So, close to two decades living a lie apparently has given me no useful experience in keeping it up. Or maybe that was just my limit. I don't know. Anyway, I'm really, really torn about coming out to my parents (and have been thinking about it almost constantly, to some detriment of my marks, for maybe two months now... it's not just a last little bit thing). So. Background. Me: third female-bodied child of three. Oldest is married, ceremony's this fall. Other is in the military and nowhere near butch. We're all a little rednecky, being raised in various parts of BC and never living in city limits, for the most part (and entirely, in my case) until entering university. Sibs aren't too close to me, and I'm pretty sure I can deal with most of the backlash (and the older sib at least is *likely* to try to hug me for it >.> and I suspect the younger sib's reaction may well be something along the lines of "So?") Parents: Dad is pretty cool. He gets along with everyone. Not really worried about him, but he's a bit of a pushover to the mother. Also, he gets a son and doesn't have to just make do with his new son-in-law. Also, I'm already named after him. Mother is the issue. Raised Catholic. Not actively practicing but still has her head in it. No sisters, many brothers. Parents aren't the healthiest due to their lifestyle choices. She can be quite childish and petulant to the father, and has a hard time changing her opinions. She is the one I am worried about. Seriously worried about; it's coming down to "stay in the closet and possibly ruin education" and "come out, remove all that stress, and risk being disowned and losing all the substantial financial aid of my parents." Timing stuffs: One: My middle sister is graduating and getting her commission (full military stuff, very important) in May. We fly over to her on my birthday. There is a ball-thing associated with it. Dresses and suits are required. The expectation is currently that I will wear a dress. Really not the biggest issue, but if I come out before it and the family is good, the family will expect me to dress masculine. Really not time to make me a kilt and get me all the gear we're having trouble finding for my dad. Two: My oldest sister is having her wedding ceremony back in BC early September. She has already bought dresses for my sister and I. Coming out before the wedding would be rather hard on her because there will likely be some thought about wasted money. I'm honestly okay wearing a dress for the thing (I've done it for years for special occasions, and everyone already knows I don't like them; I am also willing to pay for the clothing change and whatnot if needed). Coming out immediately afterwards or the following month or so would really ruin the mood, and I don't want to do that. My life might be messed up, but I don't want to mess up my sister's (hopefully) only wedding. Three: I move out of province this summer to transfer universities. I do not want to be in the closet there; I want to be able to be myself from the start. However, to do more than 'crossdress,' doctors and the like must be involved, and I don't think my student insurance will cover it all - if, assuming I'm still closeted to them, I can actually convince my parents to not have me opt out of it, thanks to coverage from both of them - so not only would the actual transition side of it out me, but parts of the financial side could lead to some pretty awkward conversations as well. So I've been thinking about holding off to Christmas (assuming that the world doesn't end and solve all my problems before then ). Thing is, I'm having a really hard time, especially when the topic of anything rainbow-related comes up when my mother is involved and she displays either her pity for homosexual men (lesbians and bisexuals are never mentioned, mind, despite my best friend now being out as the latter) or her apparent lack of understanding about transgenderness. I did manage to bring up that last part to my dad privately, and how I feel that she really didn't understand the whole issue of Canadian domestic flights now requiring gender expression to match gender marker, with final decision left to the officer on duty (that being the subject that had come up just recently) and I asked him to try to... educate her a bit on it, since he seems to get and be cool with it, but he had to leave on a trip just the other day and is currently out of touch. So, less the rambling, I honestly don't think I can hold out to Christmas, even if it is the logical earliest time, since it's after the sister things and is after I'm out of the house. So now I'm sitting here in the middle of the night, when I work tomorrow morning, trying to keep my computer dry and hoping that there is some good solution to this mess Also, tl;dr is understood. I just always try to cover everything >.>
Having read all this, I can understand you feeling confused and conflicted. But I think you're combining way too many issues together all at the same time. At least it seems like it to me. Coming out and letting people know that you're transgender is one thing. Starting the transition and starting to present yourself as male is another - isn't it? Couldn't you come out as transgender anytime, but still present as a girl for your sisters' wedding and graduation? I think you've got more important things to think about than finding a kilt for the graduation or wearing a tux at your sister's wedding. Just take one thing at a time. You've said yourself that you're not too hung up over wearing dresses - so wear then a couple more times for 'old times sake'. I'd think that you'd need to start into counselling and work through some stuff before you actually start to transition - so this will take a little while. Once you've come out you'll feel better. That will help with your grades and with your relationships at home. Then again - as I'm not transgender - I might be totally off base here. Forgive me if I am.
The problem with garb for the occasions is the familial perspective, and being told "if you are this then you shouldn't wear that." My family is quite vocal, and with the personalities involved... it's likely to be hard enough for some of them to take me being me without the awkward transition phase where they know but don't see it, and so have the opportunity to ignore it. My mother in particular excels at disregarding conceptual, intangible things. Thank you for your comments, though Even if you aren't in the same position, merely hearing from someone is helpful, and someone with experience makes it all the better.
