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How do I step forward?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by TriCube, Feb 26, 2012.

  1. TriCube

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    I've been doing a TON of thinking lately... more than I'd like to because it's starting to freak me out and get in the way of daily life. I think about this almost every hour of every day.

    I'm in the process of accepting myself for who I am. And on certain days I get this intense feeling of happiness that I finally can be who I need to be. It's like I know who I am, and what I want. At these times I feel like my questions are answered and I can finally live life.

    But that feeling doesn't last long.

    I soon freak out and relapse. I ask myself "Is this really right? Do I really feel this way? Am I just desperate to end my loneliness? I just haven't found the right girl yet." I end up getting pissed at myself for being so accepting. I quit thinking logically and tell myself I'm really straight. That I can just still switch off my feelings and instantly be attracted to women. This cycles to depression, and I don't feel like doing anything afterwards - just sitting there, being alone, because I deserve it. I completely take any progress I've made and simply throw it away.

    The thing is, these relapse periods are starting to space themselves farther apart from when I'm in an accepting mood, and don't last as long as they used to. But they are still happening, and within the past few weeks they have been happening more frequently.

    So my question is: What is my next move? I don't know what to do. I know only one person in my life who is gay, one of my close friends. But she never officially came out to me or my friends. I met her girlfriend once by accident, but never asked my friend about her. We have since lost touch and now when we talk it's usually just a short and awkward conversation - and she never brings up her girlfriend.

    I am considering joining some LGBT group, but I can't. I want to meet more people, but I just can't bring myself to do it. What if someone finds out I'm part of that? I don't want to be labeled as fem or girly, just because of the way I feel. I'm a guy - I'm not into shopping or jewelry. And I don't really want to be associated with those kind of organizations or people. It might sound weird and I'm really sorry if I offend anyone, but I sort of am intimidated by them. Maybe it's because I haven't given them a fair chance, or really haven't met any one who is actually gay.

    Which raises my next question of how do I go about meeting people? I have admitted to myself I need help and can't do this on my own anymore. Although tomorrow who knows, maybe I'll have relapsed and think I can? I don't understand how I can feel so 'ready to go' and yet so 'no way, not ever'.
     
  2. Frustrated

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    Hi, Tricube! I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time accepting yourself and I can really empathize with your situation as I am experiencing the same thing. I accepted my attraction to women three years ago but am still only able to say with 100% certainty that I am not straight. Really, I know that I am gay but am still bargaining with myself, I think. For me, I think the problem with fully accepting myself is the fear of being lonely, with no friends or someone to share intimacy. I also want to make gay friends but am not in a position to do so (I am married and still in the closet pretty much). It is really frustrating.

    When I have more time this summer I am thinking about joining the coming out group at my counselor's office. There I can connect with other gay people in a safe environment without the fear of anyone finding out. Perhaps you should find some group like this...somewhere where others will respect your privacy but you can still explore your sexuality. I would check into a professional organization (counselor, PFLAG, LGBT center).

    Also, I am only close to one gay person, my piano teacher, and was really nervous about coming out to him because being gay is something he never mentions. I told him and while I am trying not dump too much of my problems on him, I have found someone who not only supports me but really understand how difficult coming out is. I think you should just say, "Fuck it!" and reach out to this girl. One of my biggest problems with all of this is how isolated I feel...it really makes me feel like I'm losing my mind. Sometimes I think that on the way home from work I'm gonna stop at the gay bar that I see everyday and run in and yell, "I'm gay, goddamn it, and I can't take it anymore!"

    I want to self accept so bad and end all this bullshit...it is so depressing. I want to self accept, be honest with my husband and at least tell him that I can no longer be his wife, move out on my own and find myself a wonderful girl to spend my time with. I think you and I both will get there but it is going to take a lot more time. We are just going to have to be patient, my friend!
     
  3. TheAMan

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    When I read this I had to make sure I didn't write because it sounded just like something I would write right now.

    Well when I accepted myself being bi it came after one of my friends told me he was bi and we fooled around. I liked it so much, I decided to accept that being bi is who I am. However, I'm still in the closet and don't plan on coming out anytime soon. Ok I have told like 6 friends but that's it for now.

    What I'm saying is that you can accept liking boys and stay in the closet as long as you want to. If you feel pressured to come out, don't. Come out when you think it is time.
     
  4. TheDifferent13

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    Hey there, I have to say that you are in pretty much the same situation I was after I joined EC. I never knew anyone who is gay, so I didn't even have a chance to be able to talk to someone who would go through the same situation as me. And just joining EC really helped me get some pressure off, as I'm able to talk about everything here without being affraid of what people might think of me.

    By now I think I really made some progress, as I'm starting to accept that having feelings for same sex is ok and its all thanks to the wonderfull people I was able to talk to here.

    My suggestion for you is to look for contact info of any LGBT center that you might be willing to consider going to, and just start with emailing or calling them and see how that goes. That is basically what I did and now I actually got myself to set a meeting with the counselor at a nearby LGBT center for the next week, just to have a talk with someone in person.

    I would say you can consider doing something similair, as I think it's a start that can really help with building up confidence in trying to meet other people there. And if you ever wanna talk about anything related or unrelated to this, feel free to stop by my wall :slight_smile:
     
  5. zzzero

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    So, what do you think would happen if people did find out that you were gay?

    Also, you're not alone, i'v been through what you're going through now. It's a part of the process of accepting your sexuality. Here's how I got through it:

    I told myself every time I started feeling bad for being gay and accepting that part of my life, "I enjoy liking guys." Life isn't about what other people like, it's about what YOU like. If you masturbate to men behind closed doors and really enjoy doing so, why shouldn't you feel that good about who you are all the time?

    You deserve to have a normal social life, and that gets a LOT easier when you no longer have to hide who you are. Coming out will not do anything to the life you live now but make it better. When I came out, I worried a lot about how my life would change when I finally took those steps, only to find out that my life didn't change at all. Everyone treats me the same way, most people just ignore it.

    Also, think of the awesomeness of doing something that everyone else is calling people gay for doing, and feeling that it's okay for you to do it but not for everyone else.

    Every day I grow more and more confident that it's actually easier to be gay than it is to be straight.
     
  6. TriCube

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    Thanks all for reading and replying. It sort of helps just knowing other people have felt this way and gotten through it. But I don't really know how to get through it...

    Yeah I thought about telling her, but I don't know how she views our friendship anymore. I think that once I tell someone I will be less likely to fall back into the denial. The thing is I've been patient for the past 10 years, hoping something will change. I don't really know how much I have left, and that's kind of a scary thought.

    I'm seriously considering going to counseling or some sort of therapy. I'm sick of feeling like this all the time. Just the conflicting thoughts is enough to literally drive me insane. It's keeping me from focusing on important things and makes me irritable. The LGBT group sounds like a good idea, too. I just need to get over the fear of going and just go sometime.

    I need to gain confidence in myself, which I'm seriously lacking right now. I'm tired of having to try and convince myself to be straight. I'm tired of having all of these feelings. I'm anxious to know if coming out really will make my life better.

    I just want the whole 'feeling switching' of acceptance one day, denial the other, to just go away so I can focus on what I really want.