... and in other news ...

hey

I can't really find a word on how I feel about the closeted DLs... right now, I'm in love with a guy your age who is currently with a woman, yet he has told me he loves me and he is gay- although he's out to me (and a few others but no one believes him- he built such a strong cover that everyone thinks his gayness is a joke haha good one kind of thing). I don't think he's being fair or true to himself, the girl he is with, or me. We're best friends (but we can't hang out bc the love and attraction is too strong and he knows we'll hook up again, even tho we've had our "last hora" (3 times now).

I don't have any real advice for you--because at this point someone will get hurt. I never think cheating is the answer and that's probably where your guilt comes in bc I'm sure part of you loves your wife who probably has no idea.

I recently came out that I like both and I've dated both- and no one cares 99% of the people in my life only want to see me happy and don't care how or who it is that does that. Most had a feeling anyway and were waiting for me to admit it to myself or be comfortable enough to say it.

IDK if this helps you. :/ sex and love are complicated

 

I don't pity you or feel sorry for you. I think it's great that you are getting your needs met without having to leave your comfort zone (except for feeling guilty afterwards), but you're avoiding a big part of what it means to come out and become comfortable with yourself. Wouldn't it be great if you didn't have to feel guilty afterwards, and if you didn't have to wait 2 years to hook up again?

I just think you're doing yourself a disservice to avoid coming out just because you can get what you need sexually. You haven't experienced what it's like to be yourself, and I think if you work towards that, you will be much happier. You will be able to have a normal sex life. It's a great feeling to be able to talk about sex in the same way all of your straight peers talk about sex. It's more fun to be gay than it is to be straight. We get to date people we understand and who have the same needs we do.

I think it's fine that you hook up on the DL, but I think you need to be working towards truely accepting yourself as well. Chances are when you hook up you're not getting the full effect of sex. There's a lot of emotional stuff that goes on when you have sex with someone you love, and it's hard to find love if you're hiding who you are.

 

I have to agree with Taylor, I don't feel pity or sorry for you (and others like you) but I do feel compassion. I understand the guilt, the conflict and the fact that you aren't being true to yourself. All of which is draining!!!
One thing I didn't think about when I was in your shoes was what it would be like to have a partner I could be 100% myself with - and vise verse. I was focused on getting my sexual needs meet.
But once you are content with yourself - live is so much better!

 

if im not mistaken, you're married right? i think whether you do or do not hook up, that's your own business but you are in a relationship with someone else that does not know about this i would assume. yes, you want to explore yourself and that's perfectedly normal and fine to want to do this. but in todays day adn age, it can be dangerous out there sexually and also if you are also having sex with your wife through all of this and she is not aware of your activities, you are potentially putting others at risk.

my advice is to take a breather. the sex is only going to be a drug. after the high wears off the guilt will be there and you will want to do it again to feel the high to cover the guilt and the cycle will continue.

i think if you are at the point of hooking up to explore your gay side while you are still married, it is clear you like men. i think the real exploration is whether you want to have a life where you are running and hiding and ducking from cover and living two seperate lives or if you want to deal with the fact that eventually that is going to get old and coudl be dangerous to yoruself and the ones you love.

not judging either way but i think since you are married, it creates additional things to consider. i would suggest reaching out to the married guys on here to see how they handled it and what advice they have for you.

 

Anger.

I think downlows make the gay community look bad, and I feel righteous anger on behalf of your wife, whose intimate trust you are deliberately violating. And with premeditation.

I won't tell you that I think what you're doing is okay, because I don't.

 

i am not in a place to forgive you or hold anything against you. i am not in a relationship with you so there's no need to apologize to me regarding your posts. i do not feel either way about the situation and its ez to say what you will or will not do when you are not in that position so im essentially keeping my mouth shut. i have enuff things on my own to sort thru. good luck,. insidehappyhasleftthebuilding.

 

I'll accept your apology (though it's not my place to do so, as it isn't my trust you've broken). At some point though, you will have to come clean with your wife, and if you want any kind of real contact with your kids, its her forgiveness you'll be dependent on.

I wasn't as disturbed by your attitude in the original post as I was about the fact that you were/are willing to break a sacred oath for a fuck. Sex is nice, but it's not integral to life and in my opinion it shouldn't be held to a higher priority than your integrity.

Most wedding vows I know of include the following: forsaking all others, so long as you both shall live.

In most cases I would agree with you. But I take marriage very seriously - any sort of oath, really - though I know it's almost anachronistic to do so. And if I ever got to a point that I would make a solemn love vow like that to someone, in the eyes of God or not, you could parade Jared Leto and Angelina Jolie in front of me naked with big red bows around their necks and I would not break it.

Marriage vows aren't just the awkward public speaking bit that comes before the big cake and the reception party. They're more on the same level as being sworn into knighthood or given over in devotion to a monastery.

In any case, I wish you well and hope things turn out in your favor.

 

Pardon an interloper's ignorance... But what is a DL?

 

DL is downlow...it's someone who is closeted and in a straight relationship, who has gay sex in secret (without their partner's knowledge).