Sorry for the long post. I'm having a great deal of trouble trying to figure out exactly what I am. I've never really given any thought to it until about two years ago, at which point I just assumed I was like every other guy. I had a girlfriend at the beginning of high school, though we never did anything sexually, which I just blamed on our shyness. That lasted about four months, at which point she just stopped talking to me altogether (a nice Christmas present). I was depressed after we broke up, considering we were also friends for a year before that. One day, I actually decided to put some thought into it, and decided...maybe I'm not like everyone else. In fact, when I decided that, I was actually thinking to myself, "How did I not see this before?!" I realized that even though I enjoyed being with my ex-girlfriend (however brief it was), I never put much thought into having "sex" with her. By the time I was in my last year of high school, all of my friends had crushes. I didn't. I realized I never payed much attention to the girls. I just selected a good looking girl in one of my classes and pretended I was crushing on her to shut my friends up. At that point, I began thinking about relationships again, because I was kinda missing the cuddling, etc. Problem was, every time I thought of myself being in a relationship, first thing I thought of was a guy. Another thing is that when I watch gay porn, I get hard almost instantly. When I watch straight porn, I do get hard, but I feel it's mostly because of the guy. From this, I more-or-less worked out that I was gay. Here's where I start losing myself... I'm friends with a group that consists entirely of about 10 guys with whom I hang out almost daily, and I don't feel sexually attracted to any of them. I've always felt comfortable around them as friends. If I meet some good-looking guy, I'm comfortable enough to talk with him, but it feels like I almost immediately "friendzone" him, without even putting thought into his sexuality. If I see a random hot guy walking down the street, I feel almost too guilty to check him out. Now on the other end of the gender spectrum, I've always felt kind of....awkward around girls. Much like my straight friends who are still virgins, I shy out around them. Sure I can strike up a conversation with a girl, but I don't feel nearly as comfortable as if I were talking with a guy. If the conversation goes remotely sexual, I sort of freeze up like a typical shy straight guy would, as if I'm considering that I would have some sort of sexual potential with them. From this, I sort of change my personal label to being bi. The thing is, in my mind, I want to do the exact opposite. I've never really felt much of a desire for pussy, if any. I can appreciate the figure of a female; I recognize a "hot" chick, but could never really understand what my friends are thinking about when they see a hot blonde walk by, or why they keep staring until distracted by something else. I basically look at a hot girl, notice she's hot, but it pretty much ends there, and I forget about her. This is enough to change my mind back to being just gay. If I see a hot guy walk by, I notice he's hot, look away, and kind of lose my train of thought; not necessarily thinking about him, but of gay sex in general. Strange thing is, I'm more turned on by thoughts of male-male contact, penetration, making out, and that stuff than the mental image of a dick. I mean, the dick helps, a lot more than the mental image of a vagina, but I'm just not 100% crazy about just a penis, like I feel I should be if I were actually gay or bi. Another thing is that whenever I get called out on it by a parent or someone like that, I retreat to a sort of straight-mode. For example, two days ago one of my best friends gave me a sort of friendship ring as a belated birthday present. I've been wearing it since then, because hey...it's a thoughtful present...why not wear it? My brother noticed it, and (jokingly, I'm assuming) said, "Nice GAY ring you got there." My dad (who isn't too accepting to gays in general) turned around and immediately said, "You're wearing rings now? Where'd you get that?" to which I responded, "A friend gave it to me." Because I consistently hang out with a group of guys, he said, "Not a BOY-friend, is it?" I just told him it was a birthday present from just a friend. That's not really a problem, because it was the honest truth. But ever since then, I've been thinking to myself about this whole LGBT thing again and it feels like I'm forcing myself into thinking I'm straight again. My thoughts on my sexuality change on an almost daily basis, depending on what I'm exposed to; be it porn, people, conversations I overhear, conversations I'm part of, places I go, or just about anything and