I'm new here so I hope I'm doing this right. Alright so my problem can be summed up shortly by saying: I'm a girl and I'm dating a boy, but I'm not sexually attracted to him, and I'm only attracted to girls in that way. Please read the rest of this post for more info! Alright so I'm in my high school graduating year, small town. I've known I liked girls since grade 10, which is also when I started dating my current boyfriend. I thought the girl crush was a one time thing, but it wasn't. Either way, he's the sweetest guy ever and I love him, but for atleast a year now I've been feeling lost. I've told him everything I'm telling you guys. I really feel something is missing and that ever since I admitted I liked girls, last year, I've felt less and less attracted to him. Its not fair to him, and we've discussed taking a break but he doesn't like the idea. I value him so much but I'm starting to be unsure of its romantic or friendly feelings of love Another point that I should mention is that I could never seen myself coming out to my family, as bi or lesbian. They accept my cousin, he was outed as gay by a friend before he was ready, so you'd think I'd be fine with telling them. But I'm not. I'm sure mom would say It was a stupid phase, and she'd never believe me. And my poor grandmother would be heartbroken. I have lots of lgbt friends and supporters but family is important to me. Also, all my friends I have told them I am bi I feel so torn and hurt and confused I feel like I'm drowning in guilt and shame and everything... Any help would be great, thank you.
Hi! Welcome to Empty Closets! It sounds to me like you are a lesbian, and you know it already, so I don't think we need to spend too much time on that. "I'm only attracted to girls in that way" is really pretty clear. So, it's really best for your boyfriend, as well as for you, if you break up with him. He doesn't think so, because he's in love with you, but the longer you stay with him the worse it will be. He will just be more and more attached to you, and it will ultimately not work out. It's fine that you aren't ready to come out to your family. I think it's something you will want to do someday, but it doesn't have to be particularly soon. I think you should work a little on self-acceptance right now, and in a little while maybe see if you can make friends with some other lesbians. Eventually, that will usually lead to you being more comfortable with yourself, and then you will want to come out. But it's okay not to have gotten to that point yet. We live in a homophobic society, and it's natural to feel shame and fear about coming out, even if your personal family is known to be accepting. Are you going to college next year? Where are you going to school? If you haven't chosen a gay-friendly school, look into transferring to one as soon as you can. Seriously, it will be no good for you to go into a homophobic environment. At a good school, you should have access to counseling services that will help you with self-acceptance, and maybe an LGBT student organization where you could make some friends.
Hey welcome to EC. My family are supportive of gay people and I knew they would be ok but coming out to them was still one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. As Ianthe has said it sounds like you know what you are but you are scared and that is only natural, I think first of all you need to end things with your boyfriend, I understand that its difficult but its not going to get any easier and I think once you have done this you can concentrate on your journey. At least you have already come out to your friends as bi so im sure they can all support you on your next part of the journey.
Thank you both for answering! Yeah I figured breaking up would be the only choice... I've known him since I was little though and I couldn't bear the thought of not having him in my life. He's one of the closest people to me and I wish there was a way to make this easier, so that he isn't so hurt... He even offered to give me a break at university, then get back together but I just don't like the thought of being with him romantically. Also I'm going to university next year, and I made sure the city was gay-friendly and there's even a lgbt and friends community at the university. I'm excited to meet new people and to be myself for once! But it's a bit scary, and I'm always nervous around new people, unfortunately. My friends support me all the way, and none are homophobic thankfully! But yeah, I know my parents would be fine atleast in time. I'm sort of wondering if I should wait until uni or until/if I ever meet someone. I know it'll be harder if I trow it at them all at once though. My friend, who came out to his anti-gay dad left him a note and stayed at a friends to give his dad time to think. I'm also thinkingabout this way, someday when I'm ready...
You sound really close with him, of course you can't bear the thought of not having him in your life. But breaking up doesn't guarantee that. It sounds to me like you're really close just as friends already, that wouldn't necessarily change. You said you've talked to him about all this, so he would understand why you can't continue the relationship in this way...so he'll likely not be angry or upset to the point where you two cannot continue to be friends. Just from what you've written, I really do think he can still be in your life after breaking up. As far as coming out, going to a gay-friendly city and university is a very good first step. Being able to be open and honest about it there will help you with coming out to friends/family, if you make the decision to do so. Just don't feel rushed into anything, it's important that you feel comfortable every step of the way. Good luck!
Thank you, Nemo39122. Yeah I see what you mean. I'm hoping he will still be my friend I'm sure it'll take time, but I have a feeling he won't hate me. I'm scared of hurting him, but it'll only hurt him more to hang on, right? And we have all the same friends, so I'm a bit scared of being alienated as well... It's happened before... So I'm wondering if I should wait until before we go to separate universities or do it sooner. I'll talk to him about this too. Yeah I'm in no rush, I have a lot of time. At least I hope so. I can't wait to get out of here. And not sure if it's relevant, but could thyroid problems cause lack of sexual attraction? I just was diagnosed with an overactive thyroid, so now I'm a bit doubtful again. It's hard to fin much info on these things.
