1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

The Ability to be "Happy"

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by TLM12512, Feb 23, 2012.

  1. TLM12512

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2012
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    This is only my second post on EC. Im still learning. But I figured with all the members that someone out there might have some advice for me, or has been in the same situation. I live a straight lifestyle, really into sports, like to workout and chill with my friends. I am attracted to my friends however. I have fallen for my best friend, and this isnt the first time ive fallen for my best friend. So i guess I have to questions:

    1. How to get over my best friend, I know he is not gay, and I still get jealous when I see girls come up to him and stuff in the bar, I want to stay close, but I need these feelings of being in love to stop.

    2. Is there any discrete way to meet guys like me? I know to some it might sound fake, but I would love to just continue my straight lifestyle, and have that one dude I care about. I want them to act straight like i do. Any advice?


    Thanks!!!
     
  2. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    Hi there, and welcome to EC! You've come to the right place.

    I want to correct one false idea that you seem stuck on. That the 'lifestyle' that you're living is a straight one. Because it isn't. It's A lifestyle. YOUR lifestyle. The fact of the matter is, you ARE gay, yet you like sports, hang with your friends, go to the gym, etc. There's nothing stopping a gay man from having that kind of a lifestyle - because you're gay and you're living it. NOTHING would need to change if you were to come out.

    Now, to answer your questions.

    I think the answer to number 1 is to figure out number 2. But it's hard to do with this notion of a straight lifestyle, so I'm going to ignore that for now.

    There certainly are ways to meet other men on the 'down low' / discretely. You'll likely find that the people interested in being in a relationship with you under those circumstances are other people who are in the same circumstances. You'd both want to keep the relationship a secret and not talk about it with friends, family and coworkers. Then there's no expectation from either of you to go to company picnics or family dinners. You'd both be happy constantly filtering out that part of your life when you talked about what you did over the weekend or what you did on your vacation.

    (And yes - it does sound rather fake and superficial to me. As someone who did eventually come out I'm glad I did. I don't have to filter anything. And my husband is much like me. He plays sports, likes cars, has a professional career - and is out to his friends, family, and coworkers.)

    Where to find such a guy? Online ads. Be clear about what it is you're looking for and you'll likely find someone who fits the bill.

    Just be warned that it might not be long before you realize that you want more out of a relationship - and that you want to integrate that relationship into other parts of your lifei.
     
  3. Marlowe

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2011
    Messages:
    245
    Likes Received:
    0
    Crushing seriously on a straight friend is the worst. I know all too well. It gets in the way of a normal friendship, and is totally pointless. First of all know that you are not alone. I think many of us get into this position, because a close friend is in many ways like a boyfriend-lite, and in the vacuum of the closet we wish it could be more. Time is the only cure, that and finding a real relationship. You may feel the need right now to be in the closet, but if you come out the reality of a real gay relationship will be more tangible and will begin supplant these fantasies.

    I am a little confused. Do you want to remain in the closet with the pretense of being straight while having a boyfriend? Because I can promise you that will not work out well.

    Here is the thing, though, you don't have to give up who you are which I guess you would describe as normally masculine in order to be gay. I think of myself as a guy who happens to like other guys. That being said, I don't mistake the fact that no one thinks I am gay and that I don't meet the stereotype for the fact that I am in fact attracted exclusively to men. Part of the coming out process is becoming more comfortable with yourself that you can be masculine or normal or whatever and gay. You don't have to go to gay bars. The gay people I have met, I have been introduced to through friends or through LGBT groups that are organized first around an interest I have. For instance, there are a ton of LGBT sports clubs and many of them are quite serious. I also contra dance, and I attend dances that are LGBT, but we are there to first dance and we just happen to be mostly gay people, which is nice because we meet people who share our interests.

    Right now you shouldn't yet focus on a relationship. I did that for a while because that is really all being gay is all about and you just want to skip to it like all your straight friends and such. But I think it really is important for you to be comfortable with yourself as ultimately, having a boyfriend will require you to come out whether you like it or not, especially if you seem straight, and your confidence in who you are as a masculine gay man or however you think of yourself will be really important then.

    This a lot to think about, but I'd be happy to chat some more. Just shoot me a message or whatever.
     
  4. nycbiguy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 7, 2012
    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hey what's up man. I'm a bi dude and I recently found exactly what you're looking for and im currently in my first dl closeted relationship.. I started a thread looking for some advice that you might find interesting. Check it out.

    As for your best friend, I'm not sure dude. I started to crush on a really good friend a few years ago and it sucked. It didn't help that he would send some really questionable signals (always asking for hugs, texting me first thing in the am to wish me a nice day. He woukd get really jealous when i brought girls around. Once, while i was in my boxer briefs,he even told me that he would fuck me if we were in jail) After getting really close I realized that I didn't even like being his friend anymore so the feelings just randomly stopped. We havent spoken in 6 months but its all good now. I guess im lucky that my feelings for him turned into dislike so it was easier to pull myself away from the situation.

    As for guys - I met my guy on cl and I'd suggest you check there for what you're looking. Just be careful yet honest. Let them know exactly what you're looking for from the beginning. Its not easy to find closeted guys that are open to a dl relationship, but they're out there. Finding one will be exactly what you need to get over your best friend. Good luck man. Hit me up if you wanna chat.
     
  5. TLM12512

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2012
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Thanks for all your guys responses, it really does help that I found this great site. I like to hear these opinions because they are coming from people with experience. I guess I would want to live a closeted life at this point if It was on the dl. I dont care how that sounds cause it is the truth, maybe down the road that opinion will change and when that time comes Ill cross that bridge. But for the time being its just tough to figure out how to get rid of these feelings for my best friend with out totally cutting off the friendship..
     
  6. erik851

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2012
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I strongly share your sentiments. Am right in your situation and know well how it feels. Am so discrete and not ready to come out to my best whom i've known for 5years now. I've had a SERIOUS CRUSH ON HIM since we became buddies. This guy has never had a serious chic and has never had sex with any chic that I know. Whenever I seek to hang out with a girls he either blocks it or gets mad on me. Am so confused!! How can I save myself from even these persistent thoughts of him???? HELLLLLP!!!