Confusion, Finding yourself - An overdue update

1. It's not unusual. Nothing is unusual about dreaming of either gender. It is unusual that it feels like a chore to explore your sexuality with men. I enjoy watching gay porn and I hate watching straight porn. Porn shouldn't be a difficult thing to watch.

2. It sounds like you're a very confused guy. You clearly have some interest in men, but it's also clear that you do, in fact, enjoy women as well.

3. I am not suffering from OCD as far as I know, however I do have a great deal of anxiety and I do tend to obsess like you do. I am gay.

4. You don't have to go to a gay bar. I'v never been to a gay bar, and I am gay. There is no guide to coming out or figuring out who you are. The best steps you can take is to follow your feelings. If you feel like you need to kiss a guy, maybe try getting on a dating website, be very honest about your situation, and go on a date with a guy. If it works out, you can kiss him and then you'll know if it's right for you. I have a feeling though it's going to take more than a kiss to get you the information you're looking for.

You are okay. Who cares if you are gay or straight at this point really? Just follow your feelings and you will end up in the situation you want to be in. Stop thinking of being gay as anything more than a preference. You may have OCD and obsess about things and I know how that can pull you out of reality, but you are likely thinking about it too much. Try to quiet your mind and just do what feels right to you right now. If that means watching gay porn, do it.

What makes you think you might be gay now?

What made you think you might be gay when you were younger?

Do you/ did you ever jerk off to gay porn or men?

Do you ever think of men in a sexual way? If so, do you think of men or women more?

Do you find yourself attracted to just gay men, or just any men?

Just remember, there's nothing wrong with you. You didn't explode your life just to find out you didn't need to, because you DID need to. That's what's getting these answers for you now, and it's important to who you are.

Also, do you tend to worry a lot? (I do, and I'm just wondering if I, too, have OCD, I tend to obsess and worry a lot)

 

Well, I don't know how much I can help you with this but like Taylor said, you seem to be very confused. It seems to me that the big issue here is that you're rationalizing your emotions and making this sort of mental block between yourself and the idea of being gay. For example, when you say that you jerk off and zone out or when you say that thinking about gay porn seems like a chore.. could it be that you zoning out is your defense mechanism? You've thought you've been gay this whole time but at least right now, it still isn't a reality, so to speak. However, if you were to allow yourself to watch gay porn and just simply sit down and focus on it, there is that chance that you will enjoy it a lot and then there's no denying anymore that you're gay. As you said, then you've officially opened pandora's box all the way. Right now, that box is only partially opened, but if you sit down and let yourself think about men without reservations and enjoy it, then there really is no going back.

Of course, this is only a thought. I could be completely off base here. I'm only making an observation. Good luck

 

I wouldn't normally say this because I want people on the gay team, but I really don't think you are that gay. Maybe there is a little attraction there, but it seems like you are questioning a lot of things from an outside perspective, which is what I always do. You view it as what it means and not how you feel about it.

The reason you probably felt something towards guys when you were younger is because you were looking for it. That sounds a lot like the way I was towards girls as a child because it's what I thought I was supposed to do.

I would say you're fairly straight with just a little minute attraction to men. If you haven't been jerking off to men naturally and mainly focus on women, and don't feel good doing it to men, then you probably shouldn't be dating them anyways.

You sound a lot like me in the way that you think, which is really interesting. I analyze things all the time, and sometimes in the terms that a therapist might analyze you. So you think, well what if this is all just a product of the way my parents treated me? and thoughts like that. Like you're looking back to find out where you screwed up kindof.

My suggestion is to stop looking back at what has happened and start thinking about the way you FEEL right now. What happened happened and there's nothing that can change those things. In reality, the only thing that matters is how you feel right now. If you only feel an attraction to women, that's fine, you only like women right now. If that changes in the future, that's okay too. Don't question something you enjoy.

 

My impression is that you aren't gay. If you don't want to fantasize about guys and you don't want to be emotionally intimate with a guy than you definitely aren't gay.

BTW, how did me saying I didn't think you're gay feel? If it made you feel angry than you really might be gay and in denial. If it made you feel a strange mingling of joy and fear and relief than you probably aren't gay. That's how I've figured my sexuality out (sort of, haven't quite gotten it yet), because when I told myself I wasn't gay I got mad and when I said I was I got afraid and relieved.