everything. I suppose it also doesn't help that, having become self-aware of this back in early grade 12, and being almost finished my 1st year of University, I haven't told anyone about it. I feel too fearful to reach out for help in a non-anonymous way. I think most of my friends will be accepting, but I feel that I'll be either criticized or treated differently in one way or another (miss out on parties, etc.), if I don't completely lose them. My University has a LGBT support group, but I just don't want to participate in that right now. I know my dad wouldn't be okay with it if I did decide to tell him, and I'd risk losing my home (which I need, because I'm forced to pay for my own tuition), and my mom, however accepting she might say she would be, has a fairly religious background, a big mouth, and a lot of family contacts shared with my dad. So far, everyone in my group of friends is convinced that I'm as straight as they are. Other than pretending to like girls, I act as normally as I would around anyone else with them. I'm not a homophobic closeted gay/bi. I tell my friends that I'm cool with gays if the subject ever does come up, though I just act as clueless on the subject as they all seem to be. I keep telling myself that I'll tell someone, but only when I figure out for sure. I want to overcome my shyness and lose my virginity, preferably to a guy so I can see how I like it. However I don't know how to discreetly find any local gay people, plus I've heard that most gay men apparently aren't interested in getting with closet-cases, and I'm still afraid it will somehow backfire if said guy thinks I "should" be out.
I feel as if I could have written this post myself. It sounds as if you're asking a few questions: 1) Am I gay or bi or straight with curiousities? - Personally, I'm beginning to loathe labelling because I've got nearly the same questions in my head. Nobody can really tell you, but they can steer your inner evaluations to help you conclude. Personally, every time I've concluded I'm gay I'm immediately reminding myself about some of the same things you say for yourself - want to cuddle with women, but desire men. I've recently been really introspective regarding my 'sexual attraction' toward women. I rarely have an instant attraction, and when I do it's usually because she has more manly features - broad shoulders, squareish jaw...I have had women I've become, over time, sexually attracted to. My very few friends I'm out with feel that this whole behavior of mine is due to being 'terrified of straight sex' since I've only had gay experimentation as a teen. I want to believe them, but, I also question them back wonder that sex with a woman would just 'masturbation' per se. Should I tell my friends? - Do what you're comfortable with. I can say that the 4 people I've told so far, though absolutely scared shitless that they'd reject me (even though I logically knew they wouldn't), were so very caring and accepting. The trick to me is absolute honestly. It's ok to say "I don't know". When I finally told my best friend just yesterday I was, and am, very very uncertain of the future. Will I date women but do so as bisexual? Will I date guys? Should I just stay single? All of these things are on the table. The nice thing is, at least I have people to talk to about it. At least I can quit coming up with excuses and be honest if I do get into a relationship - guy or girl. Again, be 100% honest, cut the BS, cut sugar coating, be factual. I think that made it practically a slam-dunk for my 4 conversations I've had so far. By the way, have some water when you do it - you will verly likely get a bad case of cotton mouth What about my family? - Again, same boat. I think my family would be accepting, but I think it would break my very devout catholic mother's heart. Truth is, once you tell one person, you have to be willing to accept others may, even by accident, find out. There's nothing wrong with not telling people - you're personal life is your business. The only time I'd say that you should be actively preparing for your family to find out is if you persue a relationship with a man. It's just not possible or healthy to hide that forever - they will eventually find out unless you just have nothing to do with them. It's best, in my opinion, to do it on your terms than the terms of fate. What about my well being? - I, unfortunately, don't have much to say here. I'm in a different period of my life and have been well on my own since graduating highschool. This is probably bad advice because it prolongs emotional pain for you; but, I'd say if you rely on the hand that feeds you and you're concerned it'll go away, it may be best to keep things to yourself or at least on the DL until you can rely on your own hand. Hope that helps.
