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Gay or bisexual.....that is the question!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by MrJayfroo, Feb 24, 2012.

  1. MrJayfroo

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    Hello, I'm an 18 year-old male.
    I think I'm gay, I usually look at men and fantasies about men, but I have never known for sure if I was gay. However, recently I have felt sexually aroused when looking at pictures of women and when think of women,but not as much as when I do the same with men. So I'm not sure if that could just meen I'm bisexual, I know that you can have these kind of things but it meet nothing as well, so I'm very confused. I think I'm more likely to be gay, so I have kind of told my self that I am gay, I think partly because I just want this uncertainty to go away! Maybe this has caused me to dismiss attractions to women that I had before, and I'm actually bisexual?

    I'm a bit dyslexic, so sorry if the message a bit disjointed.

    Any help would be much appreciated, thank you.
     
  2. Artemicion

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    From what you've written, I'd think you're either gay or bi with higher leanings towards guys.

    My question is...is the arousal towards women just starting to happen now? or has it ever happened before in the past?
     
  3. MrJayfroo

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    They have sort of been there before, when I was in the mind set of "I don't want to be gay", I tried to take any remote attraction to women as a sign of not being gay, so maybe they were not real attractions, just ones made up subconsciously to reassure me that I was straight.
    However, the ones I'm feeling now can't be subconsciously made up for those reasons, as now, I would rather be gay.
    But then, I think I would rather be gay because then I would know what/who i am, and I wouldn't be constantly confused.
    But any attractions I have towards women are not very strong.
     
  4. TyRawr

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    Very confusing indeed,

    Many people question this on their process of acceptance. One think that I often refer to is the 5 stages of loss. In this case it would be the loss of your identity as a not-straight person.

    ignorance-I dont like men
    anger-Why the fuck do I like men?
    bargaining-I like men, but I dated a girl once.... That makes me straight, or maybe bi?
    depression- I like men, and nobody will love me. I will be unhappy forever. Nobody understands me.
    acceptance-I like men, and I am ready to start my life as a gay person (the point where you come out to yourself).

    Perhaps you are somewhere between bargaining and acceptance?
    I know I went through this process also, where I also had convinced myself I was attracted to women, and in-fact had sex with some women. It does not mean I am any less gay, just that I had a harder time accepting it. But one thing that I often catch myself not being considerate of is that sexuality is not a definite answer, it is a spectrum. As you get more in touch with yourself you will be able to more clearly identify where you fall under that spectrum.

    Perhaps the question you need to be asking yourself is how you can love yourself and accept yourself and appreciate the outcome no matter what. Because I think if you can truly do that then all of this will seem much more clear :grin:

    I hope that helps a little,
     
  5. TruffleDude

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    @TyRawr here we go again :wink: (!)

    @OP, from what I remember from Queer Studies courses in college, 10% of people fall in category "0" and 10% fall in category "6". That means the other 80% are in the middle.

    This becomes even more fun if you think about the factors that constitute attraction and labeling: social identity, self identity, sexual attraction, emotional attraction, romantic attraction....

    I find that everyone will define you somewhat differently if you really sit down and talk to them about it. I think that the label you choose to use is not quite as important as how you define that label - what it means to you specifically.

    In other words, what does it mean for you to be (insert label)?

    I personally do not like labels because I find them to be restrictive, and they can lead to unconsciously "following the herd". Kind of like: I identify as ____ so that means I have to behave like other _____ , by buying the same clothes, listening to the same music, etc etc.


    [​IMG]
     
  6. Holmes

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    What ultimately matters is that you're not straight. Don't think of gay and bi as exclusive categories. I call myself gay, I am for all intents and purposes, but very occasionally, I'll find myself attracted to a girl, and five years ago, I did have a decent relationship with a girl. It doesn't mean I'm not gay.

    When I knew I wanted to come out, I didn't use either word, I just told a friend of mine that I had a crush on a mutual male friend of ours.

    I don't mind labels myself, in this matter. I see the word gay as applied to myself as like the word short. I don't think just because I'm short that I have to listen to the same music as other short people. As to clothes, I don't share a fashion with other short people, but we do have a common problem finding clothes in our size!
     
  7. biAnnika

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    Yeah, my question for you is whether it matters whether you're gay or bi...and if it does, then why.

    If/when it sounds good to you to have sex with a woman, you can try that. But until then, it sounds like you're mostly drawn toward guys...so go with that feeling...until/unless it changes. It's certainly ok to be in a relationship with a guy, and still find some women (or pictures or porn) arousing...it doesn't mean you have to sleep with women.
     
  8. kunglaomksm

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    Why does it matter anyway? Don't put yourselves in the general terms of being "gay" "straight" or "bisexual" these are just terms to identify our sexual orientation. I myself considered myself "gay" but there are instances woman parts(no offense for the ladies) aroused me. That doesn't mean anything. I just know that there is more of a possibility I'll fall IN LOVE with a guy than to a woman. We're still young my friend and after we get older I'm sure the right person will tell you what your true feelings are.
     
  9. Ianthe

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    The problem is not that he doesn't have a neat little title for himself. The problem is that he is confused about what his feelings are.

    If he understood what his feelings were, he would know what word to use to describe them. The words "bisexual" and "straight" and "gay" and so on are terms that we use to convey to others what the overall pattern of our sexual and romantic feelings.

    It's very strange, and it can be upsetting, when you don't know how you feel. It just seems like something you should be able to know.

    MrJayFroo, I think that you are still at least a little bit in denial about something regarding your sexuality. But it's impossible for me to know whether you have been repressing your feelings for women because you are in denial about being bisexual, or you are manufacturing them because you are in denial about being gay.

    However, you are sure about liking guys. I think it would be fine to identify as gay until such time as you meet a real, eligible girl you are attracted to enough to go out with. If you do, you will be able to say honestly that you were surprised, too.
     
  10. cscipio

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    I think part of why this question pops up constantly isn't necessary confusion and avoiding labels but trying to balance what a person physically wants, emotionally wants, and the future that person perceives himself most happy in.

    For me, it's a question of - I know for a strong fact I like guys, but, have some attraction toward women. Without the argument of right or wrong to bow to social norms polluting this particular thread, I perceive the most happiness in my life with a woman. Perhaps because society dictates that, perhaps because I'm deluded....who knows. Long story short, I think this post comes up over and over because a person is really asking "I think I like the opposite gender enough to give things a try, what's the chances of my success? Can anyone offer advice on having a healthy relationship under these circumstances?" MrJayFroo - I'm sorry if I'm misinterpreting your question.
     
  11. MrJayfroo

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    Thank you all so much for the replies, I have moved on quite far since making this tread, I have come out to my Mum and soon will come out to the rest of my family/friends.

    It's good to know that there are other gay men who sometimes get aroused by women

    I think I was manufacturing (or exaggerating) them because I was in denial about being gay at first, then when I had more or less accepted that I was gay, it switched to repressing your feelings for women because you are in denial about being bisexual.

    Also, I think the labels are useful to the extent that it means that other people can easily know where you are.

    Once again thank you, you all were a great help.