Hey there, After days of running through these boards looking for answers, I have decided to join and make my own topic. As the title states, I don't really know what I am, and although I know the statement "only you know who you are" applies here, I would love some more insight into others like myself. I began having sexual thoughts about boys when I was 9, but that was only because I had a friend (who was a little older than myself) that...well, it's hard to explain. We were playing video games with another guy and he said something like "if me and you win this round, we have to lie on top of each other naked." I either thought he was joking or had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. Who's sexually aware when they're 9? I sure wasn't. Needless to say we did "lie on top of each other naked" and just sort of...rubbed against each other. I instantly regretted it, though it didn't really stop it from happening again. He constantly initiated it, I just never stopped him. Thinking back, yes, it felt very good, so that's why I probably didn't stop it. I eventually told him I didn't want to do it anymore and so we didn't - we drifted as friends as we were in different school years and that was that. I went on to my final two years of "primary school" (i'm UK, we leave primary school at age 11) "fancying" girls. I even had one "girlfriend" (though you can't really call it a relationship at that age). However, we did kiss in unused classrooms (using tongues), and she wasn't the first girl I had kissed either. Writing this now, I remember I had actually had an almost-experience before my friend with a girl where we basically pulled our pants down and kissed. I'm beginning to make myself sound like a very dirty child, but I swear it was nothing out of the ordinary "play doctors!"-esque scenario. I went onto high school attracted to girls, and had numerous girlfriends. I remember my first high school one when I was 13 and we "made-out" in the cellar of a friends house, and I enjoyed it so much I kept trying to convince her we should go back and do it again. Girls, girls, girls. This continued up until I was 17. However, during one of my relationships with a girl when I was 15, I suddenly thought back to the time of me and my friend rubbing against each other naked and I knew I wanted to do it again. I had fooled around with this girl in the cinema (fingering etc.), however I did end up dry-humping with my male friend after school one night - I guess because it reminded me of how good it felt when I was 9. As you can probably tell, by age 17 I was beginning to question my sexuality because, although I fancied girls, I wanted sexual encounters with guys. When I masturbated, I began to watch gayporn (originally watched straight porn and loved it) and got off to it quite well. I use it to this day, probably more than straight porn. When I was 18, I told my friends I was bisexual and that was that. I thought I must have been - I still liked girls on an emotional and romantic level, I know a hot one when I see one, but the actual sexual attraction had begun to dwindle and I found myself experimenting with male friends when I was 19. I enjoyed it at the time, but after wards I would always feel dirty and defiled. I was masturbating one guy and I hated the feel of his penis in my hand, it felt wrong. I attempted to give him oral sex, but I heaved - though I do have an awful gagging reflex from when I had braces. However, when he gave me oral sex, I remember actually saying "wow" as it felt amazing. In these past few weeks, I've begun to get very depressed about what I am. Romantically, emotionally my attractions lie with females. I want the cliché - grow up, get married, have kids, however I was increasingly beginning to feel like I'm gay, but it never goes beyond sexual attraction. I've never felt anything for another guy beyond that, I can't picture cuddling and romancing with one on the sofa on a Wednesday night...not one bit. Though it's not like I'm itching for pussy either. This part also confuses me, as if I was gay...I wouldn't even entertain having sex with a woman. Would a straight guy contemplate sex with another guy? This is a question I've asked straight male friends and one said "NO. There's absolutely nothing there. I don't like the taste of cucumbers, so I'm not about to eat one." (this made me laugh, hopefully it makes you too). Due to the increasing depression, I told my parents and sister I thought I might be gay. They are all very accepting and still love me all the same, but it didn't fill me with relief at all, probably because I still do not know what I am. Am I gay? Am I bisexual? Am I in denial? Am I saying I'm bisexual because I want to get married and have kids? Did my childhood same-sex encounter corrupt my sexuality? I have no idea anymore, and every second of every minute of every hour of every day the questions plague me. Sometimes I have spells of happiness where I don't care whatever, sometimes I only think about girls, sometimes I only think about boys, sometimes I don't feel attracted to either whatsoever - I AM SO MESSED UP. Please, help me. I'm sick of having days where I don't know what I am, sick of having days where I hate what I think I am, sick of having days where I want to throw myself in front of a train, sick of having days where I think "Once my family have left, I'm going to die alone".