Hey! Well, first off, you are gay. Without a doubt. Mentally you haven't quite gotten there, accepting that you are indeed gay, and that seems to be limiting you going forward. Your background is a lot like mine. Lots of straight guy friends and really comfortable with them, a couple platonic "girlfriends" in high school, but absolutely no crushes or romantic ideas about women. Sure gay guys can notice girls are hot, just how we notice puppies are cute or sunsets are beautiful. What makes us gay is not just noticing guys and their bodies and personalities, but also our desire with them to cuddle, make out, date, fuck, have relationship, etc... Like you I didn't find any of my friends "hot" because I kept that idea away. But once I started accepting that I was gay, I'd started paying much more attention to cute guys. Especially the baseball player two doors down in my freshman year. First true crush and a good friend that year, lots of shared meals and basketball games, but unfortunately straight. A few other points: like you, I have no desire to see a dick. I mean I'm not repulsed by it at all, far from it, but I only care if it's part of a guy and I need to see that guy in totality to have any desires. Also you mention at the end that you are worried that most gay men don't want to get with closet cases. I don't think that's entirely true, and where it is true it has to do with relationships rather than a hookup. If you just want to have an experience or two, I don't think your closeted status is gonna stop anyone looking for the same, they just need to find you
You don't need to hook up with a guy to figure out if you're gay or not. I'd say that based on what you've shared, you're gay. Coming to terms with that and accepting it is your next best step. Hanging out here is a great way to get your head around this. Being gay is OK. It's cool. We're an awesome bunch of people - and many of us were in the same place you are in right now - so we can relate to how you're feeling. It's natural for you to have some fear around this. But most of us have found that the coming out process is better than we expected or feared it to be. Depending on the guys you're hanging out with, it shouldn't make any difference to them. You should still be invited to parties and such. If you're not, then you'll need to find some new (real) friends. THEN you'd want to visit the LGBT clubs / groups and see what they might provide. Come out on your own schedule, when you're comfortable doing so, to the people you're comfortable coming out to. It doesn't need to be a 'big bang' kind of thing. You've come to the right place. Keep talking about this and mulling it over. It will become more clear the more you talk about it.
I just want to thank you for this post. Since ive started comming here reading stories like yours has really started to help me understand my situation. I feel allot like you do and as I read more and more Im beggining to realize that im just in denial. I always thought that being Gay was so black and white. You are or you arent, however after hanging here for less than a month, just talking to people and reading their stories, Im realizing that things are so much more diverse, as Im sure you will begin to realize soon aswell.
Hey, thanks for the post. Your situation is very similar to mine in terms of having mostly guy friends and being awkward around girls lol. I am going through something similar where I decided that I was gay but am now questioning my range of attractions. Basically I am trying to figure out where women are on that spectrum. For example, I watch a good deal of lesbian porn and can get turned on by the female figure (though not really vaginas). At the same time the idea of intercourse with a girl doesn't do much for me. Things like these confuse the hell out of me and has led me to dislike labels. Despite those feelings I decided to come out to my close friends as gay and intend to focus on actually starting a gay relationship.
Wow. However confused I might be about all of this, I personally thought I was kind of coming to grips with being either gay or bi. Guess I was wrong. I wasn't aware that I was so far off from accepting myself until I read that, and realized I was actually kind of offended. I understand that was not the intention; I guess I've just never been called gay in a non-joking way before... That's one part that I'm also confused about. If I'm gay, then should I be as "noooooo thanks" about vaginal sex as, say, a straight man would be about fucking or being fucked by another guy? Because I'm not. I feel like I could make love to a girl, however it doesn't seem as...natural to me. It feels like on a woman, there's something missing. I just prefer the shape that a man's junk adds down there. On a woman, it's just too flat for my liking, kind of like on a barbie doll. It's just lacking. Empty. That said, I'm not disgusted by the thought of going down on a woman. I'd just prefer the alternative.
