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First Ever Relationship- Overwhelmed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by JudasKissedHIM, Feb 25, 2012.

  1. JudasKissedHIM

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    Hey all,

    So I've been dating this guy for almost two months, but we only made it official about two weeks ago. The thing is I really like him because I feel I can trust him. He's not like most gay guys that would fuck around behind my back...

    On Friday I went with him to his friend's house party and afterward I went home and he went to a gay club with his friends (which I'm fine with because I trust[ed]) him. Saturday he told me how much fun it was and stuff. I also mentioned my one friend was also there. That's when things got a bit weird...

    He told me how his girl friend kept chatting up guys and sending them over to him and that he basically had no control over what she was doing and he had to 'defend his wickets' the whole night. This really freaked me out a bit and I asked my friend, that was also there (my BF doesn't know him), if he saw my BF but he said no he was too drunk to notice anyone. He also said I shouldn't stress about what went down and that I'm just freaking out because this is my first ever relationship...

    OKAY, so that was yesterday. This morning I was texting my BF and he said he was stressed, when I asked why he told me he and a guy kissed on Friday, but it didn't last long and whatever. I don't even know the whole story yet because I said I don't want to have the conversation over the phone.

    I'm just really sad now. I really like this guy. Is this cheating? Do I have reason to be a bit sad?
     
  2. kunglaomksm

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    I'm no expert in relationships and stuff, but if he feels stressed about the kissing another guy and telling you about it then you and him should talk about it. But of course don't get too messed up with it or don't judge him based on that one action. Of course you have the reason to be sad, we're all humans after all and it's a first relationship for you.
    What I know is from you said, your boyfriend likes you too and don't give meaning to the kiss, it's YOU he like and not that guy because he feels guilty about it and he had the guts to tell you about it. Just talk to him and get his side of the story. If he really likes you, I'm pretty sure he's more hurt than you.
     
  3. Ianthe

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    I think you should find out more about what happened before you get too worked up about it.
     
  4. maverick

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    I think you need to set some boundaries on what cheating means to you (and him), and have a very candid discussion with him about it. And I think you need to get the whole scoop as well.

    ^ I think he has a lot more control over this than he thinks he does. It isn't that difficult to say to one's friend, "HEY, stop trying to hook me up, I'm in a relationship." If his girlfriend is really his friend, she wouldn't be trying to damage his current relationship by tempting him into a cheating situation.

    I wouldn't judge him based on this one incident, but if it was me going out with him, I would begin to sense a slight precursory pattern in this whole, "Oops, I got drunk and screwed up" scenario he's got going on...I think my trust would be on shaky ground, but as an INFJ I'm a bit suspicious/jealous in general.

    For me, kissing a stranger as a romantic lead-on is cheating, but drunkenly kissing a mutual friend in a joking way isn't.
     
  5. stephaniko

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    Most of the time (from experiences that I've had) if they tell you, then they weren't trying to cheat and feel sorry about it. It's when they don't tell that you have to worry. But you should tell him how much it is bothering you and find out what is going on.
     
  6. EM68

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    You should just talk to him face to face not over the phone or texting. He is trying to be upfront with you. See what he has to say and go from there. A lot of this comes to whether or not you can forgive or trust him.
     
  7. zzzero

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    "Most gay guys"? Seriously?

    This mentality is the real problem here. You assume most guys will cheat on you, so obviously you're going to take any little thing that happens as he's cheating on you. It's like you're preparing for it before it ever happens.

    You need to change this attitude you have towards guys. You will get nowhere thinking everyone is going to cheat on you. Try to think of people as inherently good and try to trust people, especially your boyfriend. Would you like it if he took everything you said about another guy as a sign that you were cheating?

    I don't like the idea that some guys would look at me as a gay man and assume that I'm a cheater. I think it's despicable and I would never do that to someone. That being said, I don't think it's a big deal if it DOES happen because monogamy is difficult sometimes. It's when it's deliberate and behind your back that it becomes a problem. Or when it happens frequently.
     
  8. Gravity

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    Having started seeing a guy myself - about two months ago here too - there's one thing I would add. Building trust at the beginning of a relationship is hard, and the two of you are still in that process, so I can certainly understand why something like this would bother you. I would think that a couple reactions would be completely appropriate: either ask him not to go out to gay clubs without you for a while, or not to hang out with his friend without you for a while (the fact that she was sending guys over to him all night when you weren't there is rather disrespectful, both of you and, quite frankly, of him). If he wants to establish trust with you, deciding not to do these things temporarily (as in, not forever) shouldn't be a big deal, especially since it would, I imagine, reassure you a lot. I'm not saying lead the conversation with this, definitely talk to him first and see how he feels about what happened - and ultimately, go with your gut - but if these would help you get passed this, it might be worthwhile asking if he was willing to do one, or both, of them.

    Finally, while Taylor is certainly right about your mentality about gay men (unfortunately my bf has a similar outlook and this helped a lot to read, so thanks Taylor :slight_smile:), I respectfully have to disagree with him in this case - the fact is, your bf already kissed someone else and this isn't a hypothetical anymore. What's happening is not your fault, and while it's nice that he's being honest with you, you have every right to react as your feelings deem appropriate. Do try to take Taylor's thought into consideration though - not every gay guy is a cheating machine. I would never do it, my bf would never do it, my ex would never do it...you get the picture. So, be honest about your feelings, but also try to reign in your thoughts - don't turn this into a confirmation of a wider claim and blame him for the supposed fidelity problems of a whole class of people. If you're going to get upset, or feel hurt, then that's fine and understandable - but do it in response to what it is, a single act that he feels bad about and voluntarily confessed to you, and which was facilitated by a rather inconsiderate friend.

    Good luck! (*hug*)
     
  9. TheAMan

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    Lets see. You're in a relationship and he kissed another dude. Of course it's cheating and you have a right to be sad. With that said, go to your bf and give him a chance to explain himself before you make any decisions.
     
  10. JudasKissedHIM

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    Thanks for all the advice everyone... Most of it was really realistic (with the exception of Taylor's rant about how good gays are- we all know gays move around in a culture where casually fucking other people is seen as acceptable and that's where my fear of cheating comes from)....

    Gravity I actually spoke to my BF last night and we talked about the things you mentioned I should raise and everything turned out okay... We're giving it another go and I should add that in a weird way the relationship seems more steady after last night's heart-to-heart
     
  11. Glad to hear its all OK. I personally would be so hurt if I heard that I would call an immediate heart to heart chat about what we both really want and how much we are both willing to sacrifice for eachother...relationships are all about trust, without trust there is no relationship

    If he was man enough to tell you about it and discuss it with you face to face, I'd say thats the first sign that he is in it for the long run. But if it is a reoccurring thing then I would maybe look at it from a more concerned angle...

    Hopefully that will be the last time, we all get drunk and make mistakes sometimes :/

    and about gays sleeping around...well heteros are the same, i dont think orientation has anthing to do with it and it is offensive to be lumped into a stigma that the "gay culture" apparently is so flamboyant and promiscuous...especially as a bi person, ebery guy I date or girl is always worried I'm going to sleep with everyone. I always have to reassure them of my loyalty, over and over again...one dude I was dating even broke up with me just because I was bi...so stupid, he doesn't know what he threw away all because of a misconception he had
     
  12. insidehappy

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    talk it out. he could have been drunk and one thing led to another. let him know what you need boundaries and for you kissing someone is cheating. find out if that means cheating for him too. i'd see if he was sorry and if he can commit to not kissing/hooking up with someone else. i would no longer feel confident about him going to gay clubs alone tho. however, that's just me. see what he has to say and see how you feel.