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Don't Know How to Approach My Friend

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by 1ConfusedGuy, Feb 26, 2012.

  1. 1ConfusedGuy

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    So I have a very interesting situation. For a couple years now I have pretty much told myself that I might be gay. I have always seemed to be more attracted to a guy than a girl, and I would fantasize about stuff like that. Well about a year and a half ago, I was part of a car forum (Yes, gay and love cars. I guess that isn't too common...) and I was meeting up with somebody that lived about 45 minutes away from me to go to the junkyard for some parts and whatnot. Well, after getting to meet him and everything, we became very close friends. I really enjoy being with him and having a fun time. We just recently went to Chicago for the Auto Show and stayed at a fellow forum members house (which we both met a few times before for the Detroit Autoshow (See, cars are a big part here. Haha). Well, fact is I had an amazing time and wish I could do it again. I learned a lot about him on that trip about the music he likes and little stuff like that. Well, it turns out we have a lot in common there to, as it turns out we both like the same thing and we didn't even know it.

    For the past few months I have found myself always getting him gifts and whatnot because it really makes me happy to make him happy. His birthday is mid-March, but early in February I made plans with his brother to go to Ikea to get these pillows that he really wanted, and I was going to save them for his birthday, but, like I usually do, I couldn't wait so I gave them to him later that day once he got suspicious of why I was over at his house when he wasn't there all day since I had to take his brother back home. Well, he was thrilled with them. A few weeks later he posted on Craigslist about a spolier that was for his car in the right color that he wanted really bad. Well, I went and called about it and went to go get it before he had the chance to. Well, they already sold it. I told him it was gone, and I told him I was going to surprise him with it. He said 'Why must you always have to surprise me with something?!"

    Now, I work full time and he goes to school part time and works part time. He's out in my area on Tuesdays and Thursdays for school, so I meet with him for lunch. Well, we had an odd occurrence on Valentines day. We go to Qdoba for lunch because we knew they had a Buy one, get one deal going on. Well, when we got there, it was is you kissed your significant other. At that point I was weirded out a little (again, still in the closet.) and was prepared to pay full price for my meal. Well, we got to the register and the lady kina laughed and my friend said "Do we have to?". She giggled and said yea. My friend paused and said "Can I like, kiss him on his shoulder?" She busted out laughing and said yea. Well now everybody is looking at us. So he kissed my shoulder. It was very akward. After that we really didn't say anything.

    Well, fast forward to this past Thursday. I had a rewards car with a free entree on it. I wasn't feeling up to eating, so I decided I'd give it to my friend. Well, again, we went to Qdoba. He ordered, and I said I wasn't eating. he kinda looked concerned. Well, he went on and ordered, so I jumped ahead of him and gave the cashier (the same one from our last 'display') my card and said to use that one. My friend said "Wait, no! I have a free entree on mine!" I said "Yeah, so do I", and he said "Well, you aren't eating, so...?" and I said it was for him. I told her to put on a large pop for me though. So the total was just for his and my pop, which he paid for. The cashier then asked, "So, are you guys BF's?". AT this point I didn't say anything, but he didn't either. So I picked up my cup w/o making any eye contact and kina said in a low voice, "No, just really good friends..." and walked away to get my pop. Then after that, again, neither of us said anything of it.

    Here's the difficult part: he's gay, and he's out to a few people, where as I am not out to anybody, and I'm still not sure about what I'm thinking. I guess what my issue really is that I don't know if I'm ready to come out to anybody, because I can't seem to accept that I might be gay. I have always felt I wanted to get married, have a nice wife and house, have kids, and the usual. When this happened, I was in a lot of denial, and sometime I still am. But I read a lot about how it's not a choice and I was born that way, etc etc.

    I really want to ask him about our last incident when we got lunch, but I don't know how to approach the situation. I don't want to make it weird and lose him as a friend, because he's one of two best friends, and I'd be devastated to lose him. The fact is, I wouldn't mind dating him, because I really do like him, but I don;t know what to do. Does anybody have any tips for me? I apologize about the novel I just wrote. I just don't have anybody to talk to about this.....
     
    #1 1ConfusedGuy, Feb 26, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2012
  2. TheAMan

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    At this point I don't think sitting him down to talk about it will ruin your friendship. Just one day when it's the two of you in conversation, grit your teeth and say look there's something I need to get off my chest that we need to talk about. I'm sure he wouldn't mind talking about it.
     