Hi, and welcome to EC. You may not really want to hear this, but based on what you're saying, you're most likely gay. The problem in figuring things out is that our minds play games with us and rationalize in an attempt to try and convince us otherwise, and I think that's what's going on here. I can't tell you how many gay guys, before they accept themselves, describe themselves as "feeling emotionally attracted" to women... but once they accept that they're gay, they realize that what they are talking about is friendship, not sexual attraction, to women. And the oddness you feel when you think about cuddling with a guy likely a part of the social conditioning we all have... society tells us it's "wrong", and so we try to condition ourselves to believe that. When you look at the fact that you keep having feelings about being sexual with guys, enjoy masturbating to gay porn, and have enjoyed it as you are participating, that's a pretty clear indication you're gay. The feeling dirty afterwards is simply a guilt response, again because you've been socialized to feel it's wrong. I hope you'll stick around EC because there are quite a few of people here who are going through the same thing you are, and many more who went through it and have now accepted themselves. I think you'll find it a helpful and supportive place
Hi there, and welcome to EC. When you started the thread saying that you've been reading for a bit and decided to start your own thread I thought "Oh, this will be different." But I'm afraid to say it's not. You're not really much different from 90% of us on here. We've all been where you are. I came to terms with all of this later in life, but the progression was much the same. I had experimented with a friend when we were quite young. I wasn't really much for dating girls, although I thought I wanted to growing up and was just 'shy'. I gradually transitioned to gay porn, but I thought I'd get married, have kids, etc. Because everyone else did. I didn't even contemplate that I might be gay. (Extreme denial.) I did get married. But I eventually got to where I wanted sex with men. But that's all. I didn't picture a relationship or cuddling or anything. Just sex. Because I wasn't gay, I was just 'bicurious' or I was just 'getting it out of my system' because I hadn't 'experimented' when I was younger. But when I couldn't deny it any longer, and I accepted that I was gay, I suddenly could picture myself having a real relationship with another man. It just required me to be open and accepting enough to contemplate it. And then it seemed like a good idea. And I was right. 6 years later I'm now married to a man and happier than I've ever been in my entire life. So hang out here. We're an awesome bunch, and it helps to see that people can be very happy, very satisfied, living very full lives with caring partners - and be gay. The more you see that the more you will be able to envision the same thing for you. You won't grow old and lonely - I promise. Rather than agonizing over this all the time, just try it on for a couple of weeks. You've even come out to your family - but I'm not sure you've really come out to yourself. Consider yourself gay for a couple of weeks, and don't fight it. (You're not committing yourself to being gay for the rest of your life - you're just going to 'try it on' for a couple of weeks.) Allow yourself to check out guys without feeling guilty or dirty. Assume you won't have a girlfriend again, but a boyfriend is a definite possibility. See how you feel after a couple of weeks. See if you've stopped obsessing. See if you feel better. You might then have your answer. But there's no race to figure this out. There's no timeline other than your own. Everyone is different. Heck - I didn't clue in and start to work on this until I was in my mid 30s, and I managed to get things worked out and I feel great! I met a great guy and we're building an awesome life together. It's all good.
Thank you! I will definitely try that 2 week thing, it sounds like a good idea! Though I am scared of the outcome but that's probably because right now I don't like or accept the idea of being gay. I don't want to have a wife and children out of the social norm, I actually want those things, and who knows...sexuality is fixed, so if I'm gay I'm gay and if I'm bisexual I'm bisexual. I've enjoyed sexual encounters with guys and girls alike, I just haven't had one with a girl for a while (not for lack of using straight porn). Jim, you said you thought you'd marry and have kids - did kids happen?
