Tomorrow my dad is visiting for among other reasons to talk about me being gay. He recently sent me a three page letter comparing my sexual orientation to his confused love life when he was young, e.g. he dated a Peurto Rican girl against the expresses wishes of his parents and hers. He thinks I am confused in general, like he was, and basically the gist I got from the letter is that he thinks I need to see a psychologist to work out some problems. I wrote him an email telling him to at least candidly admit how he feels since this was couched in supportive language in the letter: His two sentence response was that he was open to all possibilities and that I should "get off my high horse." I am about to blow a gasket. This is his stupid self involved self righteous BS again. The letter didn't mention a single time that it might be alright if I were just this way. I feel really angry right now, and I don't think this will be a good way to start the conversation, but I don't know how to deal with him.
he did say that he was open to all possibilities meaning that after he thinks you appropriately vett this gayness that if it does come down to you being gay than he is open to recieve and deal with that and accept it but he thinks you need to fully explore this before singling in on this for yoruself. as far as the high horse comment, that could be in reference to the way you wrote things and all the big words. it almost sounds as though you are talking down to him and basically telling him, "look, dont give me all this run around, just say what's really on your mind and cut the bullshit.". but it is said in a very lofty high brow way that could come off as condescending to the reader.
^ I agree with all of the above. I also agree with your dad, I think you need to get off your high horse. If you had sent that response to me, after I wrote a three page letter trying to work the situation over in my mind within the only frame of reference I had that even came close, it would have pissed me off. Your response to him reads as very rude and condescending. These sorts of conversations are not suited to letter/email/whatever, as there is so much room for misinterpretation. Just talk to him.
this reminds me of a show i saw this week about kids coming out to their parents. this one girl hadnt talked to her dad in 3 years because she had issues with him divorcing her mom and leaving the family. anyways, he flies in to see her and they sit down adn talk and she hits him with the fact that she is gay. it happens out of the blue. the dad looks shocked and doesn't say anything for a milisecond. the girl immediately starts telling dad he is not accepting and that it hurts her that he doesnt have anything to say and the dad is like, "ok, i haven't spoken to you in 3 years beccause you refuse to talk to me and you just hit me with this and expect me to have something to say immediately". i mean literally he did not even have a minute to gather any thoughts before she layed into him. when the dust settled he told her he loved her and he supported her and that he would have to get used to it and it came as a surprise. she was happy. my point is, she really had all these expectations from her dad of him immediately accpeting within seconds and having all the right things to say and when he didn't, she layed into him pretty strong. it sounds like your response to dad's 3 page letter was teh same way. in 3 pages dad was just trying to express what he could express and it was probably a lot for him to write and then you layed into him with your response. when you meet, i think you should apologize first and just tell your dad this isn't easy for both of you and you want to apologize for your response to him. you are just frustrated and tryhing to sort things out yourself and you apologize if it came off like that in your response. then you shoudl just talk from a place of how you feel and why you believe you are gay. dad may question it and say you are confused and suggest u seek professional help and then you guys can talk from there. if u are not confused and you know you are indeed a homosexual then you can tell dad that you have been through this internally and you are certain you are gay but you are open to talking to a counselor to help you feel ok about yourself.
I'll echo the comments thus far. I didn't find your email response to be that offensive, but it clearly comes across as your being a bit hurt. And... hey, I don't know if he's offering, but if somebody offered me the opportunity to see a therapist and I didn't have to pay for it, I'd take them up in a nanosecond... as long as I got to choose the therapist Everyone, but particularly anyone LGBT, can benefit from therapy. I don't think he's necessarily being unsupportive, just remember that you've been dealing with this for a very long time, and he's (presumably) just become aware of it. So expect that it is going to take some time. And I think if you do apologize and just try to listen and be open, he'll do the same.
I'll also add that I have no idea what your dad said in his original letter, but with that being said, I'm working on the assumption that he is at least trying to come to terms with what you've told him, which is more than can be said for a lot of the parents of LGBT folks when they come out. Mine initially told me I was going to hell and threatened to drag me to a psychiatrist by force. I agree with Chip - if he is offering to give you therapy (legit therapy, not reparative therapy) there is no harm in accepting it. If nothing else, it will only affirm what you already know, and will give you an objective third person (with a degree!) to say, "Yup, I've talked it over with your son, and he's definitely gay."
when he said you were going to burn baby burn, how did that make you feel. do you believe in Heaven and Hell and if so, what are your thoughts about homosexuality acts being a sin in the bible and your ability to get to heaven if you are practicing those acts? this has always been a sticking point with me. sorry for digressing but i wanted to know.
Well, at the time it made me feel like shit, not to put too fine a point on it. I spilled my guts to my parents, surrendered my deepest secret to them, made myself absolutely vulnerable to their judgement, and they cast my heart in the dirt. It made me question unconditional love and the innate goodness of humanity. I know how dramatic that sounds, but it's true. I'm a Buddhist. We don't really believe in hell in a "lake of fire" sense. Hell is more like a state of mind. In which case, I've already been there and have come back to tell the tale. Me personally? I believe the only sexual acts that can put you in danger karmically are those which take advantage of and hurt others - infidelity (either breaking your own love vows or someone else's) and rape, basically.
