Well. Hello, EC. I stumbled upon you guys when looking for answers and hoped you'd give me one. It all started watching an episode of Glee. Yes, I know, superficial right? It was with my friend, and a Santana/Brittany bit came on. I was just watching it, and then...something changed. I felt weird, and a kind of...longing. Like I wasn't just thinking how cute they were together, but how I wanted to be one of them, to have that kind of relationship. Since then, things have kind of spiralled out of control. I've never had a boyfriend, and the one boy who ever asked me out turned out to be doing it for a dare. It's always been a sore spot for me. But recently, I've found myself looking occasionally at girls, and wondering what it would be like to be with them. I've even felt a slight attraction to one of my friends once. And it hasn't only been happening lately. I was reflecting on this almost constantly in the past week, and I can recall times when I've done the same thing, or stumbled on lesbian porn and found myself enjoying it down below. Now, you might think this would be enough to class me queer. However, everything I've gathered on the subject seems to be about how people 'just knew'. The thing is, I don't. Although I have an attraction to girls, it's not all the time, and it's not all-consuming-it'll be just a quick flash of 'Daym, she's fit!' and then I'll just feel wrong again. Even so, it's the same with boys, and it's been a while since I felt anything for a guy. The thing that worries me the most is the future. I still sound pretty gay, but every time I feel like coming out, a thousand new worries come flooding into my head. When I think about spending my life with either sex, I feel kind of nauseous, like my stomach is ripping in two. I feel lez one minute, and a straight as a ruler the next. And what if I came out, and it just turned out to be a phase? It would be like squeezing toothpaste back in the tube-when you come out of the closet, you can't just jump back in again. People would just think I was doing this for attention. Just thinking about it as I write this makes me feel guilty. I feel to scared to talk to my parents about this, and I almost told one of my friends, but I couldn't get her alone and I've gone off doing it since then. ...um. Wow. I've written quite a lot. Anyhoo, if you manage to get through all of that, I would be really grateful for your advice, ass going it alone's been kind of sucky. Thanks EC. Over to you. :dead:
It's not necessarily superficial. I think a lot of people first have some sort of realization about their sexuality when they get a chance to see it somewhere. It seems, from your post at least, like a lot of your anxiety over this comes from long-term thoughts - so, you're not bothered by watching a Brittany/Santana scene on Glee, or lesbian porn, or seeing a girl you like, but rather buy thoughts of coming out, or spending your life with one person in particular. So, as a short-term solution and a chance to give yourself more time to adjust to this, why not try to avoid thinking about long-term issues like these? In the meantime, if you find some cute lesbian porn, let yourself enjoy it. If someone asks you out and you like them - guy or girl - let yourself enjoy that. The more of an opportunity you give yourself to explore the feelings you're actually having in the moment, the clearer your overall thoughts on your sexuality might become. Finally, welcome to the site - hope you enjoy it here.
Gravity- Thanks so much for your post, you've helped me clear a little bit of space in my mind Hopefully things will get clearer for me in the future.
Hey welcome to EC, to be honest you sound just like me when I first joined EC, although I may have been even more confused. I also assumed people who were gay 'just knew' but this was certainly not the case for me, and this made me even more worried and confused when it came to accepting it. The problem when you go to tell someone is that however much you think you have it worked out in your head, when you come to actually tell someone you get a million new concerns and doubts in your head and thats because whilst its just in your head or on a forum on the web you can almost just ignore it or push it to the back of your mind and forget about it but when you tell someone its like a leap of faith it becomes real. I also started to realise my attraction to girls whilst watching tv programs with female couples in them so I dont think its stupid at all.
silverhalo-You've pretty much described how I feel right there. XD It's good to know I'm not the only one who was confused. :3 Thanks for responding, it's good to hear opinions from other people.
My advice is always short and suckish, but I'll give it a go. Don't try to force a label on yourself. So what if you're lesbian, or straight, or you're not sure? It'll just come to you later in life -- you don't have to try to force everything upon you right now (if that makes sense). Enjoy life and ignore the thoughts you're having. Follow wherever the path takes you. And don't worry. You'll find out soon enough. And if anyone asks and you want to tell, you can just say you're queer or unsure. No big deal. I hope I helped. ^^
CrystalRaindrop-Nah, it's not suckish ^-^ I'm just relieved to hear from people who know what I'm getting at. I'm just gonna try and ride it out for now, and see where it gets me, I guess. Thanks!
Having a fear of coming out is nothing to be ashamed of. What I would do is find someone who you really like and trust and tell them that you're gay and then gradually work your way out.
There is a study in social psychology which tested homosexual arousal between genders. Women were shown pictures of other women (naked and such) and the vast majority of them became aroused, even the ones who self labeled straight. A much lower percentage of men became aroused to same sex photos which typically correlated to their stated sexual orientation. So I guess my point is, checking out other chicks and even becoming aroused by them is quite normal and socially acceptable as well. You may find men have it much more difficult in this regard. How much of the results are socially conditioned, how much is natural? There are conclusions but you have to do your own homework, just keep an open mind and don't become obsessed with labels because "they stick", as Oscar Wilde pointed out in The Picture of Dorian Gray.
Glad I could help, I know what its like to be where you are now, if you ever want to talk feel free to post on my wall.
