Meeting people and HIV

This guy did the right thing. He's not gonna shut down his whole social life due to an STD, but he's realistic enough to tell you that he's positive before having sex with you. It's clear it was heading in that direction, so he's right for telling you when he did.

You shouldn't worry about getting HIV through normal contact because it just doesn't transfer that way. If he were bleeding, I wouldn't go lick his blood or touch his wound to a wound of your own, but who would do that anyways?

You should be cautious, but don't get scared. He told you so that you could take the proper precautions. Don't get angry at your friend as your friend might not even know. That's a pretty personal thing to tell someone.

 

I've little experience, but, in my opinion, a HIV+ person owes it to anybody before even making out. That's not warts we're talking about. Sorry, but, I'd have given him more to worry about that evening than being positive - my two cents. I'm not bashing HIV+ folks and my heart goes out to you - I've little experience and I'm barely out of the closet. I don't play for many reasons, that's one of them. Thank something he told you before going further. Don't mean to hate. I'm opinionated, I guess - that's just how I see it. Sorry, that's how I feel.

 

Right, but imagine you have sex with a guy and something happens and he didn't tell you and you become HIV positive. Do you deserve your whole life to be ruined?

The fact is that if he went disclosing this to everyone before ever getting to know them, he would be hardpressed to find a guy to stick around.

Also, I'm curious, what are your two cents? It sounds like you'd have an issue with someone for a virus they got. He can't infect you by making out with you, so it's not a point where you need to disclose, if it comes to having sex, then you disclose.

This guy did the right thing. At least he didn't get you naked in bed with him before he told you. At least he DID disclose, some guys wouldn't and THAT is wrong.

 

The guy did do the right thing, I agree. He'd do the rightous thing if he'd have said first thing before even making out.

I understand that you can't get HIV from making out (technically); but, again, that's a huge game changer. Sorry if I offended you, I'd just be rather violent if he didn't disclose that up front. I'm terribly sorry he got 'a virus', terribly - it's still deadly, it's still for life, and I think that a person should be as up-front as possible. If that means he gets nobody, so be it.

I'm an ass, sorry.

 

You are being an ass. Imagine if you got infected by someone who didn't disclose and then you got HIV. Terrible, but your life isn't over. You know that you CAN still make out with guys just as easily as you could before.

This guy did all that's really required of him. I'm not saying don't be cautious, I'm saying don't doom them to a miserable life alone, they are still people and still deserve love. Once they don't disclose and infect others, I might consider feeling the way you do about them.

 

A person who has a life endangering desease should demonstrate the utmost caution, care, and disclosure before ever endangering another human being. We probably will never agree. I'm sorry, and I hope you won't be offended by me calling you friend. I've refused to be careless over far less, but that's what I do for a living. Again, I agree with you, a person can make out....but, give me the option of saying no prior to hearing that news. If I'd have had sex and then found out, I'd be on trial - I'm not trying to sound like 'barney badass' but I'd have personally seen to it that it couldn't happen to another person. Love to you and yours. Be safe and be rightous.

 

Honestly, he should have told you before making out with you. But then again, you shouldn't have assumed he was negative before making out with him. The general rule is to assume everybody you get intimate with is positive (even when they say they're not), and take whatever steps you deem necessary.

How do I get over it? I dunno. I've never had much issue with it. I have friends with HIV, and we hug and (dry) kiss. If I were dating a guy whose status I didn't know, I think I'd be fine with making out with. Anything beyond that I'd probably take precautions. That's just where my lines are.

Lex

 

You're awesome, Lex

 

yes i have a paranoia fear about it but i also know that you cant get hiv through kissing (possibly in some weird 1 in a million case) but mostly unless the person has a mouth full of blood and you have open wounds in your mouth or fresh dental work, its just not gonna happen. i would be pissed the person didn't say anything prior to teh kissing but i mean, he did say something prior to the sex so that's a good thing. here's the facts, you may or may not run into someone with hiv, and mostly you are not gonna know it. the best thing you can do is assume all have hiv and protect yourself accordingly.

 

This, all over again. I don't know that I would assume by default that everyone is positive, but I can't argue with the sentiment.

Transmission through kissing is very rare...but it could happen if, say, someone had a cut in their mouth from a chip or something. This is playing it very safe, but then again, wouldn't you want to?

I don't personally see protecting yourself against risky sex as being paranoid or offensive. There is such a thing as being careful and respecting your own body and health, after all.