 

What I'm saying is that you think you are in such deep denial about this and that's why you aren't feeling normal, when you ARE feeling normal, you're just confused because you believe you are in denial when you actually are not. You have to take your feelings and emotions at base-level. You look deep into your feelings both physical and mental and sometimes that leads us to make conclusions about things incorrectly.

If there's one thing I'v learned from my own personal experiences with thinking too deeply, it's that in reality, the things that you feel are okay. They are your feelings and you are not wrong for having them. You are not in denial about yourself, but you seem to be in denial of the fact that you are a straight man. So, it's kindof like a double denial. You won't admit to yourself that you are a straight man becuase you have had feelings for guys. Just so you're aware, a lot of the time, even the straightest of men have fantasies about other men. It's something that men don't like to share with everyone, but it does happen. It is normal for you to feel this way. If you feel like you do really want to have gay sex, then do it. At least afterwards you will know how you feel about it (however, be careful about the way you interpret your feelings. If you don't like it, just accept that you don't like it, do not read into it that you didn't like it because you are in such extreme denial.)

You will not be able to have anyone here tell you if you are or are not in denial, however from the information you've given, you would be one very unlikely gay man. I honestly believe you have worried yourself into a rut here. It is hard to figure out things about yourself when you allow the possibility of being in extreme denial (especially on topics where only YOU can know the answer).

Also,
If you figure out that you are not gay, You do NOT have bigger problems to sort out! The problem has been sorted. You thought you were one thing and now you know. What you are going through now is neither a good nor bad experience, simply one you are going through. You need to do this to learn about yourself and it's great that your'e taking initiative to do so. And it's even better that you took the proper precautions to make sure no one else got hurt in the process.

Good Luck! Just remember it's okay to be YOU!

 

I think that this is very, very valid advice. Nice work Taylor!

Almost Buddhist in concept. Or Garthian, you know "live in the now man" from Wayne's World? I think I can use the phrase "i just dated myself" for the first time in my life. Trailing off..............

 

It sounds like you were just a little confused about your feelings, and you went back and re-evaluated a lot of events in your life. The problem with the human memory is that events that happened in the past did not happen exactly as we remember them, especially when we're looking for something in them.

Part of what makes therapy great is that it lets someone else take a non-biased look at your memories and helps you figure out what you really think. They kindof take the jumble of words and ideas you have about yourself and articulate them for you in a way you can understand. Looking into your own past is hard because you know all the thoughts and feelings you have, but when you articulate it to others, they can see the hierarchy of your thoughts and help you organize them.

 

I feel like I can vaguely relate to these problems. I know myself to be gay, I am not bi, yet often I prefer to watch straight porn than gay porn. It's not because I'm straight, I personally believe it might be because it seems much easier than gay intercourse and before I recently accepted myself as gay, I only watched straight porn, so I may have grown fond of it. When I do watch straight porn, I often find myself checking how attractive the man is rather than the woman, do you also do this? I don't know, sorry if this doesn't help!

I also have an anxiety disorder, not OCD but it used to cause me to have panic attacks in public. I believe it was directly related to me being in denial about my sexuality. I seem to be less anxious at times when I am comfortable with my sexuality, but my worries resurface when I think about coming out and the future. I think really, I'm just scared of change. Maybe you are too? I don't know, I don't want to make assumptions, I'm not anyone qualified!

I hope this information helps you. Well done for coming out at such a difficult stage (in a long term relationship), it was very brave, and ultimately you will be more happy, and so will your ex-partner in the future.

All the best

 

It seems you are still here (As am I... although I no longer worry about being gay (Which is pretty cool!) but worry about being transgendered and other things) and that you are still stuck in a loop. Have you ever considered that part of your thought process is in fact part scrupulosity? Maybe I am wrong, but it feels like the concept of denial (as it is to me) allows you a powerful method of circular reasoning. The fact that you are unsure of something allows you to go in circles over and over never being able to reach a response. Any conclusion can quickly be concluded to be a conclusion that is just denial and begins the cycle of questioning again.

1. Is it unusual that i still dream about women, and it seems like a chore for me to explore my sexuality with men? shouldn't i want to watch gay porn and not feel like ok, you should probably click over and watch that now?

No, I dream about lots of things and they aren't particularly indicative of anything. The second part sounds like it could be a compulsion. I've felt that way before and hey, I don't feel that way at all anymore.

