Hey there, I hope someone can help me... Last year I finally figured out that I'm a lesbian - I always had my thoughts but I never knew for sure until I fell in love with this beautiful girl I worked with. Shortly after we met, we became a couple. I then came out to my family and friends. My family had no problem with my sexuality what so ever. Okay, my younger sister needed a bit more time to adjust but what else was to be expected? My grand mother is the only one who can't or won't accept it but she is very strict and catholic. I don't see her very often so I'm not really worried about her... The thing is my friends.. They saw me with my girlfriend and how happy I was with her (we're not together anymore)... anyway some of my male friends still came on to me - in front of my girlfriend. She didn't say anything because "there was no harm in it". Now a couple of months later I'm single again and I just found out that everybody - yes, everybody - at work thinks I'm just putting on a show and if they played their cards right they could get me... My ex is no help in that department because she says I was a waste of time... There are even a couple of men at work that plot together - one of them gives advice on what to say and how to act around me and the others just come on to me and want to touch me all the time and they say stuff like "oh, you know you want to", "come on, how do you know you don't like it if you've never tried", "why don't you give him a go - he has a huge ****" or "do you want to be a virgin forever?" That just makes me so mad - I am so happy that I finally figured out my sexuality but nobody of my male is taking me seriously. They know that I have never had a boyfriend and that I have no interest in "trying it out" - so why don't they just leave me? They even tell others that I'm not a lesbian - I'm just saying no to them to be awkward.... I really don't know what to do anymore - they just don't listen to what I know is true... It is very hard for me I really wish they would get it...
I think you should sit them down and say" You guys im gay. If I was joking I wouldn't have dated (girls name here)!" If they keep it up then tell your boss or something!
you know i already had "the talk" with them but they really wont listen... and at work the leave me alone - it's when we're out doing stuff because we're all friends...
Even more than what Doomgirl is saying (I agree with her) ask them why they keep pestering you and/or why the think you're not being genuine.
Hi there! The more you pay attention to them, and the more you react, the more difficult they are going to make it for you. Essentially, your reactions and protests feeds their desires to go on your nerves and to keep doing what they are doing. Stop going out with them. Try to ignore them for a while. I am not sure that they are the sort of friends you want to have anyways. What kind of friends do that? Time to try making some new friends, who won't engage in that sort of behaviour!
I do not know where you live but this is a crime in the US. There are several ways that you can approach this. a) Deal with it and it keeps happening, or maybe goes away. b) talk to offenders one-on-one, and ask them to stop. c) make notes of current and past incidents, and make them aware that you are doing this, and intend to talk to HR (or another superior) if they do not stop. Perhaps reminding them that this is illegal for them to do. c) Contact HR person, or other superior, and file sexual harassment complaint. Be sure to bring detailed notes (mentioned above) and have clear intention on what action(s) you want taken (ie. people fired, diversity training, transfer to another dept/location, etc) If you do not feel comfortable talking to them about it, you don't have to. That is what the HR person is there for. I would advise you to look into the LGBT protections in your organization (workplace handbook/manual/website) and in your state/country. If there are protections, then no need for fear. If there are no protections they may be able to fire you based on being LGBT, which would come out when doing this process. For outside of work, I would educate them on how people should generally ask you if it's okay to touch you before going ahead and touching you. You really need to stand your ground and be a bit of the bad guy (or girl) in order to stop this. Standing up for yourself is just as important, or even more so, than being liked and accepted by others. They will probably accept you even more if you stand up and say NO!
>>>at work the leave me alone - it's when we're out doing stuff because we're all friends... What kind of friends keep hitting on each other after it's been made clear they're not interested? That's not friend activity. The one thing I'd suggest is to move away from using the "I'm a lesbian" rationale for not going out with them. Because that gives them something to work beyond. "If I can just show her she's not really a lesbian..." Instead, stick with "I'm not interested in you like that. At all." Because it's harder to argue your way around that one. And tailor your answers to match. "oh, you know you want to" "oh, I'm pretty sure I don't." "come on, how do you know you don't like it if you've never tried" "For the same reason you know you wouldn't like going out with Fred even though you've never tried." "why don't you give him a go - he has a huge ****" "You seem awfully interested in the size of his package. Why don't YOU go out with him?" "do you want to be a virgin forever?" "If the choices are him and staying a virgin...yes, I'm definitely going to stay a virgin." Lex
That is sexual harassment and you have every right to feel safe and respected at work, regardless of sexual or gender identity. Plain and simple, as Cyanyst said they are breaking the law. Rise above their immaturity, it sounds like you're better than that.
Hey I think that Lex has a point, if you make a joke out of it and come back with something witty perhaps it will take some of their fun out of it.
thanks guys! I think I'll try what Lex suggested and if that doesn't work I'll do what cyanyst said... Thanks
I would probably go the eyeroll/smartass comment route for awhile because I could never resist the urge to tease people and they are giving you some *great* openings, and if that didn't take the wind out of their sails, I would do a BIG DAMN WALKOUT and ignore them for a few days to let them know that they were pissing me off and that I was serious.