If you're worried, then take all the hypotheticals out of the situation and go get tested. The doctors and nurses there will tell you what you need to do or watch out for in the future, and you can be confident and safe all at the same time.

EDIT: after reading over some of this a bit more, I just want to say I can also understand the perspective of the positive person, and the extreme loneliness of being constantly treated like a pariah. That said, feelings aside, it is still a disease, and I have to say that I believe the other person or people deserve that information as soon as possible. I suppose, to translate this into practical terms - if I were the guy in Michael's story (from Chip's post above), I would have stopped the kissing and such that instant, but I never would have lowered myself to labeling someone as having "butt flu" (how insensitive, and what a ridiculous name on top of it!), and I wouldn't have run out the door right away. At that point, what's done is done, but there's still a human being in front of you, who could probably use a hug.

Glad to see this post here.

 

>>>I don't know that I would assume by default that everyone is positive, but I can't argue with the sentiment.

The only way to protect yourself from HIV is to assume everybody you get intimate with has it. I'm willing to bet that the majority of people who are HIV+ got that way by not following that route. They decided that "this guy looks clean", or "he said he's clean, and I'm sure he wouldn't lie to me", or "I got caught up in the heat of passion, and figured, well, maybe just this once..." That doesn't mean you treat all potential partners like pariah because "they might have AIDS". You just play smart and safe. And any gay guy worth the name would be totally fine with that.

Lex

 

After having a (though overreacted) HIV scare myself, I have become utterly strict on the topic. I don't fool around with someone I don't really know, and if I do in the heat of the moment I make sure it's safe. Fact of the matter is, you could meet someone, hit it off with them, get in a relationship with them and all of that afterwards and they could have HIV. So, as stated in this thread, you need to act like every potential lover you meet is positive.

 

A lot of people with HIV are 1. careless liars who failed to care about their health before it was too late or 2. the victim of careless liars. (Objective fact, not an emotionally charged statement.)

Do yourselves a favor and have your partner tested before you even make out...no activities' risk is low enough. I still feel dirty for having made out with one guy without having him tested first.

If they want you to be "more intimate" without condoms, tell 'em to hit the road. People cheat...a lot. For the record, I have yet to meet a single man or woman who's met my standards for absolute, guaranteed safety from this shockingly common life-ruining catastrophe.

 

Though I do understand the need to exercise caution, I would say that it's very unreasonable to have every guy you make out with tested before you make out with them. I guarantee you that you won't be making out with too many people if there's a trial before you do so. Making out is fairly harmless. If they had a cut in their mouth and started bleeding into your mouth, there might be problems, but that's a pretty rare thing to happen (at least it has never happened to me?)

That degree of extreme caution greatly reduces the possible non-infected guys out there who just don't want to spend all their time getting tested to make out with someone that they might not even click with.

I'm sorry, but I love making out, I'm not going to go require every guy I make out with to be tested first. That takes any kind of spontaneity out of it, which is half of the fun. There is a way to be cautious and lead a normal, safe, happy life with spontaneous moments. I won't have sex with someone without a condom if they aren't tested, but I know how to use a condom, and that's why we have them. Also, not to mention that there's a lot of sexual acts that really just don't require a test. You can jerk off a guy with HIV just like you can jerk off a guy without HIV. I don't know about you guys, but it's not all about anal sex from my viewpoint....

 

Sometimes people get on me for being too brutal but im sorry but i dont believe this guy did the right thing. I personally am a real life germaphobe, so yes i usually have that "expect people to have something" mentality. Not even really sexually related either it could be a common cold lol. But on a serious note, I really do feel for people who are struct with a life-long disease because everyone makes stupid decisions every now and then. We all have been drooling soo much over someone attractive that we dont think that they have any flaw, let alone one we cant spot with our eyes.

However, sometime during the conversation he should of brought it up. I can imagine it must be horrifing to tell someone, especially if you like them, but it the most responsible and moral thing to do. He would of had a better chance of convincing you to still give him a chance if he was upfront in the beginning. Talking to you about his struggles could of opened you up to him a bit more..but now he will never know.


And to all the people saying you cant technically get HIV from making out. That is incorrect. Contracting HIV from anything but penetration is MUCH smaller. But as with any contagious sickness it is ultimately purely luck based. Theyre have been cases of people contracting HIV from kissing.(Usually a result of any small cut in the infected mouth.). While some have gone all the way with minial protection and turned out fine. Again not to say "OMG DONT TOUCH THEM" but never act like just because the chances are low its impossible.