That's exactly where I am in thinking. I will say, one thing I've heard over and over here (which I'm learning is very, very true) is what would you find fulfilling? There are tons of twinks in gay porn who are otherwise straight but give / get blow-jobs for money. They can 'go down on a guy' because they're paid to do so. I'm not at all attempting to cast doubt on your thoughts to being bi - I get a little defensive when the same doubts are cast on me. You should be very introspective though and be as open and honest as you possibly can with yourself. Also, know that your thoughts might likely change with your mood - mine do... a lot. You should do yourself two favors - first, promise yourself that you'll be honest with yourself and anybody you make a committment to. You're a bit younger where it's perfectly OK to be in a relationship for 6 months, even a year and check things out - it's part of dating. Just don't be the cause of a tragic and potentially wasted life partnership with another person because you stayed with that person, married, bought things, and so on, only to finally admit what you may have realized within the first 6 months of the committment and call it quits because it's not working. In other words, whatever you choose to go with as you find out about yourself - be adult enough to call it quits the second you realize it's not what you're going to want for the rest of your life. You owe at least that much to your partner, no matter the gender. Second, take a moment to imagine yourself on a self sustaining resort. You own it. It's your own country, impervious to invasion or the outside world. You have your own sovernity. you're mega-rich every possible thing you could ever want is there and the entire place is staffed by robots who have no opinion, can't speak and don't even have human looking faces. You can share this island with one person, the hostest, cutest guy you've ever known or the hottest, custest woman you've ever known. There's nobody there to judge - your friends and family don't even exist. Society doesn't know you even exist - your money ensures that....picture yourself with this person at your current age. Picture yourself with this person in 10 years. Picture yourself with this person at 50, 60...who would you choose?
That's a good scenario. I have thought about something like this before. Not necessarily the island, but who I would find myself attracted to down the road. The thing is...much like the typical 19 year old, I'm finding myself much too picky with who I do decide I would fuck. Both in men and women. I'm not really into hairy guys, but I suppose I can make do with it. But also, like I said before, although I'm not into pussy, I can imagine myself making do with it as well. I know I need to start lowering my standards for starters, that's for sure. After putting much thought into your scenario, though, I have come to the conclusion that...I'm still not sure. Two years ago, I never pictured myself having sex with a guy. Now it's more or less all that I think about. However, like the majority of my straight friends, I'm not into MILFs. I'm also not into DILFs, for that matter. I know there are a lot of men and women that age beautifully, but there are also a lot of that age rather horribly (no offense to them). It would also depend on how emotionally attached I would be to said person, whoever they may be.
I didn't come to terms with my orientation until I was 35. By that time I had been married for 9 years. She was my first sexual partner, so I think it was always OK because sex with someone was better than sex with no one. (Although I remember being jealous of her being able to perform oral sex on me - thinking that it looked way better than me performing oral sex on her.) I'd say we had a pretty good sex life. I think she was satisfied with it - and I just didn't know better. I certanly wasn't "nooooo thanks" as you put it. When I finally accepted that I was gay and could feel good about it, I had absolutely no interest in sex with women. I consider myself gay - not bi. Despite having had a physical relationship with a woman for over 10 years.
I can kind of understand what you're saying...Except on the other side of the spectrum. Me being physically a female etc. Was kind of confused about myself and then a friend told me that I seem more Pansexual when it comes to relationships. I did the same in highschool and after. Had a few really akward, didn't go anywhere, relationships with guys and all that. But most of my friends have always been male, few female friends. I'm still trying to figure it all out. It might just take you some more time.
I have many male friends. Isn't it supposed to be a typical thing for a gay guy to have many female friends? I have very few, and I'm not close to any of them. I feel like I have very little steering me close to the female gender as a whole, not that I have anything against girls. Like I said earlier, if I happen to meet a girl, I almost feel like I could have some sort of potential with them in bed, and I can be friendly with a girl regardless of that, but I just don't feel like my life requires much female influence or companionship. I'm thinking that my parents divorcing when I was 9, and the fact that most of my father's girlfriends since then have been kind of...crazy and almost irrational with the way they think (see the "girl logic" memes on Reddit for some strikingly similar examples) could have something to do with this. Could this maybe be scaring me away from the gender?