2. Does my long rant just sound like someone who is deeply in denial who just needs to keep at what they're doing and allow this all to unfold?

Denial is an interesting concept that I feel you and the rest of society puts too much weight on in general. Denial, to me, would seem like the person is attempting to rationalize away his attractions to the same sex by labelling it as "kink" or by saying "It's just a phase". That seems like denial to me... consciously ignoring the facts. You seem very fixated on this concept almost to the point of obsession.

3. are any of you both gay and suffering from OCD or another similar anxiety problem? if so, i'd love your guidance.

I'm not gay but I do have ocd. There's two issues here... your sexuality and your ocd. It just so happens that ocd has a remarkable ability to interfere with any other issues present in your life. Saying that you believe that you not only do you have ocd but are gay is compulsive to a certain degree. You are making a bid at certainty and you are opening your mind up to the possibility of you being wrong. Ocd is a disorder of uncertainty.

4. what more steps can i take to figure this all out? i'm still too scared to go to a gay bar or go on a date. i've taken lots of less public step - gym/restaurant bars in gay areas of town, watching movies/porn. i feel like part of me just needs to kiss a guy or something to see if i feel something?

I don't want to sound forward. You could be gay but this just sounds compulsive. Let me emphasize components of your last sentence that seem compulsive to me

"i feel like part of me just needs to kiss a guy or something to see if i feel something?"

There's a lot of ifs and feels in there. That could be confusion but it can also be indicative of analysis. Analysis is a compulsion. I know I've said this before but will kissing a guy give you the certainty you desire? It could...but what if it doesn't? Clearly that guy was the wrong guy then? If you don't like it... will that finally be the red herring you desire?

The feelings that came later confirmed it. The extreme denial made the feelings go away or latch on to other things. I built a little narrative that made sense: once I embraced my sexuality, all would be well.

Ah but see that is a compulsion in and of itself. You want the truth so much that you have created a case for homosexuality. IF you are homosexual THEN you will have all your problems go away. Due to this case you have created you try to accept being gay but feel nothing in the process. When you feel nothing you feel more confused and then label this confusion as denial and that you must need to try harder.

I've felt the same way before... being homosexual was an escape from the torment I put myself through... it was a way to finally stop thinking about things. Once I stopped worrying about being gay, I seldom thought about being straight either. I just went about my life... I looked at women and thought what have you and was happy with whatever I felt.

I know I can't tell you that what your sexual orientation is but what I feel (as you know) is that this is not a sexual identity problem but an anxiety issue. The root of this lies in uncertainty.

 

Wow, I love when people can articulate things that I think but can't articulate. Great analysis! I even find things about myself you talk about in this response that are kindof eye opening.

 

I'm not sure if this will help, but it might, so I figured I would post it. This is my first time trying to offer support though, so I'm not positive that what I post will make sense. But I'll try.

One step you could take to help figure this out is to take a moment to determine the difference between who you find attractive and who you are attracted to. It is a subtle difference, but potentially very important. For example, I could look at a crowd of women and tell you which ones are drop-dead gorgeous without being the least bit attracted to them. Who you find attractive and who you are attracted to are not one in the same, even though they often overlap.

Also, I would suggest keeping in mind that you don't necessarily have to chose between gay or straight. There is all sorts of space for people in between those two extremes. Or even if you do fall at one end of the spectrum, that doesn't mean you have to swear off the other. For example, I identify as gay, but that doesn't mean I would be opposed to falling for a girl (I just don't ever, ever foresee it happening is all).

I guess overall I would just suggest sitting back, relaxing, and take a few deep breaths. Take comfort in the knowledge that just because you haven't exactly identified who you are yet, it doesn't mean you aren't that person.

 

You know, I really don't have the right to publish anything on this post... I still can't make up my mind weather or not I'm gay... However, I have bipolar disorder and OCD too, so I can understand your confusion.

I am mesmerized by men. The "all american" look as you described seems to be what interests me most. Sexually, I think I prefer men. I spend more time judging weather or not "I am" or "am not" sexually attracted to women.

I have mixed dreams of either sex, and mixed thoughts regarding porn aswell. (someone suggested its my unconscious bargaining with me to retain some hopes of heterosexuality.)

"I've come to admire so many gay people through my struggles to find myself." <Exactly!

To me homosexuality seems the easiest/less scary route too.

I really hope you find yourself... I'm on the same journey!