First of all, I’m sorry that my story is not tragic enough to deserve your empathy, or to warrant my anger. Second of all, I come did not here to have my writing critiqued. Third, this is hardly the first time I have talked with him and I have repeatedly asked both him and my mom to be honest about how they feel. At least my mom had the decency to say that at the moment she just didn’t want to talk about it. My dad is playing the soft cop trying to woo me away from my “decision.” Fourth, I am currently seeing a counselor, and my dad is worried in fact that since the one at my university is free it might not be good enough to figure out what is wrong with me. Here are some prize quotes from the letter: “I know there is an idea that you can have a family whether your partner is a man or a woman, but I don’t think it is as easy as it might seem. There is a cost to everything and usually the price is never clear in the beginning” “Do you understand the forces that shape your heart? Is it that you need friendship more than romantic relationships at the moment? Is it that you are uncomfortable with women as romantic partners? Is this just you shyness writ anew? These are questions you need to ask your self.” “My point is this: at the moment I was gripped by what my heart was saying and I could do nothing else but follow it, no matter what. But nothing is simple. What seems like forever is just a point in a long process. I was too shy to act on my passion and by the time I wrote that letter [to her many years later] I understood that the shyness, the paralysis, the unrequitedness was the very point of the Dantesque love of my Beatrice.” Chew on that last one and tell me what it means.
i chewed on it and both of you have very heady hi-brow writing techniques. its good that you both can communication is such written form. at least you both understand each other. unfortunately i am not knowlegable on teh Dantesque love your pappy is referring to. i guess i did not read Dante in school. but what i do know is that he is basically trying to persuade you to look at all options before zeroing in on being gay and possibly dissuade you from it in general. you sound frustrated and a bit ticked off. thats fine. it seems like the convo will go like this tomorrow: dad: are you sure you're gay your making rash decisions and if that's what you want it's going to come with a price tag. you: im gay how come you all just can't either say you support me or dont support me but all this double talk is pissing me off. dad: you need to see a therapist you: what, so they can make me straight??? dad: you're being unreasonable and defensive. you: ........ ok you see where im going. basically just tell pops that you're gay, and you understand its going to be a harder road. you're happy to go to cousneling but you will be going not to determine who you are but to help yourself feel better about thigns. tell him you love him and need his support either way.
In short, it means he's trying to come to grips with what he's feeling about you, and projecting his own regret onto your situation. But nowhere in there is he saying that he doesn't or won't accept you... basically, if you're familiar with the 5 stages of loss (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance), he's bargaining... hoping that something he can say that you haven't thought of can make the difference and make you "straight." And that's pretty normal. For some people it can take 6 months or a year or more, you just have to be patient. Secondly, your response just now comes off as really defensive. No one, in their messages above, has not shown empathy. Nor was anyone critiquing your writing; instead I think the posters (myself included) were trying to help you understand why your dad might have responded the way he did. It's clear your dad loves and cares about you. And it's also clear, at least to me, that he'll eventually come around and be fine with it. But he's having a tough time, and what he needs is gentle, supportive responses from you until he gets to the place where he can be accepting. And... there is something to be said for getting a paid therapist over a free school counselor. Usually, but not always, school counseling centers are oriented toward short-term, brief therapy aimed at very specific issues (stress of college, depression, etc) and the therapists are neither equipped, nor have the time, to do the deeper, insight-based work that can be so helpful particularly to LGBT people. Now... if you have a great relationship with your current counselor and feel like you're making progress then it makes no sense to switch, but don't dismiss it out of hand. Regardless of your dad's intent and/or hoped-for outcome, it's still something you could benefit from.
I didn't say either of those things, actually. Since you didn't post the letter in full, I don't know if your anger is warranted or not. Even if you did, I still wouldn't know because I don't know anything about you and your dad's relationship outside of this post. And I did not say that I don't feel for your position. I do, and I'm sorry if I came across as harsh or unempathetic. All I was trying to do is explain why I think your dad got upset - I don't think he's being self-involved or self-righteous at all. At least that is not his true intention, even though that may be the way he's coming across to you. Sorry if it hurt your feelings, but I don't feel like your dad's response was unjustified. You call him self-righteous, but you're the only one coming across as self-righteous in this situation. It doesn't seem like you're even considering what this might be like for him. Try putting yourself in his place, how it must feel to have your kid come out to you, all of the fears and insecurities that go with that. If he is trying to "good cop" you into changing your mind (which is not the impression I get at all) it is not because he is being a self-involved ass who doesn't want you to be gay because it cramps his style, he's doing it because he loves you and he doesn't want you to be hurt and let's face it, being gay is definitely not a walk in the park - there's hate crimes, political injustice, social stigma, and that doesn't even include the regular issues like relationship problems, which your dad probably won't have the slightest idea how to address because he's not gay. He tried to tell you how he felt, in the best way that he could, and you shot him down. Maybe he hasn't processed the situation to the point that he can tell you flat out, "Okay, you're gay, I'm cool with it," but "I'm open to all possibilities" is pretty damned close to that, wouldn't you agree? ^ He's right. ^ If you are so secure in your sexuality, why do these questions make you so defensive? To me it seems like he is just trying to make sure that you're sure. As far as Beatrice goes, I stand by what I first said - I think he's just trying to process the situation by using his own experiences as a starting point. I don't think he means to be offensive by it, and I actually think the fact that he made a point to send you a three page letter about this is pretty touching. It means that regardless of whether he has addressed this with you directly or not, he is at least mulling it over. I'm assuming by starting this thread that you are looking for the objectivity of a third party, so while I might not be telling you exactly what you want to hear, I hope you can take what I've said for what it is. I'm not trying to attack you, just trying to give you some insight into how to deal with your dad so things don't go badly when you do meet in person.