  3. Doomgirl96

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    What I did was for the first time i came out to someone as knowing im not strait...i described the girl i liked and mad them guess who it was...the trick is to keep saying " IT COULD BE ANYONE!"
     
  4. 1ConfusedGuy

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    Thanks for the suggestions. As far as telling him it could be 'anyone', I think he'd know it's him as soon as I say that. He's a lot smarter than I make him out to be, haha.

    I've been told I don't have a good sense of reading people. My friend is a little effeminate, where as I am not, but I thought he just acted like that. I never pieced it together, because we once were going to the junkyard (we go a lot) and we got on the topic of relationships, and when I asked if he ever had a girlfriend, he said no, and how he isn't much into relationships (which was my thought at the same time), and I never thought he was gay. Never thought that, but my mom did, and so did my other best friend. I told them to stop being stereotypical. Well, sure enough, I came across his profile on a dating site when I was looking for his youtube account by searching his username on Google, and thats when I found out he was gay. I kinda felt like an idiot for not knowing.

    When I told him I found out, he was just like, "Oh. Yeah." and I told him it was fine. I really wanted to tell him I was somewhat feeling the same way, but I chickened out. I asked if he ever had a relationship (even though he said he didn't, I figured maybe he did and just didn't want to weird me out or anything) and he still said no, and that was the end of that.
     
  5. TyRawr

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    Change always happens at the edge of the envelope.
    That change must occur when the discomfort of how things are is greater then the fear of change.

    That said,
    It sounds like you are at the break of something. :slight_smile:

    The person you need to come out to right now is yourself. You are stuck in this rut of loosing your straight identity, and have the miss-perception that you will not have the unconditional love that many people share. The fact of the matter is, just because you are gay does not mean you can not like cars, or get married, or have children, and so on and so forth.

    The most important person you need to worry about right now is yourself. However, it also may be a good idea to express how you are feeling to this person.
    It will not damage your friendship, in fact it will probably make your relationship stronger with him.

    Also consider that you dont have to figure all this out at once. Sexuality is a spectrum, nobody falls under the same category. It is when we accept and love ourselves that this spectrum becomes more clear. You would be surprised how many gay and straight, bi, trans people alike subscribe to a label who know very little about themselves.

    Lastly,
    Approach everything in life with love. Dont take yourself to seriously, and remember to be human. When things are said and done in a loving way you will get much more in life.

    I hope this may have helped a little, further more, if you truly feel like you have nobody to talk to, feel free to message me on my wall and we can discuss things with a little more focus.
     
  6. 1ConfusedGuy

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    Thank you for the advice. I'm beginning to come to terms with myself and accepting this as what I am. I don't plan to come out to anybody at the moment, besides possibly my frien here.

    Does anybody have any advice on how to start a conversation about this? I always picture things in my mind as going really well, and me just having the courage to say it, but I always end up being a wuss and not talking about it. :dry:
     
  7. Moondustlady

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    Sometimes we chicken out because we wait for the right interjection point and feel as if it has been missed and then lose courage. There is no 'right' time particularly. You'll probably feel better once you do talk about it.
     
  8. livinlikeadream

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    Wow! Don't lose him.
    These beautiful things never happen to me, So Stories like yours, make me so happy and excited. I start to imagine my self with someone I like so much.
    again, Don't delay, don't let this go away, don't lose him..
    Also, If possible, keep me posted. It'll help me keep going...
     
  9. 1ConfusedGuy

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    Thanks :slight_smile: I really do have feelings for him. I'm just very scared with how it'll turn out. He's been on my mind for the past week.

    This just seems so weird for me, but it is what I really want. :slight_smile:
     
  10. 1ConfusedGuy

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    I really don't know what to do. I have every intention of talking to him about it, but I keep contemplating. I really don't want to make things weird if he doesn't feel the same, but I also don't want to keep this bottled up inside me forever without telling him. I'll see him tomorrow for lunch, and then again for dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings for some wings with another one of my friends (it's an every Tuesday thing for us) and then on Thursday for lunch again. He's leaving Friday out of state till the following Thursday, so I'm not sure if I should do it before or after. If I don't do it before, I'd have to wait a whole another week. :icon_sad:

    :bang: Any advice? I'm just worried about damaging the friendship. I wish I had a way to find out what he thought of me before I said anything, but, I don't really know of any.

