I don't know why....maybe its just dealing with this indecisiveness, but right now I just wanna breaks something. It's just that feeling that there's too much anger for your body to hold, but you don't know why. Ya school is stressful, when isn't it, and ya it's stressful thinking about the whole "am I transgender" thing, especially since I got outted to my parents before I was ready to talk about it and before I'm even to say one way or another to myself yet....but I don't get why I'm this angry right now
You got outted. It's understandable that you have pent-up anger due to that. Heck, I blew up when I was plagued with much less significant issues. When I'm angry, it helps when I pour my emotions into my diary. If you keep a diary, then add a long angry entry. Or, if you're comfortable with telling your story here, by all means, go ahead and continue ranting here. Despite being a newbie, I think this is was EC is for - support. And you seem to need it badly.
I think after I vent this out I'm just gonna try and sleep...see if that helps... So before I get into the bigger details, I just need to say that I've been working on several different assignments for varying classes, as well as a few essays. I've also been making resumes/cover letters/ job applications, and dealing with school applications and student visa applications. All this stuff has been piling up on me this week. Then to top it off, because I was stupid on facebook, and my parents creep my account, I got outted for possibly being trans. Again, this is all in the same fucking week. I've heard the term transgender a lot in the past, but never really applied it to myself, though I know I always liked how it sounded for some reason. Than a little while ago I actually asked myself, "well, what if I'm transgender?" After that a lot of stuff started clicking (I think) as far as why I had the thoughts that I did about stuff, explained some different dreams/fantasies. So I got stuck in that whole "am I transgender? I don't know, I don't wanna mess up" because I know it's not exactly an easy path. So I started speding some time looking into trans and finding out what I could about it, started coming to terms with some things, coming 'further out' if you will. So I went to see a counselor about this stuff, told him what I could. And that same day I fucked up. As I said before it was thanks to me being stupid on facebook that my parents found out. So what do they do? They drive to my school to talk to me about it. I didn't appreciate that. Because as soon as they left, I started thinking, "Okay, it's just a phase" or "eh, maybe I'm just a really feminine guy." But after everything I had thought before that the two patterns of thought don't really mix. So for some reason, I just keep arguing with myself about how it'd be so much easier if I just forgot all about this and pretended none of this even happened in the first place. Amd that also made me mad because...well I don't know why that made me mad....and not knowing why makes me even madder and so on and so forth. To top it all off, I've always had minor appearance problems. I never like to stick out to much, never like to go against what's 'in' even if I don't like it. I never did a lot of stuff I wanted to do because of how people would think of me. I know I shouldn't care, and i try not to, but I can't help it. So that isn't helping this whole shitball either.
I understand your frustration, that's a lot to happen is a short time. The samething happened to me, my folks finding out due to my stupidity. I was angry at first but then I realized that they were just being my parents and I would be even more pissed if they did not care and just ignored "it". I was just beginning to question my place in the world and I did not know where I fit in and it made me think.... I have started dating again and that is helping me confirm who I am. It helps to hold that someone you like/love and the feeling you get helps confirm if this is what you really want. Don't rush into anything otherwise you might regret the long term effect this will have on your life.
Hi there! Even though you seems to have made some progress, and started to think about being transgender or at least about your gender, and whether or not you are comfortable with it, your frustrations and anger, are perhaps also a manifestation of the fact that (and once again) that you are trying too hard to find something that you can hold on to and having a magic formula that will give you all the answers. Unfortunately, life does not work this way. Life is a bit more complicated. At some point, you will have to let go of having been outed. At some point, you will have to let go of your anger (directed at yourself). All of this makes things even more difficult for you. Why not just try to say to yourself: "you know what? Shit happens! It happened and there is nothing I can do about it! All I can do is to continue to figure things out for myself, to understand and come to terms with my feelings, and to work things out." Remind yourself that you are doing the right things already. You are talking to a counselor. That is already an excellent first step. Take it one day at a time!
Well said... "At some point, you will have to let go of having been outed. At some point, you will have to let go of your anger (directed at yourself). All of this makes things even more difficult for you." and just as Forest said "It Happens".
If someone would loan me a bulldozer and a flamethrower, I would be happy to help you with the paperwork. It am beset with sympathetic annoyance that you aren't being given peace and solitude to sort out your little mindfuck. Post-mindfuck care requires some meditation time, so I thoroughly support you taking the first reasonable opportunity to say something unpleasant and disappear for some cool-down time. It is a stranger's support, but it is what I have to give. I wish the best.
I know what it's like to be so angry that you have no damn idea what to do, and it sounds like you have a lot on your plate, but it's definitely helpful that you're doing your research to help you figure out who you are. About the appearance problems, I'm the same exact way. My advice to you about that is to be comfortable with who you are, because it's you, and you deserve to be that. Try finding little things that you like about yourself, and that'll help you slowly begin to feel comfortable with yourself. For example, I love my eyes, and that little detail is what's helping me become more confident. Also remember, never give up, never lose hope, and love like hell. It will get easier, as long as you keep your head up and keep trying. I know it's not much, but I hope it helps
As the reason I joined EC was because of my sexuality and not my gender, I don't know if I have much say in this, but... My advice would be to first, calm down a bit. Relax, drink a little bit of tea, meditate, whatever helps. Try to let yourself escape reality, even if it's just for a few minutes. I know you're very very busy, but... even the shortest minutes help. Once you've done that and you're all refreshed, remember that you're doing the right thing. Like Mirko said, you are already talking to a counselor, which is a great thing. And take it one step at a time. You'll get there -- I promise. Remember another thing. Mistakes happen. We are all human, and so are you. Humans make mistakes, which 90% of the time are quite stupid. But they happen, to everybody. What you did on Facebook was just... a mistake. Don't try to be so hard on yourself. It's okay. And so maybe your parents do know now a bit early, but they're your parents. It's okay. Finally, remember that your work is top priority. Don't try to let this transgendered business destroy your life. You'll figure it all out when the time comes. I promise. I hope I helped.