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Can't bring myself to tell anyone

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by PenAndInk, Dec 29, 2007.

  1. PenAndInk

    Regular Member

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    This is my first post, so sorry if I'm a little longwinded. I am worried that my own internal frustrations about my sexuality are coming out in how I interact with my family and friends. Hiding the fact that I'm gay is telling me that I don't trust the people close to me with that information, but all I want to do is have someone to talk to about it. I've almost come out to two friends, but just choked up and couldn't think of how to say it at the last second.

    My mood fluctuates a lot with my friends, and I'm incredibly withdrawn at home. I don't like to be touched, and I feel almost bipolar sometimes. Plus my school curriculum overload isn't helping. The only thing I find joy in anymore are my books, but I barely have time for that. I can put on a happy face for people during the day, but when I'm by myself I lapse into this depression. I've even thought about hurting myself a couple times, I know I would never do it, but I can understand how a sense of control could be rendered from it. And at this point all I want is some control over my life, I feel like it's all out of my hands and I have to sit back and take whatever my "puppet-masters" dish out.

    To top it all off I am sort of crushing on one of my friends. She's smart and funny and caring, but I'm about 95% sure she's completely straight. So that fixation is obviously pointless and unhealthy.

    I just want to have someone to really talk with about the way I am. I tend to be a very introverted person, but for some reason this time I just want to scream it from the rooftops. I guess it's because I'm personally OK with being gay, but I just don't want to fuck up my family or my really close friendships if they don't support me.

    If anyone has some advice it would be oh-so-greatly appreciated. Thanks.
     
  2. SkyTears

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    I remember the 1st peron I told I made sure from them that no matter what I was about to say that it wouldn't change anything. Just make sure they won't let you back out and care for you and it should be okay. If all you need is one person, just think of the best person to tell and start working on it.
     
  3. InaRut

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    Also, even if your not ready to come out, EC is here to help. Just keep posting any problems and we'll be here to help. Welcome to EC and congrats on the first post.

    Coming out is a hard process but it will make you feel better. However from my "Coming out" expierence I found that when I came out to my family...although they were "okay with it" their reactions made me to become less comfortable with my sexuality. I strongly suggest you pick your friends over family when coming out. Try telling that one girl...because then you'll know for a fact what she thinks.

    However Skytears didn't give that bad of an idea either.

    Anyways come out when your ready, no pressure and be sure to post (or send PMS) if you ever need any help.
     
  4. biisme

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    i agree with what InaRut and SkyTears say.

    mainly i want to say, WELCOME TO EC! (*hug*)
     
  5. Casey17

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    Wow, it seems we're in the same pickle. Every lie I tell, it seems I'm betraying my parents and friends, and more importantly, myself.
     
  6. Zec24

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    So you basically just explained the way I was in High School pretty well. I'm pretty introverted, although now that I'm in college that has changed a bit. I'm still withdrawn at home though.

    I can attest to being able to put on a happy face and feeling bipolar. I felt like that in high school and even feel that way now sometimes.

    High school is such a fun place isn't it? I can tell you that depending on the college you go to, things will look up. You'll be out from under your parent's control, have some freedom, and grow a lot.

    As to wanting to shout it from the rooftops, I'm the same way which is funny because normally I'm fairly private. But I'm an honest person, and I feel like if the people around me don't know I'm gay, then they are missing out on knowing the true me.

    Anyways, if you ever have any questions or just want to talk, you can PM me on here. I'll usually respond quickly. If I can help more, let me know, I've been where you are.
     
  7. Katness

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    You described how I felt too. I felt like I was extremely bipolar. I guess it is not surprising considering I'm on the autism spectrum though.

    But anyway. Since coming out myself. Things have only gotten better.
     
  8. ccdd

    ccdd Guest

    I feel that I've been in, and am in part still in, a similar place to you right now. One thing I would say is do not self-harm, as the feeling of control it gives is only an illusion. I would also say that it is very important that if you do come out to someone, you come out to someone whom you know will be supportive. The way I am trying to do it is start with the easy, and end with the hard. This may mean friends/a friend over parents. Although, of course, I don't think it's "easy" to come out to anyone, or if anyone you know is supportive of gay rights and issues.

    I understand the choking up in the throat - I have yet to actually come out to a person in person, as I cannot say it. I have always done email. But then (and this is something I had to consider beforehand) - it is easier to deny the spoken word than an email, should the person you confide in wish to out you against your will.

    The frustration of feeling all your relationships are affected by you not telling them is really hard, I know. This Christmas, being around all my family, I felt like such a fraud, and I've been thinking "if only you knew". But it's also important to remember that if relationships ARE negatively affected by your coming out, then it is not the fact that you are gay that is causing the problem, but the fact that they can't deal with it. I don't know if you get what I'm trying to say there. But if you can't find anyone to confide in, then confide in these boards or send a PM. I hope you get to feel a bit better.
     
  9. Gustav

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    I have a stupid saying some one told me, but it helped. just "Kick yourself in the ass" and tell people! Do not think of any implications or outcomes when you say it. Knowledge and fear is a bad combination.