1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Who am I and why can't I ever be comfortable?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by zzzero, Feb 23, 2012.

  1. zzzero

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2009
    Messages:
    779
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Boston
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So, I started going to therapy last week, I'm hoping it helps, but I want to share the way I'm feeling with you guys.

    I'm a senior in college and I feel like I should have a more firm grasp on who I am.

    Everyone else tells me I seem like I have a great deal of confidence and I know exactly who I am. However, I just don't feel that way. I am so lost as to who I am and how I come off. It just makes me feel really uncomfortable. It's even really hard to talk about because it's such an abstract feeling.

    It's an uneasy feeling that I don't understand who I am and how my actions affect others. I would never imagine doing something like getting a tattoo because it's so permanent. I always think, well what if I wake up and realize that i hate my tattoo. I feel like I can't guarantee myself to be one thing or another. My brain is constantly thinking of all the possibilities of everything, and often those possibilities include who I am and who I could be.

    The first meeting with the therapist went really well. I told her that I'v always felt uncomfortable showing who I am through my outward appearance, and she asked me what I would do if it didn't matter what anyone else thought of me, and I told her that I really don't know. I don't know what I'd like to look like, and it's easy for me to look at others and judge whether they look good or not, but I can never imagine myself doing any of those things.

    All my life I'v been affraid to do things that are unexpected from me or different from my usual. When I was younger, I wanted spikey hair. I NEVER asked for spikey hair, I was always really embarassed by the thought of asking for that kind of haircut. It never necessarily felt like a fear of people not liking me. People always tell me that I seem very confident (even my therapist said so) but I think it's just because I'm confident that I will always be this person that I dislike.

    It's as if, like being gay, I was born into not being able to express myself. (I go to art school, and the only way I'v been able to express myself have been through art and design). I feel like I have just accepted that this awkward uncomfortable feeling is apart of who I am and I'v learned to just deal with it instead of changing it so I am comfortable. This is getting harder and harder to deal with though. I feel uncomfortable at any thought of describing who I am because I just really feel like I don't know and I don't want to put anything on paper for fear of that being permanent.

    It's almost, unlike being gay, that I have a choice in the matter, so it's even more difficult than being gay ever really was for me. At least the gay thing I have no control over and it makes me happy, but this is about who I am. I don't dress the way I'd like to because I don't think anything looks good enough on me and I'm scared to make a big change for fear of it becoming who I am I guess.

    This is really hard to write about, so I applologize if it's not making sense. If you have any tips for me, or any questions about what I wrote, please feel free to ask.

    I'm sick of feeling like I'm in crisis mode because I have no idea who I am and I'm leaving school where I should have figured it out.
     
  2. Toneth

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2011
    Messages:
    298
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    northeast ohio
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think its good that you've started seeing a therapist, sometimes its nice to just be able to express the way you feel to someone with indemnity, and sometimes they can offer an insight that we might have overlooked. aside from that, try doing more things just for yourself to make YOU happy, and build on it.
     
  3. Marlowe

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2011
    Messages:
    245
    Likes Received:
    0
    I recognize in some ways the same feeling in myself that you are describing. I think there are a lot of different reasons for this feeling. As for myself, I think it had a lot to do with being in the closet. This forced me to hide who I was and how I felt. After a while, this reflex becomes ingrained, the reflex to fit in and not rock the boat. I think a lot of my journey out of the closet has been unlearning that reflex. Of learning to share how I feel with others, of letting myself be silly, of not caring what other people thing, of being inwardly confident about how I am and in how I relate on a personal level with other people. For years I have wanted to buy a pair of bright blue pants, and now finally I feel comfortable enough to do it, if I only could find a pair. I think it is really easy to appear confident despite inner conflict. No one ever suspected that I was suicidal or depressed. People have always told me I have a good sense of self. I think it is really easy to get very good at smiling at the right time and cracking the right joke.

    I definitely think counseling is a really good choice. It has been something that has been invaluable to me. I think the benefit of the experience is that by talking rather than thinking you articulate a lot more clearly how you feel. You might feel a little frustrated at first, but that's okay. It takes practice to be truly open. My advice is to take therapy seriously. My therapist gives me homework assignments -- sometimes to think and write about a topic, sometimes to reflect on specific things that happen like certain social interactions, and others are to do something.

    Its rough being in this position, and I hope you continue to do great work with your therapist, and that over time you get a better sense of self. If you want to talk some more or have any questions about my experience feel free to shoot them my way.
     
  4. NotYetOut

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 7, 2012
    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Edmonton
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I know how you feel, hard as it is to imagine. Im almost the exact same way. The part about the spiky hair got to me though, I actually did that when I was younger, I really wanted spikey hair but never got it becuase i constantly fear what others think. Same with how i dress and act. I havent been coming to EC for very long, but in the little that Ive read and the few times ive talked with others, ive begun to realize what the above poster has said, learning to unlearn the refelx as it were. I think that if you continue counseling and continue to talk to the people here that both you and I will figure it out.
     
  5. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Ugh. I just wrote a long post... and the server burped and completely lost it the one time i forgot to save before posting. I'll rewrite it tomorrow, sorry :frowning2:
     
  6. zzzero

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2009
    Messages:
    779
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Boston
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I look forward to seeing what you have to say Chip!