this person? You may not have to spell it out for the person. You can just live the way you want and let him work it out. Some people come out this way - letting the other person come to the conclusion at their own pace.
Hi there! It's really great that your friends are that supportive, and allow you to take the route with which you feel most comfortable. Honestly, I don't think you need to say anything. Don't make it bigger than it is. Chances are that if you treat it as something like an everyday thing, the more inclined he might be to listen, if it does come down to talking about your sexual orientation. I would just go into this as if he already knows.
Oh, definitely. He isn't very explicit in his dislike for homosexuality, mostly because he doesn't 'preach' his religion at all (nor is he a confrontational type), but it's very evident he is at least incredibly uncomfortable with it. We had an openly gay (and slightly flamboyant) guy who would pop in from time to time, and nearly every time he was around, my housemate would leave, or at the very least evidently shell up. Another friend (and his ex-girlfriend) both took a philosophy class, of which homosexuality was the main topic for a few lectures, and because he wouldn't dare say it to the class, he would try and defend his stance on why it's very wrong to her (who of course, disagrees completely). Needless to say this happened a few times, always in private, but she always tore him apart for being so close-minded. So, I can't be sure if he actually dislikes it or not because it's what he believes. But at the very least, it is so deeply ingrained in his belief set from living in a small, religious community that he doesn't know how to deal with it otherwise. I don't really hope to gain his support or anything, since I know that's unlikely to happen (though, if I could change his opinion of homosexuality just by being myself, it'd be a nice bonus). My general plan was tell close friends -> tell less close friends -> be unofficially 'out' at university -> tell family. He's not really a close friend, but he's in the circle of less close friends (we all are), so I can't really make it public knowledge without him hearing. We all (~20-30) lived together first year in rez, so we made a FB group to keep in touch ('cause we're cool like that), so I figured I'd make a short, nonchalant post there to let everyone know. So since I'm announcing it (though not making a big deal of it), I guess I owe it to him to tell him a little better than that, since we live together and of everyone, it would more likely be a big deal for him. So basically, by that 'plan' I had intended to follow, not telling him is holding up the rest of the progress. I also want to be out on Facebook eventually, so again, he'd hear one way or another. Not to mention I was a leader for Welcome (frosh) Week, so I want to set a good example for all my first-years. I remember last year (my first year) that I kinda wished I knew someone I could talk with, and even though I'm not sure I would have had the courage to reach out, if any of them are even remotely struggling with sexuality stuff, I want to be able to offer an anonymous ear willing to listen The only problem with this is that by nature, he tends to be pretty unobservant and oblivious to the world around him. The slightly flamboyant guy we knew who I mentioned above, my housemate had no idea (while most of us pegged him from the get-go) until someone (his ex-girlfriend) had to spell it out for him in private. At this rate, given the general reactions I've gotten so far of nobody really pegging me as 'gay', he probably won't figure it out until I actually manage to bring a guy home, which I don't think is really fair to him... strictly because if I was in his shoes, I wouldn't want my supposed friend bringing something so deeply against my belief system to light by having it as blatantly in my face as it could be.
Hi there! Given that your friends support you and have already mentioned to you that they would be find with whatever you decide, then try sitting down with him, and talk with him. From what you have said, he might feel uncomfortable and might need a bit of time to adjust his own thoughts and perceptions, but might eventually be okay with it all.
(hopefully) One last question: What would be the 'least threatening' place to tell him? It should be relatively private, but if we go to my room it might be awkward for him, and if I go to his room then he's 'trapped' for lack of a better word. I'm thinking go for a walk maybe? Also, thanks for putting up with all this... in case you haven't noticed in all my time here, I worry needlessly
Hi there! Yep, you could go for a walk with him on campus or in nearby park. You could also try the living room or in another common area in the house? If that doesn't work out, may try the nearest Starbucks or coffee shop, during a time when it isn't all too busy. Buy him a coffee/tea, and start talking with him.
Sweet. Well, I asked him if he'd be busy for the rest of the night or not, but haven't heard back yet, so we'll see how it goes. Also, is it beneficial for me to approach it knowing that he has reservations, or should I just treat it like every other one (i.e. it's gonna go fine)?
Hi there! You have a pretty good idea as to what his reservations are, and how he might see things. When coming out to him, or talking to him, try to speak a bit to the reservations that he has as well. Hope it goes well!
Maybe make sure you have someone to call up if he totally makes you feel bad. Based on your later posts you sound pretty confident in yourself, which is amazing. Keep that strength no matter what he says. Let us know how it goes.
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-stories/58454-well-went-well.html#post1010478 You asked, I told. I guess thank-yous are in order guys. So, thanks.