    I always try to see if going so well, but, it always never works out that way. :dry:

    Also, if I do do it, would it be better to do it when we're sitting alone? What I mean by that is, the drive from my house to meet my other friend for dinner is 30 minutes in the car, but Im not sure if I should do it then. Only reason I coud see not is if it gets weird, then I'd be forced to drive him back to my house to get his car so he can go home in that weird state. In addition, I would immagine our weekly get-together would be very quiet.

    I'm so lost. :icon_sad:
     
  11. 1ConfusedGuy

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    Just wanted to update. I didn't end up talking to him yesterday, and I thought about it a little more today. For his benefit, I'm not going to bring it up until he's back from his trip. This way it doesn't ruin his trip if it a) goes wrong, or b) is on his mind for the whole trip.

    I don't know if I should even do it. :icon_sad: I don't want to risk the friendship, especially because I don't know how he feel about me back, nor do I know of a way to find out without asking, which, well, would be weird to just ask out of the blue like that.
     
  12. Stew Bum

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    TyRawr, Well put
     
  13. Seraph

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    Ok so I've been reading the whole story of yours, and the only thing you're concerning about the most is afraid of "damaging your friendship", if you're sure that he is gay (and so are you), then there is no risky at all, gay people want to find anyone like them to support each other, in your situation it is the best opportunity to come out to him, I suggest you to just find a private place, take a breath, then say "There is something I wanted to tell you... I'm not straight ( hold on to the 'I like you' )" or " I want to make something straight, I'm not..." etc. Just focus on what you're gonna say and stay calm, I know how it feels like when you try to come out on the first time and don't blame yourself for chickened out (well mine was kinda drowsy that I was almost passed out, idk why haha).

    So he's on the trip right now, if you feel like you can't wait until next Thursday, just txt or email him, I bet he will go crazy lol. Like I said, DON'T go "I think I'm in love with ya" since you aren't sure about his feeling.

    Keep us posted, I'll stick along :grin: !!
     
  14. 1ConfusedGuy

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    That was very well written, thank you so much.

    He leaves for his trip on Friday. I'll see him for lunch for a half an hour on Thursday. I could say something then, but, it wouldn't be very private. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  15. Seraph

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    Lunch/dinner at home will be perfect, unless you can't cook...
    Or bring some notes with you and write it down to show him, that works just fine,
    texting would be a little weird if you guys are gonna sit next to each other ...
    Whatever you'll do, just do it okay =)
     
  16. 1ConfusedGuy

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    Well, lunch would be at a public restaurant, Qdoba to be exact, if that matters. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: The same place our two 'moments' occurred as I posted in my first post.

    I leave work at 1 and meet with him for lunch at either Panera or Qdoba. He has class in the morning till 12:30, and his next isn't 'till 3, so thats why we have lunch together every Tuesday and Thursday.

    Does being in public make a difference? I'm sorry for asking so many questions, I just don't want to mess this up. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  17. Seraph

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    Well its up to you, if you don't feel weird to do this at tht restaurant then you're good to go :slight_smile: do it on a note/txt him/ whisper to him lol and you can say it out loud too if you don't mind lol, it doesn't make any difference, the point is to let him know about you :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:. It will be funny if you guys will meet that cashier again :wink:

    Oh and if everything turns out good, I dare you to ask him out (jk don't do it if you don't feel like it), but a nice way to start asking him out is to ask about his current status first (dating/single). Good luck with all those :grin:.
     
  18. 1ConfusedGuy

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    Thanks. I'll think about it tonight. It always looks so easy in your head, but not so much when the time comes to actually do it. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    I know he's single, and he's looking, since he has an active profile on a dating site and talks about how he's never been in a relationship, but he's looking for his first.

    Any time we hang out, he makes me laugh and I have such a great time, and it looks like he does too, but I just don't know how he feels back.

    Heck, maybe he'll talk about something after I come out to him. :wink: That'd be nice. :slight_smile:
     
  19. Seraph

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    Yeah you're right, but its worth a try :slight_smile:
    That's good for you then, I have so many things to tell you after the coming out.
    Talk about something... sure... :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    And yep, have no idea about others feeling is a pain, go for it tomorrow alright :slight_smile:. Good luck !

    Oh and btw, feel free to post message on my wall.
     
  20. 1ConfusedGuy

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    Thanks. :slight_smile: I'll post what happens.